- Comments from
Goodraise (
talk ·
contribs)
- General
The date format is inconsistent.
- "[who] possesses a powerful secret art within him" - I find this confusing. How can one possess an art?
- Attempted to fix. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 17:58, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Still confusing. --
Goodraise (
talk) 18:04, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Tried again. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 18:42, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Still not there. --
Goodraise (
talk) 22:11, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- How about now? 22:18, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
- OK, now that I understand it... How is that important enough for the first paragraph? What are the consequences? Does it give him some kind of super powers or what? --
Goodraise (
talk) 22:36, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Is that okay? ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 22:50, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- I'm still not happy with that sentence. How is it relevant that he doesn't know about his powers? Is that condition permanent? Does he find out about it during the story? What is "Nabari"? - The lead should be able to stand on it's own. As it is now, I need to read the summaries to understand the lead. --
Goodraise (
talk) 00:08, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
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- I think kind of got it now. I had to write two sentences. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 01:19, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
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- We're getting closer. Maybe something more along the lines of: "The story's plot follows Miharu Rokujo, a fourteen-year-old student, who becomes king of the hidden ninja world Nabari because the means to control all of creation is written onto his cells as he tries to escape the peril of his new position by searching for a non-leathal way to remove his ability." --
Goodraise (
talk) 01:44, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Ah yes! That's so much better. Your sentence construction skills best mine. Added that. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 23:06, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Hmm, I had not intended that to be a possible end product, but I'll let this go for now. Let's see if another reviewer finds it inadequate. Maybe I'm just overzealous. --
Goodraise (
talk) 00:38, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
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Noting drama CD adaptations is a bit uncommon. Maybe remove the mention?
- I only did that to fit DYK requirements. Removed. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 17:58, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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"Since its premiere" -> "Since the series' permiere"
The article is
overlinked.
- I think I got that. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 17:58, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Miharu Rokujo should be linked in the lead. Additionally linking him in the caption is not a deal breaker. --
Goodraise (
talk) 00:08, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
"14-year-old" - Looks ugly. Change to "fourteen-year-old"?
--
Goodraise (
talk) 20:05, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Added one more comment. --
Goodraise (
talk) 18:04, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Summaries
- "Miharu Rokujo is attacked by Iga's Grey Wolf ninja organization from Nabari" - Who is Iga?
- "a world "underneath" where society is known as the front world" - Why is underneath quoted? What does that mean, "underneath"? And what society is this referring to?
- I quoted it originally because technically you can't be underneath society. Fixed anyways.
- "secret art the Shinra Banshou" - Is this missing a comma after "art"?
- "all of creation" - This wording is already used in the lead. It seems like it's some kind of semi-quote. What does it mean, "all of creation"? Is it everything or maybe less? Maybe I'm over the top again, but if it doesn't come from the manga, it could be considered POV towards
creationism.
- The wording is quoted from the manga. Shinra Banshou actually means 'All Things in Nature'
- "but Thobari stops her flow of power" - This is confusing. How does one stop the flow of "power" from something written onto someone's cells?
- Changed to "but Thobari prevents this".
- "Miharu must learn ninjutsu and become Nabari's ruler" - Why must he do that?
- "the samurai Raimei Shimizu from Fuuma Village" - What is Fuuma Village?
- "Raimei and the Banten ninjas decide to ask Kotarō Fuuma's opinion" - Who are the Banten ninjas and who is Kotarou Fuuma?
- "As they approach the village" - What village?
- "the Grey Wolves attacked Fuuma" - Clarify here that Fuuma Village was attacked, not Kotarō Fuuma.
- I hate the fact they're named the same. Fixed.
- "to search for the village's kinjutsushō, forbidden technique, in Kotarō's absence" - I can only speculate what this means. There's a grammar problem here that keeps me from understanding this sentence.
These are the rough problems with the first summary. TBH, this isn't looking good. I suspect the other summaries aren't better, which means that the whole list needs to be rewritten as not to confuse a reader like me, who doesn't know the manga. And after that, the list will need a copy-edit. (It needs one now as well, but there is not much point to doing it until the prose is accessible.) --
Goodraise (
talk) 04:48, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
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- I actually laughed when I saw the edit summary. I expected this. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 20:19, 24 April 2009 (UTC)
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Comment: the ISBN hyphenation for the seventh and eighth English volumes is incorrect, and should be 978-0-316-*. Yes, I am aware of what the Yen Press site says; no, I do not believe they are correct. Full reasoning
here; the Yotsuba&! page not referenced there is
here.
67.175.50.253 (
talk) 23:09, 18 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Comments from
User:NocturneNoir
Resolved comments from NocturneNoir
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- English language adaptation information of the anime is non-relevant to a chapter list.
- Yen Press will be releasing the first collected volume of the series in May 2009. You should specify "in North America".
- Needs an {{
inc-up}} template.
More later when I actually read the summaries.
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 05:53, 22 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Miharu Rokujo is attacked by the ninja village Iga's Grey Wolf organization from Nabari, a world unknown to most people . Careful, you've got an extra space there at the end.
- She tells Miharu to fulfill his greatest desire, but Thobari prevents this. Wait, is "she" referring to "Shinra Banshou"? If so, how can an art be personified like that? (Yes, it's a Japanese manga, but it still needs clarification.) Additionally, would that desire be
important enough to mention?
- Is "spirit of the Shinra Banshou. She" better? Reworded: "to draw from her powers to fulfill his greatest desire"
- Soon after, the samurai Raimei Shimizu from the ninja village Fuuma is not convinced Miharu will not succumb to the Shinra Banshou's power and vows to kill him if he joins the Grey Wolves. Fix the double negative. And how on earth is a samurai from a ninja village?
- Fixed. "believes Miharu might succumb to the Shinra Banshou's power" added "dislikes ninjutsu and has chosen to become a samurai"
- Raimei, Miharu, Thobari and Aizawa decide to ask the leader of Fuuma Village, Kotarō Fuuma, his opinion on the Shinra Banshou's removal. Ignoring the material within commas, this reads Raimei, Miharu, Thobari and Aizawa decide to ask the leader of Fuuma Village his opinion on the Shinra Banshou's removal. which sounds extremely awkward and needs to be reworded.
- As they approach Fuuma Village, they learn Kotarō is not at the village and that the Grey Wolves attacked Fuuma Village to search for the village's kinjutsushō Wouldn't this logically go the other way around, as in As they approach Fuuma Village, they learn that the Grey Wolves attacked Fuuma Village to search <blah blah blah> so Kotarō is not at the village?
- Actually, the Grey Wolves attacked because Kotarō wasn't home. "As they approach Fuuma Village, they learn the Grey Wolves attacked Fuuma Village to search <dadada> because Kotarō has left the village."?
- With them is Yoite With the wolves or with Raimei, Miharu, Thobari and Aizawa?
- Before Yoite can kill Thobari, Kotarō returns. Wait, they're fighting now?
First chapter only. More to come if I find the time.
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 19:44, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Link those characters; I had no idea what was going on for the entirety of the first volume and I couldn't click on links to find out. Unless they were linked before or don't have a section on the character list page, they should be linked at their first instance. (Be careful with your later links for cover characters; some people may consider linking characters twice
overlinking, while I don't really have an opinion on this). Might also want to link the first instance of
samurai and the like.
- A comment on the linking of characters: While they should definately be linked if they have entries on the character list, I don't think that is enough. Unless a character has appeared before the first volume, I would expect a chapter list to be accessible without consultation of the character list. --
Goodraise (
talk) 20:10, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Replies. I'm still unsure on who to wikilink. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 22:08, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Wikilink the first instance each character appears (i.e. the first time, a reader will encounter each character) and introduce them generally as Goodraise said. If you still can't do this, let me know so I can wikilink for you. If I wikilink, you'll still have to add the character intros yourself though.
- Attempted.
- Well done.
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 22:33, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- Thobari prevents this. I prefer Thobari prevents him from doing so.
- As his teacher Thobari Kumohira and classmate Kouichi Aizawa protect him From ninjas? What kinda school is he attending!? (Yes, this is a semi-serious comment.) And when, if ever, do these guys go to Nabiri and how do they do so?
- Added "from the ninja". "middle school"?
The more I read this, the more confused I get. Maybe this manga is like
Speed Grapher in its insanity...
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 00:18, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
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- It's just everything in the series is so vague (And my writing skills are terrible). ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 14:36, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
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- Nabari, a world unknown to most people I'm 100% uncertain what Nabari is; is it an alternate reality, a completely separate world, another dimension, etc.?
- "Nabari, a ninja world living in the shadows of normal society"?
- You still haven't answered my question. "living in the shadows" - Does this mean that the world is part of Earth, except we just don't see it?
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 22:33, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
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- "the
underground culture ninja live in"? Probably the hardest thing to define in the entire series.
- In exchange, Kira slowly drains the user's life until the user dies. Not so sure this is
relevant.
- Well, it's not relevant to the first volume, but it becomes relevant in the second. Should I move it there?
- I'm pretty sure the plural of "ninja" is "ninjas".
- It can be either way. I prefer the "ninja" pluralization became it's a Japanese word.
I share Goodraise's concern. I will look at other volumes when I get a chance, but the first volume looks good now.
ɳOCTURNEɳOIR
talk //
contribs 22:33, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- 3 replies. This doesn't look good at all. ;P ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 23:07, 28 April 2009 (UTC)
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Please hold until nominator has a chance to respond.
- Not accusing, but just checking: you're not repeating significant strings of text in these boxed plots from elsewhere without full acknowledgment, and even quotation marks, are you? WP's Signpost
has a big article on "borrowing" and "paraphrasing" text in last week's edition. Is it possible to paragraph some of those boxed grey masses of text, logically? Not always, but look for a few opportunities with the big ones.
- Lead: remove "story's". And this opening is a bobbydoozler winding snake ... so many links in the chain that I'm dizzy. "The story's plot follows Miharu Rokujo, a fourteen-year-old student, who becomes king of the hidden ninja world Nabari because the means to control all of creation is written onto his cells as he tries to escape the peril of his new position by searching for a non-lethal way to remove his ability."
Tony
(talk) 06:24, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
reply
- None of it is copied from another source. And I removed story's. I really don't know how to make the sentence less confusing. ~
Itzjustdrama
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C 19:42, 29 April 2009 (UTC)
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