The article was promoted by Ealdgyth via FACBot ( talk) 7 July 2020 [1].
Fabian Ware was fascinating. He went through three careers, first as a high level colonial educator, then editor of The Morning Post and finally as the founder and de facto CEO of the
Imperial War Graves Commission. Gibson & Ward (1989) write that "There are many human beings who have made their mark in history, but none other has left such a profound and lasting memorial to mankind's sacrifice on behalf of democracy as has this remarkable Englishman". I hope I've been able to do him justice with this article after almost two years of work, bringing the article up from
this state After comments by
Gog the Mild,
HJ Mitchell, copyedits by
DuncanHill and a GA review by
AustralianRupert, I feel this article meets the FA criteria, or could with your comments. I have access to all the sources, and can provide scans poorly taken photos upon request. Best wishes,
Eddie891
Talk
Work
15:29, 31 May 2020 (UTC)
Nb, I intend to use this review to claim points in the WikiCup.
Having gone through this in some detail three times over the past year I feel that this is in pretty good shape. Gog the Mild ( talk) 10:53, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
Eddie891 Talk Work 15:07, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
Reserving a spot here. I think the article looks good so far, but I will leave some comments later. epicgenius ( talk) 15:16, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
a failed effort to purchase the United Kingdom an airship- nothing wrong per se (I understand that you mean he purchased an airship for the UK), but at first I read this as "purchase the UK for an airship".
The unit soon began to focus exclusively on graves and the organisation was transferred to the British Army in 1915. In 1916, the Department of Graves Registration and Enquiries was created with Ware at its head. On 21 May 1917 the Imperial War Graves Commission was founded.- these three sentences either end or begin with dates, so they sound a bit like a timeline. Maybe spice it up a bit?
Ware was born in Clifton, Bristol on 17 June 1869,[1] the son of Charles and Amy Carew Ware, née Goulstone- I think you brought this sentence up on the Discord server already, but this sentence still needs revising. For one, I think you can get rid of the fact that he is the son (which is kind of obvious). E.g. "Ware was born in Clifton, Bristol on 17 June 1869 to Charles and Amy Carew Ware, née Goulstone"
to pay for attending the University of London.- weird phrasing, as "attending" is treated like a noun here. "To pay for tuition at the University of London" may be better.
He married Anna Margaret on 1 August 1895,- Who is Anna Margaret? How did they meet?
From 1899 to 1901 contributed articles to The Morning Post.[2]- this sentence is missing something
A committee was formed with Ware as the chairman, and recommended the establishment of a technical institute in its report- this switches from passive to active voice
Through Milner's influence,[6] in 1905 the editorship of The Morning Post was offered to Ware by Lord Glenesk, the paper's owner.- the passive voice sounds weird here
Shortly after beginning work, Ware came into conflict with Glenesk, who thought he should not promote tariff reform, and wrote asking Lady Bathurst[note 1] to intervene and threatening to resign. He disagreed with prominent members of the Conservative Party- Because both people in the sentences are male, these pronouns are ambiguous. Who wrote? Who disagreed?
When Glenesk died in November, his daughter, now Lady Bathurst,- Now I am slightly confused. His daughter became Lady Bathurst, but you mentioned Lady Bathurst before (with a footnote saying that Lady Bathurst was Glenesk's daughter). Maybe you should mention the familial relationship beforehand in the "wrote asking Lady Bathurst" sentence. This way you don't need to mention that Lady Bathurst is Glenesk's daughter again.
Morning Post''s- typo
The airship commissioned by The Morning Post was damaged when it arrived in England ten days after the Clément-Bayard No.2,- so it was damaged upon arrival? Or did it arrive in a damaged state?
More later. 🇪 🇵 🇮 🇨 🇬 🇪 🇳 🇮 🇺 🇸 ( talk) 15:28, 12 June 2020 (UTC)
This is much better than before. Here are some other things I noticed.
The GRC's work continued to rapidly expand through 1915: by May 1915, 4,300 graves had been registered.- the second "1915" is repetitive.
On 6 September Macready recommended transferring the organisation completely to the Army. The transfer was completed by late October.- I think this can probably be condensed into a single sentence.
Despite a ban on exhumations established by Joseph Joffre- you should probably give a description of a few words of what role Joffre has.
Only one-fifth of the typists Ware had requested- do you know the number of typists?
rendering the corpse potentially unknown- did you mean "unidentifiable"?
He also looked into establishing a 'Religious Advisory Committee' to helps settle religious questions- typo
For his work during the war, Ware was mentioned in despatches twice,[1] once by Douglas Haig on 10 April 1919.[121] In 1919 he was made a commander of the Order of the Bath- First, "twice, once" sounds strange and you can replace "once" with "including". Second, "1919. In 1919" sounds weird too. Can you rephrase so the year doesn't get repeated in such close succession?
had begun as early as 1919- I think it would be easier to say "had begun in 1919" if that's the definite date. Otherwise, go with something like "might have begun as early as 1919".
In 1926, it was concluded that- Who said that?
He was an adviser at the 1937 Imperial Conference.- with the Royal Institute?
The road 'Boulevard Fabian Ware'- I think you can just say "Boulevard Fabian Ware" without quotes.
That's all from me. epicgenius ( talk) 14:17, 15 June 2020 (UTC)
Signing off
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This is a great article on an important man (I admit, I did not recognise his name, and now I feel as though I should have. " Their name liveth for evermore", indeed.). I noticed a few small nits from a read through. I was tempted to go in and just fix these myself, rather than writing the usual laundry list, but some of the fixes are not entirely clear and you might like to comment on some of them.
My main comment is that the flow is a bit uneven and staccato in parts, with several passages of: "On [date] [action]" … "On [date] [action]" … "On [date] [action]". That can easy to slip into / difficult to avoid in a largely chronological biography, but some elegant wordsmithing to smooth the narrative would be welcome. Theramin ( talk) 00:39, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
|
Image review
Nikkimaria ( talk) 20:31, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
Hi, noting the partial source review above but I would like to see all sources checked for reliability and formatting, and I see Buidhe has kindly requested that at the top of WT:FAC. Cheers, Ian Rose ( talk) 12:24, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
Formatting and consistency
More to follow. Harrias talk 15:27, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
|website=Commonwealth War Graves Commission
I believe|website=
, but changed to publisher|work=
for #91 but not for #174 but I think that's because they are different sourcesMore to follow. Harrias talk 15:42, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
Spotchecks
Just that one instance of close para-phrasing to sort out, and then we're done. Harrias talk 07:17, 2 July 2020 (UTC)
The article was promoted by Ealdgyth via FACBot ( talk) 7 July 2020 [1].
Fabian Ware was fascinating. He went through three careers, first as a high level colonial educator, then editor of The Morning Post and finally as the founder and de facto CEO of the
Imperial War Graves Commission. Gibson & Ward (1989) write that "There are many human beings who have made their mark in history, but none other has left such a profound and lasting memorial to mankind's sacrifice on behalf of democracy as has this remarkable Englishman". I hope I've been able to do him justice with this article after almost two years of work, bringing the article up from
this state After comments by
Gog the Mild,
HJ Mitchell, copyedits by
DuncanHill and a GA review by
AustralianRupert, I feel this article meets the FA criteria, or could with your comments. I have access to all the sources, and can provide scans poorly taken photos upon request. Best wishes,
Eddie891
Talk
Work
15:29, 31 May 2020 (UTC)
Nb, I intend to use this review to claim points in the WikiCup.
Having gone through this in some detail three times over the past year I feel that this is in pretty good shape. Gog the Mild ( talk) 10:53, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
Eddie891 Talk Work 15:07, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
Reserving a spot here. I think the article looks good so far, but I will leave some comments later. epicgenius ( talk) 15:16, 2 June 2020 (UTC)
a failed effort to purchase the United Kingdom an airship- nothing wrong per se (I understand that you mean he purchased an airship for the UK), but at first I read this as "purchase the UK for an airship".
The unit soon began to focus exclusively on graves and the organisation was transferred to the British Army in 1915. In 1916, the Department of Graves Registration and Enquiries was created with Ware at its head. On 21 May 1917 the Imperial War Graves Commission was founded.- these three sentences either end or begin with dates, so they sound a bit like a timeline. Maybe spice it up a bit?
Ware was born in Clifton, Bristol on 17 June 1869,[1] the son of Charles and Amy Carew Ware, née Goulstone- I think you brought this sentence up on the Discord server already, but this sentence still needs revising. For one, I think you can get rid of the fact that he is the son (which is kind of obvious). E.g. "Ware was born in Clifton, Bristol on 17 June 1869 to Charles and Amy Carew Ware, née Goulstone"
to pay for attending the University of London.- weird phrasing, as "attending" is treated like a noun here. "To pay for tuition at the University of London" may be better.
He married Anna Margaret on 1 August 1895,- Who is Anna Margaret? How did they meet?
From 1899 to 1901 contributed articles to The Morning Post.[2]- this sentence is missing something
A committee was formed with Ware as the chairman, and recommended the establishment of a technical institute in its report- this switches from passive to active voice
Through Milner's influence,[6] in 1905 the editorship of The Morning Post was offered to Ware by Lord Glenesk, the paper's owner.- the passive voice sounds weird here
Shortly after beginning work, Ware came into conflict with Glenesk, who thought he should not promote tariff reform, and wrote asking Lady Bathurst[note 1] to intervene and threatening to resign. He disagreed with prominent members of the Conservative Party- Because both people in the sentences are male, these pronouns are ambiguous. Who wrote? Who disagreed?
When Glenesk died in November, his daughter, now Lady Bathurst,- Now I am slightly confused. His daughter became Lady Bathurst, but you mentioned Lady Bathurst before (with a footnote saying that Lady Bathurst was Glenesk's daughter). Maybe you should mention the familial relationship beforehand in the "wrote asking Lady Bathurst" sentence. This way you don't need to mention that Lady Bathurst is Glenesk's daughter again.
Morning Post''s- typo
The airship commissioned by The Morning Post was damaged when it arrived in England ten days after the Clément-Bayard No.2,- so it was damaged upon arrival? Or did it arrive in a damaged state?
More later. 🇪 🇵 🇮 🇨 🇬 🇪 🇳 🇮 🇺 🇸 ( talk) 15:28, 12 June 2020 (UTC)
This is much better than before. Here are some other things I noticed.
The GRC's work continued to rapidly expand through 1915: by May 1915, 4,300 graves had been registered.- the second "1915" is repetitive.
On 6 September Macready recommended transferring the organisation completely to the Army. The transfer was completed by late October.- I think this can probably be condensed into a single sentence.
Despite a ban on exhumations established by Joseph Joffre- you should probably give a description of a few words of what role Joffre has.
Only one-fifth of the typists Ware had requested- do you know the number of typists?
rendering the corpse potentially unknown- did you mean "unidentifiable"?
He also looked into establishing a 'Religious Advisory Committee' to helps settle religious questions- typo
For his work during the war, Ware was mentioned in despatches twice,[1] once by Douglas Haig on 10 April 1919.[121] In 1919 he was made a commander of the Order of the Bath- First, "twice, once" sounds strange and you can replace "once" with "including". Second, "1919. In 1919" sounds weird too. Can you rephrase so the year doesn't get repeated in such close succession?
had begun as early as 1919- I think it would be easier to say "had begun in 1919" if that's the definite date. Otherwise, go with something like "might have begun as early as 1919".
In 1926, it was concluded that- Who said that?
He was an adviser at the 1937 Imperial Conference.- with the Royal Institute?
The road 'Boulevard Fabian Ware'- I think you can just say "Boulevard Fabian Ware" without quotes.
That's all from me. epicgenius ( talk) 14:17, 15 June 2020 (UTC)
Signing off
| ||
---|---|---|
This is a great article on an important man (I admit, I did not recognise his name, and now I feel as though I should have. " Their name liveth for evermore", indeed.). I noticed a few small nits from a read through. I was tempted to go in and just fix these myself, rather than writing the usual laundry list, but some of the fixes are not entirely clear and you might like to comment on some of them.
My main comment is that the flow is a bit uneven and staccato in parts, with several passages of: "On [date] [action]" … "On [date] [action]" … "On [date] [action]". That can easy to slip into / difficult to avoid in a largely chronological biography, but some elegant wordsmithing to smooth the narrative would be welcome. Theramin ( talk) 00:39, 3 June 2020 (UTC)
|
Image review
Nikkimaria ( talk) 20:31, 6 June 2020 (UTC)
Hi, noting the partial source review above but I would like to see all sources checked for reliability and formatting, and I see Buidhe has kindly requested that at the top of WT:FAC. Cheers, Ian Rose ( talk) 12:24, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
Formatting and consistency
More to follow. Harrias talk 15:27, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
|website=Commonwealth War Graves Commission
I believe|website=
, but changed to publisher|work=
for #91 but not for #174 but I think that's because they are different sourcesMore to follow. Harrias talk 15:42, 30 June 2020 (UTC)
Spotchecks
Just that one instance of close para-phrasing to sort out, and then we're done. Harrias talk 07:17, 2 July 2020 (UTC)