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Reviewer: An anonymous username, not my real name ( talk · contribs) 21:49, 4 November 2022 (UTC)
I will do this review.
An anonymous username, not my real name (
talk) 21:49, 4 November 2022 (UTC)
and three half-siblings, Zac, Jemima, and Ben Goldsmith, from her mother's relationship with James Goldsmith, the man who became her second husband.I suggest rewording to "Lady Annabel's second husband" or "India Jane's stepfather" for less ambiguity. Done
As a child she witnessed the attack by a tiger at the private zoo of John Aspinall on her brother RobinAwkward wording; try "As a child, she witnessed a tiger attack [and you can link the relevant article] on her brother Robin at John Aspinall, a private zoo." Done, I've refined it slightly and created a new sentence for clarity.
The club had been perceived as old fashioned with its heyday in the 1970s and 1980s but her changes led to the arrival of a younger crowd to the club and the revival of its popularity.Adding commas before with and after 1980s reads much better. Done
Upon his death in 2007 Mark Birley left the majority of his estate valued at £120 million and his possessions to India Jane to be kept in trust for her son, Eben, in his will.Add a comma after 2007. Consider putting dashing around "valued at £120 million". Done "his estate — valued" I assume this is what you mean.
Birley held an auction at Sotheby'sYou may want to check the linking of the last word. Done
In 2001 The Economist described Birley as being a "modern portrait painter, in pursuit of honesty"Saying "as a" would be far more natural than "as being a". Also, put a comma after the date. Done
Birley and Janey Longman were the two subjects of Lucian Freud's 1992 painting Two Women.Specifying that there were two subjects seems unnecessary in this context. Done
During her separation from Pike, Birley met a Canadian voice coach and Alexander Technique tutor, Robert Macdonald.He is described in the cited article as a "a voice coach and teacher of breathing techniques"; mentioning the Alexander Technique seems to stray from what is stated. Removed, Done
Still some substantial work needed, but not bad overall. I'm placing it on hold. Good luck. An anonymous username, not my real name ( talk) 23:15, 4 November 2022 (UTC)
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Reviewer: An anonymous username, not my real name ( talk · contribs) 21:49, 4 November 2022 (UTC)
I will do this review.
An anonymous username, not my real name (
talk) 21:49, 4 November 2022 (UTC)
and three half-siblings, Zac, Jemima, and Ben Goldsmith, from her mother's relationship with James Goldsmith, the man who became her second husband.I suggest rewording to "Lady Annabel's second husband" or "India Jane's stepfather" for less ambiguity. Done
As a child she witnessed the attack by a tiger at the private zoo of John Aspinall on her brother RobinAwkward wording; try "As a child, she witnessed a tiger attack [and you can link the relevant article] on her brother Robin at John Aspinall, a private zoo." Done, I've refined it slightly and created a new sentence for clarity.
The club had been perceived as old fashioned with its heyday in the 1970s and 1980s but her changes led to the arrival of a younger crowd to the club and the revival of its popularity.Adding commas before with and after 1980s reads much better. Done
Upon his death in 2007 Mark Birley left the majority of his estate valued at £120 million and his possessions to India Jane to be kept in trust for her son, Eben, in his will.Add a comma after 2007. Consider putting dashing around "valued at £120 million". Done "his estate — valued" I assume this is what you mean.
Birley held an auction at Sotheby'sYou may want to check the linking of the last word. Done
In 2001 The Economist described Birley as being a "modern portrait painter, in pursuit of honesty"Saying "as a" would be far more natural than "as being a". Also, put a comma after the date. Done
Birley and Janey Longman were the two subjects of Lucian Freud's 1992 painting Two Women.Specifying that there were two subjects seems unnecessary in this context. Done
During her separation from Pike, Birley met a Canadian voice coach and Alexander Technique tutor, Robert Macdonald.He is described in the cited article as a "a voice coach and teacher of breathing techniques"; mentioning the Alexander Technique seems to stray from what is stated. Removed, Done
Still some substantial work needed, but not bad overall. I'm placing it on hold. Good luck. An anonymous username, not my real name ( talk) 23:15, 4 November 2022 (UTC)