My apologies for being rather unclear, HistoryofIran. The link incursion rather unexpectedly takes you to an article that don't match the text, please amend the sentence so this does not happen.
Amitchell125 (
talk)
16:56, 3 September 2019 (UTC)reply
his mother was a Khazar princess. - the lead section statement here appears to contradict the statement in the Background section which describes his maternal line as "uncertain". Which one is correct?
King of Kings of Iran from 579 to 590 - the lead section states the year Hormizd died, but this information is missing in the main article, and needs to be added.
marking the start of the Sasanian civil war of 589-591 - the name of the war also needs to be included in the main text.
Etymology
link deity
Ancestry
Background - Change the title of this section to 'Ancestry' (or something similar to this) to accurately reflect that the text is about about his Hormizd's parents/grandparents).
link Sasanian; shah, it doesn't matter that they are already linked in the lead section.
Shapur Shahbazi - who was he?
Markwart and Ibn Khordadbeh - who were they?
Policies and personality
-
Turkic incursions in the east
the battle of Hyrcanian rock - possibly the 'Battle of Hyrcanian Rock' (I'm happy to be ignored here)
Overthrow and death
He then appointed a new governor - presumably 'he' is Hormizd? Please amend accordingly.
suppress to the rebellion - remove 'to'.
one of his own men, Zadespras - the prose can be improved by changing it to 'Zadespras, one of his own men.'
during summer - 'during the summer'
cut transmissions - sounds very electrical! 'Communications'?
the chief Iranian city - 'Iranian' is superfluous.
continued to grow increasingly - is 'increasingly' needed here?
However, during Hormizd's stay - amend to 'During Hormizd's stay'
who equally hated Hormizd - if this is a quotation the source/speaker is needed.
latters - apostrophe needed
shortly - both examples are superfluous
Hormizd's execution - perhaps simply 'Hormizd's death', as an execution implies he was killed by the authorities
ordered execution of both his uncles - change to 'ordered the execution'
Religious policy and beliefs
state that Hormizd told the clergy - 'state that' needs to be removed
quotation - the coloured box needs to be changed
...introduce patterns for the relationship between... Can you explain what this means?
Family
Change the section from lists to a paragraph of text.
Provide citations for the text relating to his two wives.
Sources
These need to be placed alphabetically, in order of author.
There are two books/articles not listed in the Sources section (Tafazzoli 1988 (
possibilities listed), and Daryaee 2014 (can't help)). Do you know what these are?
Martindale, Jones & Morris 1992, p. 167 - this page doesn't exist in volume III, which it links to. Not sure what the solution is.
Review largely complete, short of checking a few references and reading it through once you have completed the above changes. It's looking impressive. GA on holdAmitchell125 (
talk)
14:32, 4 September 2019 (UTC)reply
My apologies for being rather unclear, HistoryofIran. The link incursion rather unexpectedly takes you to an article that don't match the text, please amend the sentence so this does not happen.
Amitchell125 (
talk)
16:56, 3 September 2019 (UTC)reply
his mother was a Khazar princess. - the lead section statement here appears to contradict the statement in the Background section which describes his maternal line as "uncertain". Which one is correct?
King of Kings of Iran from 579 to 590 - the lead section states the year Hormizd died, but this information is missing in the main article, and needs to be added.
marking the start of the Sasanian civil war of 589-591 - the name of the war also needs to be included in the main text.
Etymology
link deity
Ancestry
Background - Change the title of this section to 'Ancestry' (or something similar to this) to accurately reflect that the text is about about his Hormizd's parents/grandparents).
link Sasanian; shah, it doesn't matter that they are already linked in the lead section.
Shapur Shahbazi - who was he?
Markwart and Ibn Khordadbeh - who were they?
Policies and personality
-
Turkic incursions in the east
the battle of Hyrcanian rock - possibly the 'Battle of Hyrcanian Rock' (I'm happy to be ignored here)
Overthrow and death
He then appointed a new governor - presumably 'he' is Hormizd? Please amend accordingly.
suppress to the rebellion - remove 'to'.
one of his own men, Zadespras - the prose can be improved by changing it to 'Zadespras, one of his own men.'
during summer - 'during the summer'
cut transmissions - sounds very electrical! 'Communications'?
the chief Iranian city - 'Iranian' is superfluous.
continued to grow increasingly - is 'increasingly' needed here?
However, during Hormizd's stay - amend to 'During Hormizd's stay'
who equally hated Hormizd - if this is a quotation the source/speaker is needed.
latters - apostrophe needed
shortly - both examples are superfluous
Hormizd's execution - perhaps simply 'Hormizd's death', as an execution implies he was killed by the authorities
ordered execution of both his uncles - change to 'ordered the execution'
Religious policy and beliefs
state that Hormizd told the clergy - 'state that' needs to be removed
quotation - the coloured box needs to be changed
...introduce patterns for the relationship between... Can you explain what this means?
Family
Change the section from lists to a paragraph of text.
Provide citations for the text relating to his two wives.
Sources
These need to be placed alphabetically, in order of author.
There are two books/articles not listed in the Sources section (Tafazzoli 1988 (
possibilities listed), and Daryaee 2014 (can't help)). Do you know what these are?
Martindale, Jones & Morris 1992, p. 167 - this page doesn't exist in volume III, which it links to. Not sure what the solution is.
Review largely complete, short of checking a few references and reading it through once you have completed the above changes. It's looking impressive. GA on holdAmitchell125 (
talk)
14:32, 4 September 2019 (UTC)reply