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Reviewer: Pyrotec ( talk) 20:35, 17 November 2009 (UTC)
Initial comments
This article looks unfinished to me: there are a number of empty sections and/or subsections, they either need to be populated with text or removed. They are:
- Industrial Employers
- Industries
- Statistics
However, I will continue with this review and will review each section in turn against WP:WIAGA, but leaving the WP:Lead until last. Pyrotec ( talk) 11:47, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
* Present Employers -
- This is a common problem with nearly all the employers discussed here, so I'm only stating this once.
- Much of this information is taken from company's corporate websites, in at least two cases it is a straight copy and paste - well I changed one slightly, this is an international encylcopedia so "Commonwealth" needed to be changed to "Commonwealth of Pennsylvania" for their benefit. Useful information is provided such as turnover, number of employees, etc; but, and this is a big BUT, the article already states that they are regional and/or US companies.
- There is no discussion of how many of these employees work and live in Pittsburgh and how much of these companies turnover is generated in Pittsburgh. This article is specifically about the Economy of Pittsburgh, quoting regional and/or US figues merely shows that the companies are big: it gives nothing about the impact on the Economy of Pittsburgh - what relevence is the rest?
Take University of Pittsburgh Medical Center - it "made a $100 million commitment to The Pittsburgh Promise to fund postsecondary education for Pittsburgh’s high school graduates.” [3]". That is presumably important, but it only gets mentioned once, under Present Employers.
- History -
- Early Foundation -
::* Ref 5 appears to be a book. It needs to be properly referenced.
Pyrotec (
talk) 17:19, 15 December 2009 (UTC)
* Industrial Revolution -
- This has a {Main} link to Industrial Revolution, however there is not much US-specific information in that article, Technological and industrial history of the United States would be a better article to use in the {Main} link.
There is a single paragraph about steel in the 20th century, starting in the 1920s (and a separate section on Twentieth century follows it, starting in 1901!). This does give the unfortunate impression that the editors didn't really know when the Industrial Revolution took place.
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 12:30, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
- Nineteenth century -
- This is looking much better.
- You have highlighted the Carnegie Library, which is great, but we have one in my nearest town (5 miles away) in the UK. I think that you aught to expand the "meager" comments on Andrew Carnegie, he appears to have made his money in Pittsburgh and he built over 2,000 libraries worldwide. So what special claim does yours have? Perhaps you aught to cover these points. Pyrotec ( talk) 17:27, 15 December 2009 (UTC)
- Both this subsection and the previous one (Industrial Revolution) are very "thin" considering the previous importance of the steel industry to the Economy of Pittsburgh throughout the whole of the 19th century and nearly 75% of the 20th century (the 21st century is less than 10 years old after all). There is a lot of good stuff in History of Pittsburgh, including some good pictures. I suggest that you make some use of it in this article, but make sure that anything that is added is properly referenced.
- Transition into the Present Economy -
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 13:00, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
- The current version is a big improvement.
- You use "Pittsburgh SMSA" without first defining the initals/abbreviations "SMSA".
- Wikipedia is an encyclopedia and needs to be written from a neutral point of view (see WP:NPOV). In the first paragraph:
- "rest of the nation", I assume means the USA.
- "absolute", as "absolute worst of the recession", is unncessary.
- "Our nation's economy has taking the hardest hits in the ....", fails the test of neutrality. As does "fortunately for Pittsburgh".
- Much of these words appear to be a straight copy and paste from Ref 20, you don't indicate that you are quoting directly, so you should be summarising it.
- Ref 22 needs to be properly formatted, I suggest that you use the template template:cite .
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 17:43, 20 November 2009 (UTC)
- Twenty first century progression -
Article (
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Article talk (
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Reviewer: Pyrotec ( talk) 20:35, 17 November 2009 (UTC)
Initial comments
This article looks unfinished to me: there are a number of empty sections and/or subsections, they either need to be populated with text or removed. They are:
- Industrial Employers
- Industries
- Statistics
However, I will continue with this review and will review each section in turn against WP:WIAGA, but leaving the WP:Lead until last. Pyrotec ( talk) 11:47, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
* Present Employers -
- This is a common problem with nearly all the employers discussed here, so I'm only stating this once.
- Much of this information is taken from company's corporate websites, in at least two cases it is a straight copy and paste - well I changed one slightly, this is an international encylcopedia so "Commonwealth" needed to be changed to "Commonwealth of Pennsylvania" for their benefit. Useful information is provided such as turnover, number of employees, etc; but, and this is a big BUT, the article already states that they are regional and/or US companies.
- There is no discussion of how many of these employees work and live in Pittsburgh and how much of these companies turnover is generated in Pittsburgh. This article is specifically about the Economy of Pittsburgh, quoting regional and/or US figues merely shows that the companies are big: it gives nothing about the impact on the Economy of Pittsburgh - what relevence is the rest?
Take University of Pittsburgh Medical Center - it "made a $100 million commitment to The Pittsburgh Promise to fund postsecondary education for Pittsburgh’s high school graduates.” [3]". That is presumably important, but it only gets mentioned once, under Present Employers.
- History -
- Early Foundation -
::* Ref 5 appears to be a book. It needs to be properly referenced.
Pyrotec (
talk) 17:19, 15 December 2009 (UTC)
* Industrial Revolution -
- This has a {Main} link to Industrial Revolution, however there is not much US-specific information in that article, Technological and industrial history of the United States would be a better article to use in the {Main} link.
There is a single paragraph about steel in the 20th century, starting in the 1920s (and a separate section on Twentieth century follows it, starting in 1901!). This does give the unfortunate impression that the editors didn't really know when the Industrial Revolution took place.
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 12:30, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
- Nineteenth century -
- This is looking much better.
- You have highlighted the Carnegie Library, which is great, but we have one in my nearest town (5 miles away) in the UK. I think that you aught to expand the "meager" comments on Andrew Carnegie, he appears to have made his money in Pittsburgh and he built over 2,000 libraries worldwide. So what special claim does yours have? Perhaps you aught to cover these points. Pyrotec ( talk) 17:27, 15 December 2009 (UTC)
- Both this subsection and the previous one (Industrial Revolution) are very "thin" considering the previous importance of the steel industry to the Economy of Pittsburgh throughout the whole of the 19th century and nearly 75% of the 20th century (the 21st century is less than 10 years old after all). There is a lot of good stuff in History of Pittsburgh, including some good pictures. I suggest that you make some use of it in this article, but make sure that anything that is added is properly referenced.
- Transition into the Present Economy -
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 13:00, 19 November 2009 (UTC)
- The current version is a big improvement.
- You use "Pittsburgh SMSA" without first defining the initals/abbreviations "SMSA".
- Wikipedia is an encyclopedia and needs to be written from a neutral point of view (see WP:NPOV). In the first paragraph:
- "rest of the nation", I assume means the USA.
- "absolute", as "absolute worst of the recession", is unncessary.
- "Our nation's economy has taking the hardest hits in the ....", fails the test of neutrality. As does "fortunately for Pittsburgh".
- Much of these words appear to be a straight copy and paste from Ref 20, you don't indicate that you are quoting directly, so you should be summarising it.
- Ref 22 needs to be properly formatted, I suggest that you use the template template:cite .
....to be continued. Pyrotec ( talk) 17:43, 20 November 2009 (UTC)
- Twenty first century progression -