The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Gonzo fan2007 ( talk · contribs) 21:03, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
I'll review this one.
« Gonzo fan2007
(talk) @ 21:03, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
After attending Northern Michigan University (NMU) where he was a three-sport star, he coached several high school football, basketball, and track and field teams before returning to NMU where he served from 1956 to 1961 as a coach in four sports.long sentence, consider splitting into two.
Newberry? I get not wanting to repeat Michigan, but Newberry isn't Chicago or something like that. Newberry could be far away.
...also found time to attend the...a little too colloquial, just say it like it is
...also attended the...
...the University of Michigan, and earned...->
...the University of Michigan, where he earned...
...basketball coach, but became varsity head coach...no need for the comma
...resigning to focus on track and football...be consistent with the use of "track and field" instead of just "track"
NAIAshould be written out and linked
...he was shifted to a front office role, after just one year as special teams coach.no need for the comma
In the 2010s, he was interviewed several times by Green Bay Packers historian Cliff Christl.this seems like a random sentence. Is there more context you can add, like why or what came out of the interviews?
Nice work! Putting on hold. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:26, 16 August 2023 (UTC)
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Gonzo fan2007 ( talk · contribs) 21:03, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
I'll review this one.
« Gonzo fan2007
(talk) @ 21:03, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
After attending Northern Michigan University (NMU) where he was a three-sport star, he coached several high school football, basketball, and track and field teams before returning to NMU where he served from 1956 to 1961 as a coach in four sports.long sentence, consider splitting into two.
Newberry? I get not wanting to repeat Michigan, but Newberry isn't Chicago or something like that. Newberry could be far away.
...also found time to attend the...a little too colloquial, just say it like it is
...also attended the...
...the University of Michigan, and earned...->
...the University of Michigan, where he earned...
...basketball coach, but became varsity head coach...no need for the comma
...resigning to focus on track and football...be consistent with the use of "track and field" instead of just "track"
NAIAshould be written out and linked
...he was shifted to a front office role, after just one year as special teams coach.no need for the comma
In the 2010s, he was interviewed several times by Green Bay Packers historian Cliff Christl.this seems like a random sentence. Is there more context you can add, like why or what came out of the interviews?
Nice work! Putting on hold. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:26, 16 August 2023 (UTC)