Ryukyu dog
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 | This peer review discussion is closed. |
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to make it more readable.
Thanks, Annwfwn ( talk) 12:31, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
Comments from Thebiguglyalien
- Structure and content
- The lead should generally summarize the rest of the article as per WP:LEAD. The fact about 400 remaining Ryukyu should be moved to History, and the lead should have one or two paragraphs that briefly touch on the facts in each section.
- The second paragraph reads as WP:HOWEVER. It sets up a fact and then argues that the fact is not true, which should be avoided. This should be rewritten so that it consists of only verifiable information and is written in a cohesive manner.
- Appearance section needs to be rewritten as WP:PROSE.
- Inbreeding does not needs its own subsection if it's only one paragraph. It can just be part of the Health section.
- Style and grammar
bay Ryukyu wild boar in packs, and also rarely hunt birds.
– This should be rewritten. It reads awkwardly and the comma is unnecessary for a dependent clause.felt a strong urge to save the breed when he managed to find purebred Ryukyu dogs up in Yanbaru
– Keep it simple. For example, a simpler phrasing would be "wished to save the breed when he found purebred Ryukyu dogs in Yanbaru". Phrases such as "felt a strong urge to", "manged to find", and "up in" don't add anything to the article. And of course, this also needs a citation to determine whether it's actually true.Because of this claw, they can climb trees.
– This reads awkwardly. Maybe combine it with the previous sentence so that it reads "a dewclaw on the back of the foot that allows them to climb trees" or something to that effect.- The inline citations under Appearance are currently listed as [6][2][7]. These should be in numerical order. This occurs again in the section Ryukyu Inu Hozonkai, where they display as [9][4], which also have an extra space between them and the end punctuation.
The Ryukyu dog is described as a quiet dog
– Described by whom?They are agile, brave and not sensitive. They are natural hunters and have a high prey drive.
– These should be better integrated. Right now they seem like trivia or personal opinion. Maybe the first sentence of this paragraph could start with "The Ryukyu dog is a hunting dog". "They are agile, brave and not sensitive" should probably be removed.They can be escape artists
– Avoid this sort of imagery.While they are the same breed of dog, there are subtle difference between the two lines.
– The sentence switches between singular and plural, but it can probably be removed entirely, as a distinction has already been established in the previous sentence.the only establishment that recognises the Ryukyu dog thus far
– "thus far" is ambiguous. Avoid language that implies relative time as per MOS:REALTIME.due to the culture of breeding dogs in Japan and Okinawa
– What makes this culture of breeding dogs distinct?the Ryukyu dog Hozonkai have begun registering dogs "on merit" if they meet the breed standard and still continue to do this
– MOS:REALTIME. This sentence should probably be rewritten.Kai (海) is a very well-known Ryukyu Ken in Okinawa
– "very well-known" is unnecessary.Ume (ウメ) was a very light red brindle, almost fawn-coloured Ryukyu,
– This imagery is unnecessary. "was a light red brindle Ryukyu" is more to the point.Ume passed away
– Avoid euphemisms as per MOS:EUPHEMISM. "Died" is perfectly acceptable.
- References
- About half of the sources appear to be from a blog. Blogs should be avoided as sources per WP:SPS.
- Bare links should be formatted properly as sources. It appears that two sources are bare links, and both are now dead links.
- Overall, most of the information in the article is not sourced.
Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 19:40, 4 September 2022 (UTC)
@ Annwfwn: to ensure they saw the above comments. Z1720 ( talk) 04:09, 29 September 2022 (UTC)
Ryukyu dog
| Toolbox |
|---|
| This peer review discussion is closed. |
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to make it more readable.
Thanks, Annwfwn ( talk) 12:31, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
Comments from Thebiguglyalien
- Structure and content
- The lead should generally summarize the rest of the article as per WP:LEAD. The fact about 400 remaining Ryukyu should be moved to History, and the lead should have one or two paragraphs that briefly touch on the facts in each section.
- The second paragraph reads as WP:HOWEVER. It sets up a fact and then argues that the fact is not true, which should be avoided. This should be rewritten so that it consists of only verifiable information and is written in a cohesive manner.
- Appearance section needs to be rewritten as WP:PROSE.
- Inbreeding does not needs its own subsection if it's only one paragraph. It can just be part of the Health section.
- Style and grammar
bay Ryukyu wild boar in packs, and also rarely hunt birds.
– This should be rewritten. It reads awkwardly and the comma is unnecessary for a dependent clause.felt a strong urge to save the breed when he managed to find purebred Ryukyu dogs up in Yanbaru
– Keep it simple. For example, a simpler phrasing would be "wished to save the breed when he found purebred Ryukyu dogs in Yanbaru". Phrases such as "felt a strong urge to", "manged to find", and "up in" don't add anything to the article. And of course, this also needs a citation to determine whether it's actually true.Because of this claw, they can climb trees.
– This reads awkwardly. Maybe combine it with the previous sentence so that it reads "a dewclaw on the back of the foot that allows them to climb trees" or something to that effect.- The inline citations under Appearance are currently listed as [6][2][7]. These should be in numerical order. This occurs again in the section Ryukyu Inu Hozonkai, where they display as [9][4], which also have an extra space between them and the end punctuation.
The Ryukyu dog is described as a quiet dog
– Described by whom?They are agile, brave and not sensitive. They are natural hunters and have a high prey drive.
– These should be better integrated. Right now they seem like trivia or personal opinion. Maybe the first sentence of this paragraph could start with "The Ryukyu dog is a hunting dog". "They are agile, brave and not sensitive" should probably be removed.They can be escape artists
– Avoid this sort of imagery.While they are the same breed of dog, there are subtle difference between the two lines.
– The sentence switches between singular and plural, but it can probably be removed entirely, as a distinction has already been established in the previous sentence.the only establishment that recognises the Ryukyu dog thus far
– "thus far" is ambiguous. Avoid language that implies relative time as per MOS:REALTIME.due to the culture of breeding dogs in Japan and Okinawa
– What makes this culture of breeding dogs distinct?the Ryukyu dog Hozonkai have begun registering dogs "on merit" if they meet the breed standard and still continue to do this
– MOS:REALTIME. This sentence should probably be rewritten.Kai (海) is a very well-known Ryukyu Ken in Okinawa
– "very well-known" is unnecessary.Ume (ウメ) was a very light red brindle, almost fawn-coloured Ryukyu,
– This imagery is unnecessary. "was a light red brindle Ryukyu" is more to the point.Ume passed away
– Avoid euphemisms as per MOS:EUPHEMISM. "Died" is perfectly acceptable.
- References
- About half of the sources appear to be from a blog. Blogs should be avoided as sources per WP:SPS.
- Bare links should be formatted properly as sources. It appears that two sources are bare links, and both are now dead links.
- Overall, most of the information in the article is not sourced.
Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 19:40, 4 September 2022 (UTC)
@ Annwfwn: to ensure they saw the above comments. Z1720 ( talk) 04:09, 29 September 2022 (UTC)