Arnold Schwarzenegger
- A script has been used to generate a semi- automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review in order to further improve the article
Thanks, Dodgerblue777 ( talk) 19:49, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting and long article, here are some suggestions for improvement.
- I would treat the failed GA reviews (especially the most recent one) as a very detailed peer review. Make sure all of the points raised in it have been addressed before resubmitting to GAN, perhaps even ask the GA reviewer to look at the article again once you think everything has been fixed.
- The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. Nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself (TIME 100). My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way. DOes the lead really need 5 nicknames? Please see WP:LEAD
- Since the lead can be four paragraphs, I would expand the first paragraph to more than one sentence and keep the general structure of the lead - one paragraph each on bodybuilding, movies, and politics. Perhaps one on business too.
- Article uses {{ cquote}} when it should use {{ blockquote}} (as these are not pull quotes).
- One sentence from personal life section to illustrate several problems: On Sundays, the family attends Mass at St. Monica's Catholic Church.[68] First off, I am not sure this is notable. Second, it fails to provide context to the reader - where is this church (the preceding paragraph lists several places the family has homes)? Third, it is a one sentence paragraph and as such should be combined with another paragraph (sometimes short paragraphs can be expanded, but not here). Fourth, I think if this is notable, I would combine it with another sentence, perhaps something like The Schwarzenegger family has lived in an 11,000-square-foot (1 022 m²) home in Brentwood since YEAR,[63][64] and attends Sunday Mass at St. Monica's Catholic Church there.[68] This avoids "currently" too.
- Instead of the various "___ career" headers, why not "Bodybuilder", "Actor", "Politician"?
- I would carefully read this and try to combine things better - there is a section on steroid use and his heart valve problems in bodybuilding and some of this is repeated in the personal life section on accidents and health issues. The GA review points out more examples of this.
- Watch British English - he is an American citizen now so the article should use AE, not BE.
- Watch needless repetition - just say all four children were born in LA, not repeat born in LA for each (one example)
- Watch undue weight - there seems to be more material on Barbara Outland Baker that on his wife Maria Shriver - see WP:WEIGHT
- If this is going to FAC, people may object to the length of many of the quotations (pick out the salient parts and just quote that for most of them)
- I already noted this with the attending mass sentence, but some of the details seem to be of dubious notability. Is it really notable that he saved a man from drowning, or that his Hummer is being converted to hydrogen? The latter is a bit better because it is tied to his efforts to introduce hydrogen stations in California. Perhaps the trick is to tie the stories into the narrative better - as it is they sometimes read as trivia nuggets
- There are many FA Biography articles on movie stars and politicisns and athletes that would be good models to use for ideas and examples to follow.
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 05:45, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
Arnold Schwarzenegger
- A script has been used to generate a semi- automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review in order to further improve the article
Thanks, Dodgerblue777 ( talk) 19:49, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting and long article, here are some suggestions for improvement.
- I would treat the failed GA reviews (especially the most recent one) as a very detailed peer review. Make sure all of the points raised in it have been addressed before resubmitting to GAN, perhaps even ask the GA reviewer to look at the article again once you think everything has been fixed.
- The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. Nothing important should be in the lead only - since it is a summary, it should all be repeated in the body of the article itself (TIME 100). My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way. DOes the lead really need 5 nicknames? Please see WP:LEAD
- Since the lead can be four paragraphs, I would expand the first paragraph to more than one sentence and keep the general structure of the lead - one paragraph each on bodybuilding, movies, and politics. Perhaps one on business too.
- Article uses {{ cquote}} when it should use {{ blockquote}} (as these are not pull quotes).
- One sentence from personal life section to illustrate several problems: On Sundays, the family attends Mass at St. Monica's Catholic Church.[68] First off, I am not sure this is notable. Second, it fails to provide context to the reader - where is this church (the preceding paragraph lists several places the family has homes)? Third, it is a one sentence paragraph and as such should be combined with another paragraph (sometimes short paragraphs can be expanded, but not here). Fourth, I think if this is notable, I would combine it with another sentence, perhaps something like The Schwarzenegger family has lived in an 11,000-square-foot (1 022 m²) home in Brentwood since YEAR,[63][64] and attends Sunday Mass at St. Monica's Catholic Church there.[68] This avoids "currently" too.
- Instead of the various "___ career" headers, why not "Bodybuilder", "Actor", "Politician"?
- I would carefully read this and try to combine things better - there is a section on steroid use and his heart valve problems in bodybuilding and some of this is repeated in the personal life section on accidents and health issues. The GA review points out more examples of this.
- Watch British English - he is an American citizen now so the article should use AE, not BE.
- Watch needless repetition - just say all four children were born in LA, not repeat born in LA for each (one example)
- Watch undue weight - there seems to be more material on Barbara Outland Baker that on his wife Maria Shriver - see WP:WEIGHT
- If this is going to FAC, people may object to the length of many of the quotations (pick out the salient parts and just quote that for most of them)
- I already noted this with the attending mass sentence, but some of the details seem to be of dubious notability. Is it really notable that he saved a man from drowning, or that his Hummer is being converted to hydrogen? The latter is a bit better because it is tied to his efforts to introduce hydrogen stations in California. Perhaps the trick is to tie the stories into the narrative better - as it is they sometimes read as trivia nuggets
- There are many FA Biography articles on movie stars and politicisns and athletes that would be good models to use for ideas and examples to follow.
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 05:45, 7 March 2009 (UTC)