Try expanding the lead to at least a couple of sentences. Talk about the period of writing and the influence he had on others in the lead then echo that in the body.
The early life is not written chronologically, and this might help its readability.
The line about the administration being against public education needs to focus either on his family, or use contrasting language (although the administration...) at the beginning.
Summarize his college education path with more flowing language. The writing is very choppy. The sentences are short and not well connected.
the linkage between his family tragedies and smoking is not obvious. This needs to be elaborated so that the link is clear and well justified.
watch out for where adjective phrases end up "three inches of cancerous colon was removed in India" is an example of an out-of-place phrase.
his productivity is lost on those of us who do not know the works to which the article refers
Thanks! I'm hoping I can get this up to a B-class (can't decide if it's Start or Stub right now). Part of my plan for today is to head to the library and see if they have anything on him.
RedRollerskate20:31, 22 December 2006 (UTC)reply
Try expanding the lead to at least a couple of sentences. Talk about the period of writing and the influence he had on others in the lead then echo that in the body.
The early life is not written chronologically, and this might help its readability.
The line about the administration being against public education needs to focus either on his family, or use contrasting language (although the administration...) at the beginning.
Summarize his college education path with more flowing language. The writing is very choppy. The sentences are short and not well connected.
the linkage between his family tragedies and smoking is not obvious. This needs to be elaborated so that the link is clear and well justified.
watch out for where adjective phrases end up "three inches of cancerous colon was removed in India" is an example of an out-of-place phrase.
his productivity is lost on those of us who do not know the works to which the article refers
Thanks! I'm hoping I can get this up to a B-class (can't decide if it's Start or Stub right now). Part of my plan for today is to head to the library and see if they have anything on him.
RedRollerskate20:31, 22 December 2006 (UTC)reply