This article is on a metal drummer, would appreciate any feedback to get it read for FA. M3tal H3ad 13:54, 21 August 2007 (UTC)
That's all for now, I will take another look later. J Milburn 19:43, 21 August 2007 (UTC)
Ok, some more points- J Milburn 16:35, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
The research and references are fine, but the writing style needs significant editing to bring it up to encyclopedic standard.
The article often bumps together parts A and C without mention of part B of the story.
"With the drumkit, Lombardo purchased his first record..." implies that he got a really bad deal trading in the kit at a pawn shop for one LP! This sentence should be rewritten. Did his father include the record along with the kit?
Moby Dick reference jumps from "was not familiar with the material" to "after doing so" (playing the song with mastery, I assume you meant). Need a transitional sentence.
"...parents threatened to put him in a military school." Did they withdraw the threat? Did he have to give up late night events until leaving home?
"As Slayer's line-up was complete..." Did the band already have everyone but a drummer? The article jumps from King's own guitar collection, presumably at his home, to a full band taking the show on the road.
Hoglan appears and promptly disappears from the article. Is he really relevant?
Lombardo's wife appears without a mention of when they were married.
"Grip" section jumps from appropriate past tense into present tense discussion of events in the past.
He had to miss the 2005 Fantomas tour. Did he ever tour with them?
Should change to "Ten years after departing from Slayer..." and include the name of the manager.
The Christy quote should either cite the exact words for "blown away," or the summary should be rewritten to a less cliche term.
Finnish should be capitalized.
VisitorTalk http://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Wikipedia:WikiProject_Biography/Peer_review/Dave_Lombardo&action=edit§ion=4 Editing Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Dave Lombardo (section) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia15:31, 23 August 2007 (UTC)
I've done a copyedit of the entire article. However, the prose still needs attention and is the weakest component of the article as it stand. I recommend having another editor read and copyedit the page. The article in general seems ok, but I'm not too sure about the exensive use of reviews. Certainly there neds to be critical recognition of Lombardo's work, but since he's only a component of a complete group, single out sentences in reviews that mention him often seems like stretching the point. I'll try and offer more comments soon. WesleyDodds 08:02, 13 September 2007 (UTC)
This article is on a metal drummer, would appreciate any feedback to get it read for FA. M3tal H3ad 13:54, 21 August 2007 (UTC)
That's all for now, I will take another look later. J Milburn 19:43, 21 August 2007 (UTC)
Ok, some more points- J Milburn 16:35, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
The research and references are fine, but the writing style needs significant editing to bring it up to encyclopedic standard.
The article often bumps together parts A and C without mention of part B of the story.
"With the drumkit, Lombardo purchased his first record..." implies that he got a really bad deal trading in the kit at a pawn shop for one LP! This sentence should be rewritten. Did his father include the record along with the kit?
Moby Dick reference jumps from "was not familiar with the material" to "after doing so" (playing the song with mastery, I assume you meant). Need a transitional sentence.
"...parents threatened to put him in a military school." Did they withdraw the threat? Did he have to give up late night events until leaving home?
"As Slayer's line-up was complete..." Did the band already have everyone but a drummer? The article jumps from King's own guitar collection, presumably at his home, to a full band taking the show on the road.
Hoglan appears and promptly disappears from the article. Is he really relevant?
Lombardo's wife appears without a mention of when they were married.
"Grip" section jumps from appropriate past tense into present tense discussion of events in the past.
He had to miss the 2005 Fantomas tour. Did he ever tour with them?
Should change to "Ten years after departing from Slayer..." and include the name of the manager.
The Christy quote should either cite the exact words for "blown away," or the summary should be rewritten to a less cliche term.
Finnish should be capitalized.
VisitorTalk http://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Wikipedia:WikiProject_Biography/Peer_review/Dave_Lombardo&action=edit§ion=4 Editing Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Dave Lombardo (section) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia15:31, 23 August 2007 (UTC)
I've done a copyedit of the entire article. However, the prose still needs attention and is the weakest component of the article as it stand. I recommend having another editor read and copyedit the page. The article in general seems ok, but I'm not too sure about the exensive use of reviews. Certainly there neds to be critical recognition of Lombardo's work, but since he's only a component of a complete group, single out sentences in reviews that mention him often seems like stretching the point. I'll try and offer more comments soon. WesleyDodds 08:02, 13 September 2007 (UTC)