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This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article is currently a GA, and I would like to nominate it at FAC soonish. I think it is in pretty good shape, but I'd like to get another set of eyes on it before nominating it there. Attention to prose and neutrality would be particularly appreciated.
Thanks, Mark Arsten ( talk) 04:34, 21 April 2012 (UTC)
Comments (some quick notes, with the caveat that I know nothing about the subject!!)
The Rambling Man ( talk) 18:58, 23 April 2012 (UTC)
I think the heavy lifting has been done... I'm just looking it over. I'm still fascinated by the close orbits of Sadler and Beilhart. Anyway..(hope you don't mind, but I don't like directly editing the article. I'm too afraid of messing it up entirely!)
Maybe that's how it was, but it reads as though being a bellhop was his goal. Just seemed odd. I would think his main goal was to work at the sanitarium no matter what the position.
Two "The couple"'s in a row. Perhaps: "The couple had been interested in medicine for several years, but the loss of their child inspired them to pursue a medical careers. In 1901 they moved to San Francisco to attend medical school at Cooper Medical College"
- strike 'relatively', I think. You are an early adopter relative to other adopters by definition.
The lede says that Sadler left the church after Kellogg was excommunicated. Here, it just says Kellogg 'left the church'. Did leaving the church (or the conflict with White) lead to the excommunication? Did Kellogg leave because he was excommunicated? Doesn't matter, really, but the lede caused me to want to know more. :)
I don't know for sure, but I thought that you didn't specifically name an author or work unless you were going to directly quote something from it. (thus, we'd have "Gardner writes... ", "York wrote... " etc all through the article). I'm unsure on this one. In any event, I might have said, "In his 2002 profile of the Urantia movement, Brad Gooch wrote/writes/said.... "
That takes me up to "Urantia Revelation"... More later.. Wikipelli Talk 10:55, 24 April 2012 (UTC)
Toolbox |
---|
This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article is currently a GA, and I would like to nominate it at FAC soonish. I think it is in pretty good shape, but I'd like to get another set of eyes on it before nominating it there. Attention to prose and neutrality would be particularly appreciated.
Thanks, Mark Arsten ( talk) 04:34, 21 April 2012 (UTC)
Comments (some quick notes, with the caveat that I know nothing about the subject!!)
The Rambling Man ( talk) 18:58, 23 April 2012 (UTC)
I think the heavy lifting has been done... I'm just looking it over. I'm still fascinated by the close orbits of Sadler and Beilhart. Anyway..(hope you don't mind, but I don't like directly editing the article. I'm too afraid of messing it up entirely!)
Maybe that's how it was, but it reads as though being a bellhop was his goal. Just seemed odd. I would think his main goal was to work at the sanitarium no matter what the position.
Two "The couple"'s in a row. Perhaps: "The couple had been interested in medicine for several years, but the loss of their child inspired them to pursue a medical careers. In 1901 they moved to San Francisco to attend medical school at Cooper Medical College"
- strike 'relatively', I think. You are an early adopter relative to other adopters by definition.
The lede says that Sadler left the church after Kellogg was excommunicated. Here, it just says Kellogg 'left the church'. Did leaving the church (or the conflict with White) lead to the excommunication? Did Kellogg leave because he was excommunicated? Doesn't matter, really, but the lede caused me to want to know more. :)
I don't know for sure, but I thought that you didn't specifically name an author or work unless you were going to directly quote something from it. (thus, we'd have "Gardner writes... ", "York wrote... " etc all through the article). I'm unsure on this one. In any event, I might have said, "In his 2002 profile of the Urantia movement, Brad Gooch wrote/writes/said.... "
That takes me up to "Urantia Revelation"... More later.. Wikipelli Talk 10:55, 24 April 2012 (UTC)