This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…I would like to make this article an FA. If people who are very familiar with the FAC process could comment, in addition to anyone else, I would be grateful.
I found an alternate source for the AOL source and replaced it. And for Popdust, I have emailed the reviewer who wrote the review asking about her educational background and what her qualifications are for writing about music.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
WP Comments
Per request at talk page. I'm copy editing the article as I go and will be listing issues by which I am confused, here.
Lead
As you can see, I have trimmed the lead as it was quite long. Yes, I know this is a good article, but too much was there. Waffle was reduced as well. Just throwing that out.
"Residents driving around the location of the set informed BBC that traffic in the area was congested as drivers wanted to see the singer." - "Resident" is awkward here: residents of what? Why not "People" instead?
"Most critics agreed that the way in which the video had been shot was reminiscent of being a film" - unclear what this sentence means. Rewrite in simple and clear English?
Done. I guess because I'm a film student, that line makes sense to me.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
I can understand what you were trying to say, but the sentence needed to be re-worded. By the way, music videos are short films by definition. —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]01:23, 10 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"Some critics also compared the controversial content to those of Rihanna's videos for "S&M" and "Man Down". The video caused controversy from activist groups, including The Rape Crisis Centre in the UK." - Okay, order needs to be revised here. You discuss the controversial content comparisons before actually saying that the video caused controversy?
"Christian youth pastors Brandon Ward and John Colonnello as well as Ulster Cancer Foundation, for Rihanna's portrayal in the video of having sex whilst under the influence of illegal drugs, not being a role model to young girls and women and for smoking." - Does not read like a proper sentence. Missing word maybe?
"As a result, the video was banned from being shown before 10pm on French television due to it's controversial content." - Isn't it redundant to say both "As a result" and "due to its controversial content" in the same sentence? Maybe remove the latter?
Revise article throughout for your incorrect usage of "It's", when "Its" should really be there. "Its" represents possession, while "It's" is a contraction for "It is".
"The video was filmed in a field in the town of Bangor, County Down, ahead of Rihanna embarking on the European leg of the Loud Tour (2011) and was directed by Melina Matsoukas, who had previously directed the videos for "Rude Boy" (2010), and the controversial "S&M" (2011)." - I do not understand the Loud Tour part of the sentence and how it is relevant. Also, missing comma after "(2011)"? Sentence needs revising.
"a red bandana top, long flannel shirt, and dirty denim"" - Quotations are used for quality and special wording. This does not need quotation marks (maybe the "dirty denim", but not the rest.)
""an American flag bikini, denim vest, and ripped jeans"" - same here. This needs some slight paraphrasing. Maybe "A bikini with the pattern of the American flag, as well as a denim vest and ripped jeans".
""When the filming did become to my mind unacceptable I requested the filming to stop ... it became apparent to me that the situation was becoming inappropriate and I requested them to stop and they did"" - this is almost repeating what you said in your own words. Trim it down.
"It was reported that extras were not told about what was expected of them until a very short time period beforehand, in order to keep the content of the video as secret as possible." -
WP:WEASEL word. Who reported this? Also, by who were they not told of their expectations? The "until a very short time period beforehand" - needs to be re-worded. It's a bit awkward. I can't think of anything clever at the moment, but maybe "until the last minute"?
Done. I don't know who told them that, someone on set most likely.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
Could we elaborate on what this violent experience she had? It's vague right now.
Not a major issue, but comparing the two lead sentences: "The video for "We Found Love" references popular culture in the form of films." versus "The video also features multiple popular culture references to other artists in the music industry." They are worded a bit too similarly. I think the second could be worded a bit more creatively. Something like "Elements of the music video have been compared to the works of recording artists Britney Spears, Eminem and Madonna." It's a little more fresh , "wow" and interesting. My suggestion you don't have to follow, because I know you can write better.
Actually, overall, I think the whole section could use some copy editing to make the wording more variant and compelling. It's slightly repetitive now. This part of the article has a lot of potential as an interesting read. I see a lot of the same "The video features this, which is a lot what this film/song does." As a challenge, try and be creative. This will obviously be difficult, let alone for FAC, but it will vastly improve the overall flow.
"Spears is shown as a successful singer constantly hounded by the media and" - maybe the word "hounded" is a bit colloquial. Maybe something like "bothers"?
Also, may I add that this isn't actually reference to music, but other music videos? A video can easily illustrate the lyrics of another song, but this isn't what is dicussed in this section. So there may need to be some re-naming. Thanks, —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]01:59, 14 January 2012 (UTC)reply
Another point: I think the section jumps from comparison to comparison a bit too quickly. I think elaborating on each reference will make the article flow a lot better. It's a bit choppy and list-y right now. See if you can dig for more discussion from the sources. —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]19:18, 26 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"Matthew Perpetua of Rolling Stone found "the footage looks like a remake of Trainspotting, writing "[We Found Love] matches its thumping rave beat to footage that often looks like a remake of Trainspotting"" - missing quotation mark? —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]11:49, 29 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"The negative reaction to the video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to be criticized by various organizations" - Rihanna had the negative reaction? Re-word. You mean "The video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to receive a negative reaction from organizations"?
""S&M" was the first, and was banned from eleven countries around the world due to its explicit sexual content,[3][4] while "Man Down" attracted media attention when the Parents Television Council (PTC), a non-profit organization that advocates responsible entertainment, criticized Rihanna for "cold, calculated execution of murder" in the video and for portraying a scenario of rape.[5]" - this is dragging into too much unnecessary detail
"Among the similarities, critics ..." - critics were among the similarities?
What's "bad boy archetypes"?
"that is also against guns that politicians felt the need to talk about it." - guns?
"According to her, the videos continue with a
xenophobic portrayal of British people as villains by American
pop culture." - not sure where the "by American pop culture" fits here? What about them? Clarify.
This article isn't complete; The year-end lists of the best 2011 music videos should be added. I've seen "We Found Love" on some of them. I think Pitchfork Media, AOL, Consequence of Sound, Slant Magazine etc. Plus I've seen
this on the talk page and it isn't added in the article. So, first add everything you'll find about the music video and then nominate it for an FA.
My love is love (
talk)
10:17, 8 January 2012 (UTC)reply
Added the 2011 lists I could find/which are okay for FAC.
Aaron •
You Da One
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…I would like to make this article an FA. If people who are very familiar with the FAC process could comment, in addition to anyone else, I would be grateful.
I found an alternate source for the AOL source and replaced it. And for Popdust, I have emailed the reviewer who wrote the review asking about her educational background and what her qualifications are for writing about music.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
WP Comments
Per request at talk page. I'm copy editing the article as I go and will be listing issues by which I am confused, here.
Lead
As you can see, I have trimmed the lead as it was quite long. Yes, I know this is a good article, but too much was there. Waffle was reduced as well. Just throwing that out.
"Residents driving around the location of the set informed BBC that traffic in the area was congested as drivers wanted to see the singer." - "Resident" is awkward here: residents of what? Why not "People" instead?
"Most critics agreed that the way in which the video had been shot was reminiscent of being a film" - unclear what this sentence means. Rewrite in simple and clear English?
Done. I guess because I'm a film student, that line makes sense to me.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
I can understand what you were trying to say, but the sentence needed to be re-worded. By the way, music videos are short films by definition. —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]01:23, 10 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"Some critics also compared the controversial content to those of Rihanna's videos for "S&M" and "Man Down". The video caused controversy from activist groups, including The Rape Crisis Centre in the UK." - Okay, order needs to be revised here. You discuss the controversial content comparisons before actually saying that the video caused controversy?
"Christian youth pastors Brandon Ward and John Colonnello as well as Ulster Cancer Foundation, for Rihanna's portrayal in the video of having sex whilst under the influence of illegal drugs, not being a role model to young girls and women and for smoking." - Does not read like a proper sentence. Missing word maybe?
"As a result, the video was banned from being shown before 10pm on French television due to it's controversial content." - Isn't it redundant to say both "As a result" and "due to its controversial content" in the same sentence? Maybe remove the latter?
Revise article throughout for your incorrect usage of "It's", when "Its" should really be there. "Its" represents possession, while "It's" is a contraction for "It is".
"The video was filmed in a field in the town of Bangor, County Down, ahead of Rihanna embarking on the European leg of the Loud Tour (2011) and was directed by Melina Matsoukas, who had previously directed the videos for "Rude Boy" (2010), and the controversial "S&M" (2011)." - I do not understand the Loud Tour part of the sentence and how it is relevant. Also, missing comma after "(2011)"? Sentence needs revising.
"a red bandana top, long flannel shirt, and dirty denim"" - Quotations are used for quality and special wording. This does not need quotation marks (maybe the "dirty denim", but not the rest.)
""an American flag bikini, denim vest, and ripped jeans"" - same here. This needs some slight paraphrasing. Maybe "A bikini with the pattern of the American flag, as well as a denim vest and ripped jeans".
""When the filming did become to my mind unacceptable I requested the filming to stop ... it became apparent to me that the situation was becoming inappropriate and I requested them to stop and they did"" - this is almost repeating what you said in your own words. Trim it down.
"It was reported that extras were not told about what was expected of them until a very short time period beforehand, in order to keep the content of the video as secret as possible." -
WP:WEASEL word. Who reported this? Also, by who were they not told of their expectations? The "until a very short time period beforehand" - needs to be re-worded. It's a bit awkward. I can't think of anything clever at the moment, but maybe "until the last minute"?
Done. I don't know who told them that, someone on set most likely.
Calvin •
Watch n' Learn
Could we elaborate on what this violent experience she had? It's vague right now.
Not a major issue, but comparing the two lead sentences: "The video for "We Found Love" references popular culture in the form of films." versus "The video also features multiple popular culture references to other artists in the music industry." They are worded a bit too similarly. I think the second could be worded a bit more creatively. Something like "Elements of the music video have been compared to the works of recording artists Britney Spears, Eminem and Madonna." It's a little more fresh , "wow" and interesting. My suggestion you don't have to follow, because I know you can write better.
Actually, overall, I think the whole section could use some copy editing to make the wording more variant and compelling. It's slightly repetitive now. This part of the article has a lot of potential as an interesting read. I see a lot of the same "The video features this, which is a lot what this film/song does." As a challenge, try and be creative. This will obviously be difficult, let alone for FAC, but it will vastly improve the overall flow.
"Spears is shown as a successful singer constantly hounded by the media and" - maybe the word "hounded" is a bit colloquial. Maybe something like "bothers"?
Also, may I add that this isn't actually reference to music, but other music videos? A video can easily illustrate the lyrics of another song, but this isn't what is dicussed in this section. So there may need to be some re-naming. Thanks, —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]01:59, 14 January 2012 (UTC)reply
Another point: I think the section jumps from comparison to comparison a bit too quickly. I think elaborating on each reference will make the article flow a lot better. It's a bit choppy and list-y right now. See if you can dig for more discussion from the sources. —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]19:18, 26 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"Matthew Perpetua of Rolling Stone found "the footage looks like a remake of Trainspotting, writing "[We Found Love] matches its thumping rave beat to footage that often looks like a remake of Trainspotting"" - missing quotation mark? —
WP:PENGUIN·[
TALK ]11:49, 29 January 2012 (UTC)reply
"The negative reaction to the video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to be criticized by various organizations" - Rihanna had the negative reaction? Re-word. You mean "The video is the third by Rihanna in 2011 to receive a negative reaction from organizations"?
""S&M" was the first, and was banned from eleven countries around the world due to its explicit sexual content,[3][4] while "Man Down" attracted media attention when the Parents Television Council (PTC), a non-profit organization that advocates responsible entertainment, criticized Rihanna for "cold, calculated execution of murder" in the video and for portraying a scenario of rape.[5]" - this is dragging into too much unnecessary detail
"Among the similarities, critics ..." - critics were among the similarities?
What's "bad boy archetypes"?
"that is also against guns that politicians felt the need to talk about it." - guns?
"According to her, the videos continue with a
xenophobic portrayal of British people as villains by American
pop culture." - not sure where the "by American pop culture" fits here? What about them? Clarify.
This article isn't complete; The year-end lists of the best 2011 music videos should be added. I've seen "We Found Love" on some of them. I think Pitchfork Media, AOL, Consequence of Sound, Slant Magazine etc. Plus I've seen
this on the talk page and it isn't added in the article. So, first add everything you'll find about the music video and then nominate it for an FA.
My love is love (
talk)
10:17, 8 January 2012 (UTC)reply
Added the 2011 lists I could find/which are okay for FAC.
Aaron •
You Da One