Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive to me, an outsider. It's stable, and reasonably well-written in most places, though I have some concerns, noted below, about prose and style issues. The images need alt text. The text is jargon-heavy in places, and this could be troubling for non-gamers who are trying to understand the subject. Here are a few suggestions for further improvement.
Images
Alt text for images is now a requirement for FA. It describes image content to readers who can't see the images and have to rely on machine read-outs of the text.
WP:ALT explains how to write alt text and where to put it, and you can see recent alt text in articles at
WP:FAC.
The source link on the license page for
Image:Dsi closed traced.svg is circular; that is, it says in effect, "the source of the image is the image". Fact-checkers need to be able to check the source in a context that will allow them to verify that the image is free, as claimed.
Lead
MOS:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." The existing lead says nothing about "Reception".
Wikilink
iteration in the first sentence of the lead?
Development
"unveiled the console on October 2, 2008 during a Nintendo Conference in Tokyo" - Full dates like this one need a comma after the year; i.e., "October 2, 2008, during... ".
"its predecessors which was shared among multiple members of a household" - Subject-verb agreement: "were" rather than "was"
Demographic and sales
"After the success of its predecessor, the DSi is intended to help expand its market from "one DS per household" to "one DS per person".[17] Satoru Iwata, president and CEO of Nintendo, mentioned game consoles are shared by multiple members within a household. In order to narrow the gap between DS's owned per household and actual DS users per household, the company will attempt to make the DS a more personalized experience to appeal to each family member of a household." - I had a strange sensation of deja vu when I read this because it's repeated word-for-word in the lead and also because the idea of one console per person is also repeated in the "History" section. I'd suggest revising a bit for more variety and less repetition.
Hardware
"The console has two larger TFT-LCD screens at 3.25 inches, instead of the former 3 inches... " - In the "History" section, you use metric for the primary unit and convert to imperial for the secondary unit. Here you give the dimensions only in imperial. I think it's OK to stick with metric as the primary in this article, but you need to be consistent and to add conversions. I like to use the {{convert}} template for these because it spells and abbreviates correctly as well as doing the math.
"and it may be replaced by the user at the end of its useful life of approximately five hundred charge cycles" - "500" instead of "five hundred" for consistency?
Technical specifications and Features
"such as the main CPU and the RAM" - Spell out and abbreviate these terms on first use as you did with Game Boy Advance (GBA)?
Explain or link "Codec IC"?
Spell out and abbreviate MHz, MB, SD, SDHC, AAC, Wi-Fi, WEP, WPA for readers unfamiliar with the abbreviations?
Software library
"Both will utilize the DSi's camera." - "Use" is preferred to "utilize".
"The applications are either free, or cost 200, 500, or 800+ (marked with a "Premium" tag) points." - How much do the points cost?
"A DSiWare trial campaign offers 1,000 Points to each DSi that accesses its shop application." - "Accesses its shop application" is a bit mysterious and probably qualifies as jargon. Could this be rendered in plain English?
Reception
"The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch, with many websites and reviewers differing as to whether it is worth upgrading from the DS Lite." - "With" makes a weak conjunction. Suggestion: "The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch. Websites and reviewers disagreed about whether the upgrade from the DS Lite was worthwhile."
"significant new features, and is primarily a vehicle for DRM" - Another mystery abbreviation. Please spell out as well as abbreviate on first use.
"General opinion showed disappointment with the absence of the GBA slot, although it was considered a reasonable tradeoff for downloadable content and accessibility to an SD card that will differ based on user preference." - Dangling modifier? It's not entirely clear from this whether you mean that users will choose different SD cards or that they will differ about the absence of the GBA slot.
"Since this DS iteration has a similar overall design to and is similarly portable as its predecessor as well as add new features... " - Something's missing from this part of the sentence.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one.
Finetooth (
talk)
20:27, 26 October 2009 (UTC)reply
Yes, a lot were actually helpful. I expected such a detailed look (prose and style issues) at FAC, not the other way around. Thanks.
« ₣M₣ » 16:38, 28 October 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive to me, an outsider. It's stable, and reasonably well-written in most places, though I have some concerns, noted below, about prose and style issues. The images need alt text. The text is jargon-heavy in places, and this could be troubling for non-gamers who are trying to understand the subject. Here are a few suggestions for further improvement.
Images
Alt text for images is now a requirement for FA. It describes image content to readers who can't see the images and have to rely on machine read-outs of the text.
WP:ALT explains how to write alt text and where to put it, and you can see recent alt text in articles at
WP:FAC.
The source link on the license page for
Image:Dsi closed traced.svg is circular; that is, it says in effect, "the source of the image is the image". Fact-checkers need to be able to check the source in a context that will allow them to verify that the image is free, as claimed.
Lead
MOS:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." The existing lead says nothing about "Reception".
Wikilink
iteration in the first sentence of the lead?
Development
"unveiled the console on October 2, 2008 during a Nintendo Conference in Tokyo" - Full dates like this one need a comma after the year; i.e., "October 2, 2008, during... ".
"its predecessors which was shared among multiple members of a household" - Subject-verb agreement: "were" rather than "was"
Demographic and sales
"After the success of its predecessor, the DSi is intended to help expand its market from "one DS per household" to "one DS per person".[17] Satoru Iwata, president and CEO of Nintendo, mentioned game consoles are shared by multiple members within a household. In order to narrow the gap between DS's owned per household and actual DS users per household, the company will attempt to make the DS a more personalized experience to appeal to each family member of a household." - I had a strange sensation of deja vu when I read this because it's repeated word-for-word in the lead and also because the idea of one console per person is also repeated in the "History" section. I'd suggest revising a bit for more variety and less repetition.
Hardware
"The console has two larger TFT-LCD screens at 3.25 inches, instead of the former 3 inches... " - In the "History" section, you use metric for the primary unit and convert to imperial for the secondary unit. Here you give the dimensions only in imperial. I think it's OK to stick with metric as the primary in this article, but you need to be consistent and to add conversions. I like to use the {{convert}} template for these because it spells and abbreviates correctly as well as doing the math.
"and it may be replaced by the user at the end of its useful life of approximately five hundred charge cycles" - "500" instead of "five hundred" for consistency?
Technical specifications and Features
"such as the main CPU and the RAM" - Spell out and abbreviate these terms on first use as you did with Game Boy Advance (GBA)?
Explain or link "Codec IC"?
Spell out and abbreviate MHz, MB, SD, SDHC, AAC, Wi-Fi, WEP, WPA for readers unfamiliar with the abbreviations?
Software library
"Both will utilize the DSi's camera." - "Use" is preferred to "utilize".
"The applications are either free, or cost 200, 500, or 800+ (marked with a "Premium" tag) points." - How much do the points cost?
"A DSiWare trial campaign offers 1,000 Points to each DSi that accesses its shop application." - "Accesses its shop application" is a bit mysterious and probably qualifies as jargon. Could this be rendered in plain English?
Reception
"The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch, with many websites and reviewers differing as to whether it is worth upgrading from the DS Lite." - "With" makes a weak conjunction. Suggestion: "The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch. Websites and reviewers disagreed about whether the upgrade from the DS Lite was worthwhile."
"significant new features, and is primarily a vehicle for DRM" - Another mystery abbreviation. Please spell out as well as abbreviate on first use.
"General opinion showed disappointment with the absence of the GBA slot, although it was considered a reasonable tradeoff for downloadable content and accessibility to an SD card that will differ based on user preference." - Dangling modifier? It's not entirely clear from this whether you mean that users will choose different SD cards or that they will differ about the absence of the GBA slot.
"Since this DS iteration has a similar overall design to and is similarly portable as its predecessor as well as add new features... " - Something's missing from this part of the sentence.
I hope these suggestions are helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one.
Finetooth (
talk)
20:27, 26 October 2009 (UTC)reply
Yes, a lot were actually helpful. I expected such a detailed look (prose and style issues) at FAC, not the other way around. Thanks.
« ₣M₣ » 16:38, 28 October 2009 (UTC)