This peer review discussion has been closed.
After more than five years on Wikipedia I've finally decided to brave the FAC dragons. I'd like to go in as prepared as possible so any and all comments would be useful. The article has recently passed a GA review and has been copyedited by
MacwhizCavie78 (
talk)
19:13, 8 November 2010 (UTC)reply
Finetooth comments: This seems to me to be in fairly good shape, but I have one serious reservation and some smaller ones.
The article depends too heavily on short, embedded quotes in the text. I'd recommend that you make the article less dependent on direct quotes by restating the claims in your own words. That's tricky, I know, because whatever you say must be supported by the sources. Still, I count 11 or 12 of these snippet quotes, things like "new wave of confidence in the Welsh nation", "pop strike", and "token Welsh songs" in the lead alone. The overall effect is to make the article read too much like a compilation of the words of others. An example of an easy change from quote snippet to paraphrase occurs in the sentence, "Rhys has stated that many of the Mwng 's songs are highly personal reflections on what were a 'pretty heavy' few years for him." You might replace this with "Rhys has stated that many of Mwng 's songs are personal reflections on what were difficult years for him." The source supports both ways of saying this, and neither paraphrases the source too closely. So why use the quote snippet?
Origins and recording
"Rhys has also stated that Mwng was inspired by him simply "getting bored" of writing songs in English... " - The construction "by him getting" is a bit awkward. Maybe "inspired by his boredom with writing songs in English"? Or "Rhys has also stated that his boredom with writing songs in English inspired him to write Mwng"? Done Have changed - I prefer the latter suggestion.
"rather than being a celebration of Welsh culture" - Tighten by one word by deleting "being"? Done
""Sarn Helen" was recorded and engineered by keyboardist Cian Ciaran in his living room." - Change to active voice to avoid a string of passives; i.e., "Keyboardist Cian Ciaran recorded and engineered "Sarn Helen" in his living room"?
"Overdubs for all songs were added at Ofn with Owen, who also mixed the album at the studio along with the Super Furry Animals." - Active voice? Maybe "Working with the Super Furry Animals, Owen mixed the album at Ofn, and he added the overdubs for the songs"? My rule of thumb with the passive voice is to change to active when it's relatively easy to do so; e.g., "The cat scratched the dog" rather than "The dog was scratched by the cat".
Citation 25 lacks the publisher info, which seems to be cokemachineglow (CMG), and the date of most recent access.
The date of most recent access is there. I've chosen to add publication details only for print media per
WP:CITEHOW
I've changed some of the web cites, changing work to publisher so Done
In citation 29, "SUPER FURRY ANIMALS" should be changed to Wikipedia house style, "Super Furry Animals", even though the source uses all caps. Done
The image of Rhys would probably be better placed on the left so that he looks into the page.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at
WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page.
Finetooth (
talk)
03:25, 17 November 2010 (UTC)reply
Welsh language album was not "an explicitly political statement", the group did want to make a "stand against globalisation", railing -> Lead states that Ryhs felt it, not the group.
were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr. -> commas -> were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff, and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire, and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
After more than five years on Wikipedia I've finally decided to brave the FAC dragons. I'd like to go in as prepared as possible so any and all comments would be useful. The article has recently passed a GA review and has been copyedited by
MacwhizCavie78 (
talk)
19:13, 8 November 2010 (UTC)reply
Finetooth comments: This seems to me to be in fairly good shape, but I have one serious reservation and some smaller ones.
The article depends too heavily on short, embedded quotes in the text. I'd recommend that you make the article less dependent on direct quotes by restating the claims in your own words. That's tricky, I know, because whatever you say must be supported by the sources. Still, I count 11 or 12 of these snippet quotes, things like "new wave of confidence in the Welsh nation", "pop strike", and "token Welsh songs" in the lead alone. The overall effect is to make the article read too much like a compilation of the words of others. An example of an easy change from quote snippet to paraphrase occurs in the sentence, "Rhys has stated that many of the Mwng 's songs are highly personal reflections on what were a 'pretty heavy' few years for him." You might replace this with "Rhys has stated that many of Mwng 's songs are personal reflections on what were difficult years for him." The source supports both ways of saying this, and neither paraphrases the source too closely. So why use the quote snippet?
Origins and recording
"Rhys has also stated that Mwng was inspired by him simply "getting bored" of writing songs in English... " - The construction "by him getting" is a bit awkward. Maybe "inspired by his boredom with writing songs in English"? Or "Rhys has also stated that his boredom with writing songs in English inspired him to write Mwng"? Done Have changed - I prefer the latter suggestion.
"rather than being a celebration of Welsh culture" - Tighten by one word by deleting "being"? Done
""Sarn Helen" was recorded and engineered by keyboardist Cian Ciaran in his living room." - Change to active voice to avoid a string of passives; i.e., "Keyboardist Cian Ciaran recorded and engineered "Sarn Helen" in his living room"?
"Overdubs for all songs were added at Ofn with Owen, who also mixed the album at the studio along with the Super Furry Animals." - Active voice? Maybe "Working with the Super Furry Animals, Owen mixed the album at Ofn, and he added the overdubs for the songs"? My rule of thumb with the passive voice is to change to active when it's relatively easy to do so; e.g., "The cat scratched the dog" rather than "The dog was scratched by the cat".
Citation 25 lacks the publisher info, which seems to be cokemachineglow (CMG), and the date of most recent access.
The date of most recent access is there. I've chosen to add publication details only for print media per
WP:CITEHOW
I've changed some of the web cites, changing work to publisher so Done
In citation 29, "SUPER FURRY ANIMALS" should be changed to Wikipedia house style, "Super Furry Animals", even though the source uses all caps. Done
The image of Rhys would probably be better placed on the left so that he looks into the page.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at
WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page.
Finetooth (
talk)
03:25, 17 November 2010 (UTC)reply
Welsh language album was not "an explicitly political statement", the group did want to make a "stand against globalisation", railing -> Lead states that Ryhs felt it, not the group.
were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr. -> commas -> were recorded at Famous Studios in Cardiff, and were engineered by Greg Haver, while "Y Teimlad" was recorded at Real World Studios, Box, Wiltshire, and was engineered by Michael Brennan, Jr.