I'm thinking about renominating this at FAC and feel that the article has improved since its last review. I've attempted to remove all traces of original research and cleaned up the sources. I believe the content is all there, but I need comments/suggestions before I renominate.
Note: I intend to clean-up the reception section soon, as my writing standards have apparently improved since July 2014. JAGUAR23:04, 3 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Comments from Z105space
Here are a few points that I have to offer. I will leave the prose to more experienced editors in this field.
There should be a consistent date format to use with the references (British English and American English formats are used). You should only use one format.
#6 and #38 both an archive link which displays the message "Page cannot be crawled or displayed due to robots.txt." Is there any way to rectify this?
1UP is back up!? I never knew that! I think that's why it's rendering the archived versions useless, so the original links should now work JAGUAR22:06, 6 November 2015 (UTC)reply
@
Z105space: thank you very much for your comments! Every little helps. I think I've addressed everything. I vow that this article won't fail its next FAC, so I'll take no half measures. JAGUAR22:09, 6 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Comments from Rhain1999
I'll just point out anything that I see:
I'd probably link "camera" to
Virtual camera system, upon first use, but it's not a big deal.
The third Gameplay paragraph seems a little short; it could probably be merged with another paragraph, although I'm sure it's not a huge problem.
I'm aware that Plot sections don't always require references, but a lot of the Plot here seems to be telling the background of the story, as opposed to briefly re-telling the plot itself (which is in no way a bad thing, but I'd recommend sourcing it. Even a source to the game itself (à la The Last of Us, Grand Theft Auto V) should be suitable).
I'd personally change the full stop after "phases" (Development and release, paragraph 2) to a colon, but this is a personal opinion only; it's great as it is.
I'd personally link all of the publications (
IGN, Edge,
Future plc, etc.) and any applicable authors (
Greg Miller) in the references, although I think this is just personal preference.
For consistency, I'd avoid placing publications such as "IGN" or "Game Revolution" in the |author= field; just leave them for |work= or |publisher= instead.
Usually company corporate statuses, like "co., ltd.", are not included when talking about them, as they are not properly part of the company's name- "Exact Co., Ltd. and Ultra Co., Ltd." should therefore be "Exact and Ultra"
I agree, I thought leaving in the "co., ltd" made the article feel unnecessarily cluttered. I've removed all of them, except in the publisher field of a citation. JAGUAR15:26, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Since you referred to it as the "PlayStation console", you should also refer to the "Sharp X68000 home computer"
Just like the rest of the lead, the infobox doesn't usually require citations- maybe note the director, etc. in Development instead with that cite?
I've removed the citations from the infobox as I seem the obsolete due to the infobox not requiring citations (I was always led under the false impression that they had to). I can't see how relevant it would be to include the staff in the development section, but if someone brings that up at the FAC then I'll find a way JAGUAR20:59, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Consider collapsing the release dates in the infobox with a {{collapsible list}} template, since the box sticks down so far
"The player has the ability to shoot a low-powered beam where a target indicator is centred in the middle of the screen." - confusing. Maybe, "The player has the ability to shoot a low-powered beam at a target indicator, centred in the middle of the screen."
"Jumping Flash! is composed of six worlds with three levels each, totalling 18 main levels,[8] of which there are seven boss levels and an extra six bonus stages available." - so... are there 18 levels, or 18 + 6, or 18 + 13?
I see how this sounded confusing. Boss levels are the third levels of each world and bonus stages don't count as anything. I've rephrased JAGUAR20:59, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"In the main levels, the objective of the first two levels of each world" - this sentence is not saying what you mean, which is that the first two levels of each world are regular levels.
"Consequently, he also removes and hides the twelve Jet Pods that propel each world" - consequently makes no sense here, and you've only been talking about one planet, so what's "each world"?
I really think you need to talk a bit about the gameplay differences with the Sharp X68000 game; was it also a 3D platformer? It can't be, right, but you only say that they have almost the same gameplay
From gameplay videos I've seen they share the exact same traits and engine with Jumping Flash, apart from a few aesthetic designs. I've rephrased JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Jumping Flash! was among the first games of the platforming genre to be developed with full 3D technology" - in the lead you flatly state it was the first, why the hedging now?
This is risky. Guinness World Records states Jumping Flash is the first platform game in true 3D, and they're never wrong. Sure Geograph Seal is almost identical but I don't think anybody owned a Sharp X68000 as they were incredibly expensive. I've changed this sentence to "Jumping Flash! was considered the first game of the platforming genre to be developed with full 3D technology", though I'm sure this will raise some questions at the FAC. If so, I'll link back here and explain sources consider it "the first". JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Many of the tracks were included with tracks of its successor from the Jumping Flash! 2 Original Soundtrack" - uh, this sentence is trying to say two things simultaneously. Did you mean "Many of the tracks were included along with tracks from Jumping Flash! 2 in the Jumping Flash! 2 Original Soundtrack album"? Or did you mean that the tracks were reused in Jumping Flash! 2 itself, and also on the album?
Reception is laid out fine, though its usually preferred to arrange by topic (gameplay, graphics, etc.), not by publication.
I agree. The bulk of the section remains from what I wrote back last year, where my writing standards were a bit different. I'll see what I can do JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Game Revolution stated that the graphics "mind blowing" and the game itself "totally unique" " - either "stated that the graphics were "mind blowing" or "called the graphics "mind blowing""
In general, though that's the worst one, you seem to have a hesitancy to cut a review summary into multiple sentences- you don't need to cram everything the reviewer said into a single sentence if it gets awkward.
"one of the most important ancestors of any 3D platform game at the time" - so, it was an important ancestor at the time, but now isn't? Don't think that's how ancestors work, so some word choice is off here
"two sequels to Jumping Flash!, including one spin-off" - if the spinoff isn't one of the two, then it's not "included". "two sequels to Jumping Flash! and one spin-off game"
I'm not seeing the logic as to when you link the name of a work/publisher in the references and when you don't; you don't seem to be following either the "all the time" or "the first time" patterns. (or the "never" pattern)
Thanks for the comments,
PresN! I believe I've addressed all of your concerns. Not sure if I should send this to FAC tomorrow or wait a while. JAGUAR22:51, 18 November 2015 (UTC)reply
I'm thinking about renominating this at FAC and feel that the article has improved since its last review. I've attempted to remove all traces of original research and cleaned up the sources. I believe the content is all there, but I need comments/suggestions before I renominate.
Note: I intend to clean-up the reception section soon, as my writing standards have apparently improved since July 2014. JAGUAR23:04, 3 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Comments from Z105space
Here are a few points that I have to offer. I will leave the prose to more experienced editors in this field.
There should be a consistent date format to use with the references (British English and American English formats are used). You should only use one format.
#6 and #38 both an archive link which displays the message "Page cannot be crawled or displayed due to robots.txt." Is there any way to rectify this?
1UP is back up!? I never knew that! I think that's why it's rendering the archived versions useless, so the original links should now work JAGUAR22:06, 6 November 2015 (UTC)reply
@
Z105space: thank you very much for your comments! Every little helps. I think I've addressed everything. I vow that this article won't fail its next FAC, so I'll take no half measures. JAGUAR22:09, 6 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Comments from Rhain1999
I'll just point out anything that I see:
I'd probably link "camera" to
Virtual camera system, upon first use, but it's not a big deal.
The third Gameplay paragraph seems a little short; it could probably be merged with another paragraph, although I'm sure it's not a huge problem.
I'm aware that Plot sections don't always require references, but a lot of the Plot here seems to be telling the background of the story, as opposed to briefly re-telling the plot itself (which is in no way a bad thing, but I'd recommend sourcing it. Even a source to the game itself (à la The Last of Us, Grand Theft Auto V) should be suitable).
I'd personally change the full stop after "phases" (Development and release, paragraph 2) to a colon, but this is a personal opinion only; it's great as it is.
I'd personally link all of the publications (
IGN, Edge,
Future plc, etc.) and any applicable authors (
Greg Miller) in the references, although I think this is just personal preference.
For consistency, I'd avoid placing publications such as "IGN" or "Game Revolution" in the |author= field; just leave them for |work= or |publisher= instead.
Usually company corporate statuses, like "co., ltd.", are not included when talking about them, as they are not properly part of the company's name- "Exact Co., Ltd. and Ultra Co., Ltd." should therefore be "Exact and Ultra"
I agree, I thought leaving in the "co., ltd" made the article feel unnecessarily cluttered. I've removed all of them, except in the publisher field of a citation. JAGUAR15:26, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Since you referred to it as the "PlayStation console", you should also refer to the "Sharp X68000 home computer"
Just like the rest of the lead, the infobox doesn't usually require citations- maybe note the director, etc. in Development instead with that cite?
I've removed the citations from the infobox as I seem the obsolete due to the infobox not requiring citations (I was always led under the false impression that they had to). I can't see how relevant it would be to include the staff in the development section, but if someone brings that up at the FAC then I'll find a way JAGUAR20:59, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
Consider collapsing the release dates in the infobox with a {{collapsible list}} template, since the box sticks down so far
"The player has the ability to shoot a low-powered beam where a target indicator is centred in the middle of the screen." - confusing. Maybe, "The player has the ability to shoot a low-powered beam at a target indicator, centred in the middle of the screen."
"Jumping Flash! is composed of six worlds with three levels each, totalling 18 main levels,[8] of which there are seven boss levels and an extra six bonus stages available." - so... are there 18 levels, or 18 + 6, or 18 + 13?
I see how this sounded confusing. Boss levels are the third levels of each world and bonus stages don't count as anything. I've rephrased JAGUAR20:59, 16 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"In the main levels, the objective of the first two levels of each world" - this sentence is not saying what you mean, which is that the first two levels of each world are regular levels.
"Consequently, he also removes and hides the twelve Jet Pods that propel each world" - consequently makes no sense here, and you've only been talking about one planet, so what's "each world"?
I really think you need to talk a bit about the gameplay differences with the Sharp X68000 game; was it also a 3D platformer? It can't be, right, but you only say that they have almost the same gameplay
From gameplay videos I've seen they share the exact same traits and engine with Jumping Flash, apart from a few aesthetic designs. I've rephrased JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Jumping Flash! was among the first games of the platforming genre to be developed with full 3D technology" - in the lead you flatly state it was the first, why the hedging now?
This is risky. Guinness World Records states Jumping Flash is the first platform game in true 3D, and they're never wrong. Sure Geograph Seal is almost identical but I don't think anybody owned a Sharp X68000 as they were incredibly expensive. I've changed this sentence to "Jumping Flash! was considered the first game of the platforming genre to be developed with full 3D technology", though I'm sure this will raise some questions at the FAC. If so, I'll link back here and explain sources consider it "the first". JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Many of the tracks were included with tracks of its successor from the Jumping Flash! 2 Original Soundtrack" - uh, this sentence is trying to say two things simultaneously. Did you mean "Many of the tracks were included along with tracks from Jumping Flash! 2 in the Jumping Flash! 2 Original Soundtrack album"? Or did you mean that the tracks were reused in Jumping Flash! 2 itself, and also on the album?
Reception is laid out fine, though its usually preferred to arrange by topic (gameplay, graphics, etc.), not by publication.
I agree. The bulk of the section remains from what I wrote back last year, where my writing standards were a bit different. I'll see what I can do JAGUAR13:39, 17 November 2015 (UTC)reply
"Game Revolution stated that the graphics "mind blowing" and the game itself "totally unique" " - either "stated that the graphics were "mind blowing" or "called the graphics "mind blowing""
In general, though that's the worst one, you seem to have a hesitancy to cut a review summary into multiple sentences- you don't need to cram everything the reviewer said into a single sentence if it gets awkward.
"one of the most important ancestors of any 3D platform game at the time" - so, it was an important ancestor at the time, but now isn't? Don't think that's how ancestors work, so some word choice is off here
"two sequels to Jumping Flash!, including one spin-off" - if the spinoff isn't one of the two, then it's not "included". "two sequels to Jumping Flash! and one spin-off game"
I'm not seeing the logic as to when you link the name of a work/publisher in the references and when you don't; you don't seem to be following either the "all the time" or "the first time" patterns. (or the "never" pattern)
Thanks for the comments,
PresN! I believe I've addressed all of your concerns. Not sure if I should send this to FAC tomorrow or wait a while. JAGUAR22:51, 18 November 2015 (UTC)reply