This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want comments prior to sending this
here.
Hurricane Kathleen was unusual. It formed where most
Pacific hurricanes, but raced north, and made landfall in Mexico as a tropical storm. It then produced major flooding across south and central
California, especially in
Ocotillo. 10 people died, including 1 in
Arizona and 2 indirect deaths. Damage total is $160 million.
"Hurricane Kathleen was a hurricane of the 1976 Pacific hurricane season". Three "hurricanes" in the first ten words. Try to rephrase with a little less repetition
The observation: "It also took an unusual path" is isolated. You need to give a brief indication of why the path was unusual, or withdraw the remark from the lead. See
WP:LEAD: "Do not hint at startling facts without describing them."
You have both "ninth" and "9th"
Removed. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
"Kathleen finally dissipated late on the September 11." ?
Yeah. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
Combine these two short sentences: "Flooding caused catastrophic destruction to Ocotillo, California. Six people drowned in that city."
"Hurricane Kathleen's survival to such a northerly location was contributed to by a variety of factors." Revise this rather clumsy phrasing by turning the sentence: "A variety of factors contributed to Hurricane Kathleen's survival at such a northerly location."
"Over 83 °F (28 °C) sea surface temperatures, Kathleen quickly strengthened." Awkwardly worded; "over" in he sense of "more than", or in the sense of "moving above"?
"The hurricane passed near several ships, and was respectively intercepted by Hurricane Hunters early on September 10." What does "respectively intercepted" mean? You should also identify "Hurricane Hunters" as aircraft.
"Skinny, Tropical Storm Kathleen weakened into a depression over southern California and shortly thereafter, moved across Death Valley." I don't understand the word "skinny" in this sentence.
"After undergoing a Fujiwhara-like interaction..." You should not force your readers to use links and read other articles to understand what you're talking about. Some brief explanation of this interaction is necessary within thus text.
"Record flood stage was attained at numerous streams near the Coachella Valley" Awkward use of passive voice. Better: "Numerous streams near the Coachella Valley attained record flood levels" ("stage" is surely the wrong word)
The final sentence "Parts of California were declared a disaster area" looks tagged on as an afterthought and would be better located earlier in the section.
It is aftermath. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
Wyoming and Montana
In Wyoming, the cyclone is credited with the first known sighting of a White Ibis in the state's history." A little context is required for this rather odd sentence.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want comments prior to sending this
here.
Hurricane Kathleen was unusual. It formed where most
Pacific hurricanes, but raced north, and made landfall in Mexico as a tropical storm. It then produced major flooding across south and central
California, especially in
Ocotillo. 10 people died, including 1 in
Arizona and 2 indirect deaths. Damage total is $160 million.
"Hurricane Kathleen was a hurricane of the 1976 Pacific hurricane season". Three "hurricanes" in the first ten words. Try to rephrase with a little less repetition
The observation: "It also took an unusual path" is isolated. You need to give a brief indication of why the path was unusual, or withdraw the remark from the lead. See
WP:LEAD: "Do not hint at startling facts without describing them."
You have both "ninth" and "9th"
Removed. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
"Kathleen finally dissipated late on the September 11." ?
Yeah. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
Combine these two short sentences: "Flooding caused catastrophic destruction to Ocotillo, California. Six people drowned in that city."
"Hurricane Kathleen's survival to such a northerly location was contributed to by a variety of factors." Revise this rather clumsy phrasing by turning the sentence: "A variety of factors contributed to Hurricane Kathleen's survival at such a northerly location."
"Over 83 °F (28 °C) sea surface temperatures, Kathleen quickly strengthened." Awkwardly worded; "over" in he sense of "more than", or in the sense of "moving above"?
"The hurricane passed near several ships, and was respectively intercepted by Hurricane Hunters early on September 10." What does "respectively intercepted" mean? You should also identify "Hurricane Hunters" as aircraft.
"Skinny, Tropical Storm Kathleen weakened into a depression over southern California and shortly thereafter, moved across Death Valley." I don't understand the word "skinny" in this sentence.
"After undergoing a Fujiwhara-like interaction..." You should not force your readers to use links and read other articles to understand what you're talking about. Some brief explanation of this interaction is necessary within thus text.
"Record flood stage was attained at numerous streams near the Coachella Valley" Awkward use of passive voice. Better: "Numerous streams near the Coachella Valley attained record flood levels" ("stage" is surely the wrong word)
The final sentence "Parts of California were declared a disaster area" looks tagged on as an afterthought and would be better located earlier in the section.
It is aftermath. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
Wyoming and Montana
In Wyoming, the cyclone is credited with the first known sighting of a White Ibis in the state's history." A little context is required for this rather odd sentence.