This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm planning on taking it to
WP:FAC (if it's good enough) and I'd like to get some second opinions and comments before then. Thanks, Theleftorium15:49, 29 October 2009 (UTC)reply
Brianboulton comments: A most interesting story, quite new to me. A couple of general points:
"Bågenholm woke up paralyzed from the neck down on 30 May 1999, and recovered in an intensive care unit for two months..." No need to repeat the year, and "woke up" can be simply "woke". The end of the sentence is awkward. A more streamlined phrasing for the whole sentence might be: "Bågenholm woke on 30 May, paralyzed from the neck down; she subsequently spent two months recovering in an intensive care unit."
"she still suffers" and "is currently working" are time-specific statements which should be dated, e.g. "Although she has made an almost full recovery from the incident, late in 2009 she was still suffering..." etc. And: "at the end of 2009 Bågenholm was working..." etc
"Bågenholm is an expert skier and usually skied after work." Awkward mixture of tenses, and again, time-specific. Suggest: "An expert skier,[5] Bågenholm usually skied after work" - perhaps "usually" should be "often"?
"When Bågenholm struggled in the cold water, she found ..." Needs small revision, e.g. "As Bågenholm first struggled in the cold water, she found..." etc
Idiomatic English is "operating theatre", not "operating room". However, I'm slightly worried about the large number of doctors (more then a hundred) that apparently got into the theatre in the time indicated. How could such a huge number of medical staff be involved in a single case at the same time, however unusual?
...."she had to recover in an intensive care unit for two more months. After twenty-eight days, she was flown to Sweden in an ambulance helicopter for the remainder of her recovery..." Can you clarify - was she flown to Sweden in the middle of her two months of extensive care?
"As of October 2009, Bågenholm has made an almost full recovery, although minor nerve damage in her hands and feet remains.[8] She is now working as a radiologist at the hospital where her life was saved." Same problem of time-specificity as in the lead. Encyclopedias, unlike magazine articles, are long-term accounts which can't be tied down to the here and now. Suggested rephrasing: "As of October 2009 Bågenholm was working as a radiologist at the hospital where her life was saved, having made an almost full recovery although minor nerve damage in her hands and feet remains."
I'd say that with the necessary polishing, this article has every chance of making it as a featured article. I am not watching my peer reviews at the moment, but if you want me to look at it again, please contact me via my talk page.
Brianboulton (
talk)
00:54, 8 November 2009 (UTC)reply
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm planning on taking it to
WP:FAC (if it's good enough) and I'd like to get some second opinions and comments before then. Thanks, Theleftorium15:49, 29 October 2009 (UTC)reply
Brianboulton comments: A most interesting story, quite new to me. A couple of general points:
"Bågenholm woke up paralyzed from the neck down on 30 May 1999, and recovered in an intensive care unit for two months..." No need to repeat the year, and "woke up" can be simply "woke". The end of the sentence is awkward. A more streamlined phrasing for the whole sentence might be: "Bågenholm woke on 30 May, paralyzed from the neck down; she subsequently spent two months recovering in an intensive care unit."
"she still suffers" and "is currently working" are time-specific statements which should be dated, e.g. "Although she has made an almost full recovery from the incident, late in 2009 she was still suffering..." etc. And: "at the end of 2009 Bågenholm was working..." etc
"Bågenholm is an expert skier and usually skied after work." Awkward mixture of tenses, and again, time-specific. Suggest: "An expert skier,[5] Bågenholm usually skied after work" - perhaps "usually" should be "often"?
"When Bågenholm struggled in the cold water, she found ..." Needs small revision, e.g. "As Bågenholm first struggled in the cold water, she found..." etc
Idiomatic English is "operating theatre", not "operating room". However, I'm slightly worried about the large number of doctors (more then a hundred) that apparently got into the theatre in the time indicated. How could such a huge number of medical staff be involved in a single case at the same time, however unusual?
...."she had to recover in an intensive care unit for two more months. After twenty-eight days, she was flown to Sweden in an ambulance helicopter for the remainder of her recovery..." Can you clarify - was she flown to Sweden in the middle of her two months of extensive care?
"As of October 2009, Bågenholm has made an almost full recovery, although minor nerve damage in her hands and feet remains.[8] She is now working as a radiologist at the hospital where her life was saved." Same problem of time-specificity as in the lead. Encyclopedias, unlike magazine articles, are long-term accounts which can't be tied down to the here and now. Suggested rephrasing: "As of October 2009 Bågenholm was working as a radiologist at the hospital where her life was saved, having made an almost full recovery although minor nerve damage in her hands and feet remains."
I'd say that with the necessary polishing, this article has every chance of making it as a featured article. I am not watching my peer reviews at the moment, but if you want me to look at it again, please contact me via my talk page.
Brianboulton (
talk)
00:54, 8 November 2009 (UTC)reply