A script has been used to generate a semi-
automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and
house style; it can be found on the
automated peer review page for August 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I think it can become a
featured article. It is similar to the
1995 Japanese Grand Prix article, which recently became an FA. Thanks,
D.M.N. (
talk) 13:38, 20 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Comments
I'd consider merging the first two sentences since the second is a little stilted.
Not sure how I'd be able to merge it without losing the flow of it.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"race" gets four mentions in the first para of the lead, a bit too much.
Removed one of the mentions - changed a part too: "David Coulthard, who started the Grand Prix from pole position,..."
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
" Hill, as a result, ..." = "As a result, Hill..."
"with Schumacher dropped down to fifth" - "dropping" or "and Schumacher dropped..."
Changed to "and Schumacher dropped..."
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops, allowing him, on a new set of slick tyres to close on Coulthard, who was on a two stop strategy." - this sentence needs work. A few too many clauses and commas for good reading.
The only feasable option, I think, is to split it into two sentences. It now reads: "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops. This allowed him, on a new set of slick tyres, to close on Coulthard who was on a two stop strategy." - I've also changed the comma positions.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"to open a margin between the two of 21 seconds" - at what point? at the very end? So maybe "to win by a margin of 21 seconds?"
I've changed it to: "Schumacher opened up a gap between the two of 21 seconds by lapping two seconds a lap faster than Coulthard, so that when his third stop came, he was still leading the race." -
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Reconfirm it was the 1995 Drivers Champion in that last line in the lead.
I wouldn't link "third round of the season" - instead I'd say "third round of the
1995 season
OK. Changed positioning of link.
"Only a maximum of 30 points were available for the remaining three races, which meant that Hill could still win the title." - why Only? If Hill could still win there's no real need for the Only there.
"third, fourth and fifth places were covered by three points:" not sure this is needed - the subsequent facts spell it out.
Agreed and removed.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"In the two weeks leading up to the race, there was heavy criticism towards, Damon Hill," -I think you need only one comma, the one after Hill.
Correct. Removed.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Brundle's quote doesn't have quote marks or anything around it so it looks a little odd because the infobox and image squeeze it in - it appears as a normal paragraph rather than a quote.
Try and edit that section, and you'll see it's a quote. I have no idea why it's showing up like that.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"title—rival" - no em-dash here, just a hyphen.
Done (I think).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
You use FIA as an abbreviation before abbreviating it.
"commenting on wasting a new set of" - wasting seems a little POV?
Good point. Changed to "commenting on using a new set of".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"from the dirty side of the track." - dirty side probably needs explanation for non-experts (I take it you mean the side opposite to the racing line?)
I've added a bit in brackets to explain. It now reads: " from the dirty side of the track (the side of the track that is opposite to the racing line)".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"only two positions behind team-mate Blundell" - two places?
Yep - same thing. Changed anyhow.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
" 21 degrees celsius" - use the {{convert}} template for Imperial-ists...
Done (I think I've implemented it correctly).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"Coulthard converted his pole position to lead into " - pole position is lead so it wasn't converted. Perhaps you need to emphasise that he held his position at the front of the race?
I'm thinking something along the lines of "Coulthard, from his pole position slot on the grid, maintained his position at the front to lead into...." - Does that sound any better (note: I haven't yet put it into the article).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Maybe something like "Coulthard, from pole position on the grid, held onto the lead into..."? more concise but captures everything you're saying?
The Rambling Man (
talk) 17:17, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Yeah, that sounds better. Reworded to your suggestion. ;)
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:25, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"were baulked by the " I'm not sure what you mean by this?
Changed to "held up".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Don't link Benetton in Benetton pitcrew - the section of the article you link to isn't specific.
The tables aren't sortable so I'm wondering if you need to relink repeats (like Williams, Renault etc).
Um. As it's the same sort of information, I guess there's a valid argument to remove the links in the race table per
WP:OVERLINK. Do you think I should remove them? I'm leaning towards removing them.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
I don't see a need to embolden the top six finishers - they have points in the points column so it should be obvious. If you leave it like that then you ought to have a key.
I've removed the unneccessary bold.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Any reason why Lap is capitalised in the second table?
Nope. Uncapitalised.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Probably worth explaining to a non-expert what the Pos, No etc means.
TBH, I really think that is self-explanatory.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
No need to bold Schuey or Benetton in the Standings section. It's obvious they're top. Because they're at the top!
Removed bold.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
I may have missed it but did you mention this was the last running of the Pacific GP?
Comments - My peer-reviewing services were requested on my talk page, so I've come to offer some pre-FAC advice. Hopefully this won't take as long as the last one.
Couple of problems with the lead: It serves as a race recap only and could summarize the whole article better. The pre-race, qualifying and post-race sections aren't represented at all. Also, the one-sentence paragraph at the end of the lead could be moved to the end of the first paragraph.
I've rejiged it a little bit, but I don't want to go into too much detail. I don't want to represent the pre-race and qualifying too much there, as the main attention of the article is quite rightly the race.
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Background: "Schumacher would be more than twenty points ahead of Hill with two races remaining." Should be 20, to match the others numbers nearby.
"However, the Formula One's governing body, the FIA emphasised..." I think this would be tighter writing: "However, Formula One's governing body emphasised..." The last word is British English, correct?
Yeah. I've changed it to your version, seeing as how "the FIA" is mentioned a few lines earlier.
Practice and qualifying: Move the link for slick tyres up one line.
"Irvine was heading for eighth place, but made an unsecheduled pit stop..." I'm pretty sure this isn't British English.
Sounds OK to me. The only thing that I've changed was a typo for "unscheduled".
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Might be going into original research territory with this one, but how rare is it for a driver to come back from fifth to win a race? I don't know much about Formula One, but from what I've watched there is never much passing. Could be an interesting angle for the article.
It's not very rare for that particular season, mostly down to luck depending on which of the main runners retires from the race - in this case, it was a good strategic move to get Schumacher ahead.
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Hope this helps. The lead should be your primary concern, but overall it's in good shape. I actually think you have an advantage with this as compared to the other article, because this race sounds more exciting, giving you plenty to write about. Giants2008 (
17-14) 22:30, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.
Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 22:46, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
Did I? I can't recall making a note asking for a sources peer review. Anyway, thanks!
D.M.N. (
talk) 07:39, 23 August 2008 (UTC)reply
A script has been used to generate a semi-
automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and
house style; it can be found on the
automated peer review page for August 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I think it can become a
featured article. It is similar to the
1995 Japanese Grand Prix article, which recently became an FA. Thanks,
D.M.N. (
talk) 13:38, 20 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Comments
I'd consider merging the first two sentences since the second is a little stilted.
Not sure how I'd be able to merge it without losing the flow of it.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"race" gets four mentions in the first para of the lead, a bit too much.
Removed one of the mentions - changed a part too: "David Coulthard, who started the Grand Prix from pole position,..."
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
" Hill, as a result, ..." = "As a result, Hill..."
"with Schumacher dropped down to fifth" - "dropping" or "and Schumacher dropped..."
Changed to "and Schumacher dropped..."
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops, allowing him, on a new set of slick tyres to close on Coulthard, who was on a two stop strategy." - this sentence needs work. A few too many clauses and commas for good reading.
The only feasable option, I think, is to split it into two sentences. It now reads: "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops. This allowed him, on a new set of slick tyres, to close on Coulthard who was on a two stop strategy." - I've also changed the comma positions.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"to open a margin between the two of 21 seconds" - at what point? at the very end? So maybe "to win by a margin of 21 seconds?"
I've changed it to: "Schumacher opened up a gap between the two of 21 seconds by lapping two seconds a lap faster than Coulthard, so that when his third stop came, he was still leading the race." -
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Reconfirm it was the 1995 Drivers Champion in that last line in the lead.
I wouldn't link "third round of the season" - instead I'd say "third round of the
1995 season
OK. Changed positioning of link.
"Only a maximum of 30 points were available for the remaining three races, which meant that Hill could still win the title." - why Only? If Hill could still win there's no real need for the Only there.
"third, fourth and fifth places were covered by three points:" not sure this is needed - the subsequent facts spell it out.
Agreed and removed.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"In the two weeks leading up to the race, there was heavy criticism towards, Damon Hill," -I think you need only one comma, the one after Hill.
Correct. Removed.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Brundle's quote doesn't have quote marks or anything around it so it looks a little odd because the infobox and image squeeze it in - it appears as a normal paragraph rather than a quote.
Try and edit that section, and you'll see it's a quote. I have no idea why it's showing up like that.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"title—rival" - no em-dash here, just a hyphen.
Done (I think).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
You use FIA as an abbreviation before abbreviating it.
"commenting on wasting a new set of" - wasting seems a little POV?
Good point. Changed to "commenting on using a new set of".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"from the dirty side of the track." - dirty side probably needs explanation for non-experts (I take it you mean the side opposite to the racing line?)
I've added a bit in brackets to explain. It now reads: " from the dirty side of the track (the side of the track that is opposite to the racing line)".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"only two positions behind team-mate Blundell" - two places?
Yep - same thing. Changed anyhow.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
" 21 degrees celsius" - use the {{convert}} template for Imperial-ists...
Done (I think I've implemented it correctly).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"Coulthard converted his pole position to lead into " - pole position is lead so it wasn't converted. Perhaps you need to emphasise that he held his position at the front of the race?
I'm thinking something along the lines of "Coulthard, from his pole position slot on the grid, maintained his position at the front to lead into...." - Does that sound any better (note: I haven't yet put it into the article).
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Maybe something like "Coulthard, from pole position on the grid, held onto the lead into..."? more concise but captures everything you're saying?
The Rambling Man (
talk) 17:17, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Yeah, that sounds better. Reworded to your suggestion. ;)
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:25, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
"were baulked by the " I'm not sure what you mean by this?
Changed to "held up".
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Don't link Benetton in Benetton pitcrew - the section of the article you link to isn't specific.
The tables aren't sortable so I'm wondering if you need to relink repeats (like Williams, Renault etc).
Um. As it's the same sort of information, I guess there's a valid argument to remove the links in the race table per
WP:OVERLINK. Do you think I should remove them? I'm leaning towards removing them.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
I don't see a need to embolden the top six finishers - they have points in the points column so it should be obvious. If you leave it like that then you ought to have a key.
I've removed the unneccessary bold.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Any reason why Lap is capitalised in the second table?
Nope. Uncapitalised.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Probably worth explaining to a non-expert what the Pos, No etc means.
TBH, I really think that is self-explanatory.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
No need to bold Schuey or Benetton in the Standings section. It's obvious they're top. Because they're at the top!
Removed bold.
D.M.N. (
talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
I may have missed it but did you mention this was the last running of the Pacific GP?
Comments - My peer-reviewing services were requested on my talk page, so I've come to offer some pre-FAC advice. Hopefully this won't take as long as the last one.
Couple of problems with the lead: It serves as a race recap only and could summarize the whole article better. The pre-race, qualifying and post-race sections aren't represented at all. Also, the one-sentence paragraph at the end of the lead could be moved to the end of the first paragraph.
I've rejiged it a little bit, but I don't want to go into too much detail. I don't want to represent the pre-race and qualifying too much there, as the main attention of the article is quite rightly the race.
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Background: "Schumacher would be more than twenty points ahead of Hill with two races remaining." Should be 20, to match the others numbers nearby.
"However, the Formula One's governing body, the FIA emphasised..." I think this would be tighter writing: "However, Formula One's governing body emphasised..." The last word is British English, correct?
Yeah. I've changed it to your version, seeing as how "the FIA" is mentioned a few lines earlier.
Practice and qualifying: Move the link for slick tyres up one line.
"Irvine was heading for eighth place, but made an unsecheduled pit stop..." I'm pretty sure this isn't British English.
Sounds OK to me. The only thing that I've changed was a typo for "unscheduled".
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Might be going into original research territory with this one, but how rare is it for a driver to come back from fifth to win a race? I don't know much about Formula One, but from what I've watched there is never much passing. Could be an interesting angle for the article.
It's not very rare for that particular season, mostly down to luck depending on which of the main runners retires from the race - in this case, it was a good strategic move to get Schumacher ahead.
D.M.N. (
talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)reply
Hope this helps. The lead should be your primary concern, but overall it's in good shape. I actually think you have an advantage with this as compared to the other article, because this race sounds more exciting, giving you plenty to write about. Giants2008 (
17-14) 22:30, 21 August 2008 (UTC)reply
You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.
Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 22:46, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
Did I? I can't recall making a note asking for a sources peer review. Anyway, thanks!
D.M.N. (
talk) 07:39, 23 August 2008 (UTC)reply