The article was archived by Ian Rose via FACBot ( talk) 8 August 2021 [1].
This article is about the 2004 Puzzle video game developed by Q Entertainment. I'm willing to address any situation in order to get it to Featured status. I'm hoping that everything can be addressed. Blue Pumpkin Pie ( talk) 17:54, 21 July 2021 (UTC)
Addressed comments
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I love video games so I am very happy to see an article on one in the FAC space. I am not particularly experienced with video game articles (and there are much more qualified editors in that field), but I want to at least try my best to help you with this FAC. My comments are below:
I hope that my comments are helpful so far. I have read up to the "Release" section. I do not see any major issues. I find the prose to be very engaging and it is really great that you were able to find so much information on the development as I honestly would not have expected that much from a puzzle game like this. Let me know if you have any questions. I will read through more of the article tomorrow and add more comments then. Apologies for doing this piecemeal. I just want to make sure I do a thorough review. Best of luck with the FAC! Aoba47 ( talk) 19:21, 21 July 2021 (UTC)
This should be the rest of my review. I will re-read through the article once all my above comments are addressed to make sure I did not miss anything. Have a great rest of your week! Aoba47 ( talk) 20:20, 22 July 2021 (UTC) I think the reception section is one of my weakest points. But if you see anything that could improve it, let me know. Blue Pumpkin Pie ( talk) 18:49, 23 July 2021 (UTC)
Apologies for adding to the review. I just wanted to bring up two points about the citations. Other than that, this is my full review and once everything has been addressed above, I will be more than happy to support based on the prose. Aoba47 ( talk) 04:20, 24 July 2021 (UTC)
Below are some specific examples that could use further improvement. I appreciate that you put in more sentence variation, but unfortunately, I do not think this section reads particularly well. Here are some examples:
Unfortunately, I think the prose in the "Reception" section falls short of FA quality, and it would benefit from a comprehensive copy-edit. The rest of the article is very well-written, but after re-reading this section in particular, I still have issues with the prose. I will not oppose this FAC, but I will stop my review here and hopefully other editors will discuss this further. This may just come down to my inexperience with video game articles. Apologies for ending my review here. Best of luck with this FAC. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:38, 26 July 2021 (UTC) |
Eurogamer thought the audio was superior, it is not clear what Eurogamer is comparing the audio to. They are saying it is superior to something, but what is that something.
did not consider the missing tracks a complete lossand
did not find the game fun at all, seems too informal for a Wikipedia article and I would revise them.
comparing the rumble feature to Rez's trance vibrator, does not really make sense to me. It assumes that the reader already knows about Rez, to the point of knowing what a "trance vibrator" is, and I have not played or heard of the game before so this part needs further context for unfamiliar readers like myself.
The writing quality is just not there. In the lead alone, I found these issues:
As players progress through the game, it transitions between skins, affecting the colors and music.- What transitions between skins? I'm not sure what this means
debut work- not really a "debut" because he already was known for his work at Sega. Not the right word to use. This sentence makes it sound like he did grunt work at Sega, which is not true.
Mizuguchi originally wanted to create a Tetris game with music but due to licensing issues, he was unable to and instead created Lumines. Originally, Mizuguchi wanted to make a music-heavy Tetris game, but licensing issues meant this was not possible, leading him to create a new concept for Lumines.- You repeated the (almost) same sentence twice.
Mizuguchi was inspired by the PSP, one of the few handhelds on the market that had a headphone jack.- Inspired in what sense? Inspired to develop for it? Did he already pick out the system, and the headphone jack inspired the game design?
After listening to one of Mondo Grosso's songs, Mizuguchi requested multiple of them to be included in the game and sequenced into a theme of a night-long party.- When I read this, I was lead to believe that Mondo Grosso's music was a significant part of the game. But, he only contributed 4 tracks, he is only mentioned once in the article, and he is not listed as the composer. Not sure why this is in the lead.
Multiple ports were released including for- the phrasing released including for sounds unnatural, I don't think "including" is needed
The game was praised for integrating gameplay and music, and for its addictive gameplay.Repitition of the word 'gameplay'
The ports received less praise than the original: the mobile phone...I don't think that's a correct use of a colon
The remastered version was received positivelyThe phrasing 'received positively' feels unnatural
becoming the first entry of a series.It sounds ominous to not give the name of the series, even though it's the same name as the game.
There are many other issues with the writing across the article. Just from skimming around:
Lumines: Puzzle Fusion became the first game in a series, as it was followed by several sequels.- So since it was followed by several sequels, only then, it became the first game in the series?
It was released digitally on Xbox 360 via Xbox Live and began distribution- Games don't "begin distribution", publishers or distributors do. Games are the ones being distributed.
A physical double LP version was made available for also for- for also for
Due to the constraints of the PSP's sound systemWhat is meant by "constraints" and "sound system"? Are you talking about the speakers? Are you talking about the system's drivers to process sounds through a game engine? What is constraining about it? Lack of tracks? You can definitely play MP3s on the PSP so there is no shortage of what is possible in terms of musical variety.
Takayuki Nakamura composed music and Katsumi Yokota worked on music and graphics.- this reads pretty weak and is not engaging, especially since two of them worked on music and that was the best wording you could muster up here. "worked on" is vague. I don't know the specifics of what they contributed, but something like this would be better, for example: "Takayuki Nakamura composed the music with assistance from amateur musician Katsumi Yokota." This properly establishes who was in charge and Yokota's naivety. Since you don't talk about the graphics until later, mention that Yokota did the graphics at that point, perhaps. Thesauruses are your friend.
The music was developed with the ability to be changed by the gameplay.This is just such a...empty sentence that doesn't tell me anything. Well first, music is not developed, it is written/composed. That is, unless you are talking about the programming of how the music tracks are handled? Hmmmm, not sure what you are trying to say. How does the music music change exactly? In gameplay, you just mentioned tempo changes, but in the next sentence you seem to imply that tracks can come in and out? I believe what you are trying to say around here is something like this --> "He carefully considered his composition methods, as dynamic gameplay changes would trigger tempo shifts or muting of individual audio channels."
Yokota experimented with musical rhythms that matched the speed of the game's timeline bar.We've already established that it's music and Yokota we are talking about. Is "timeline" one word or two? You are not consistent across the article. "Synchronized" is better word than "matched". --> "He experimented with rhythms that synchronized with the time line bar's movement across the screen."
Puzzle mode challenges players to create pictures using blocks In Versus mode
Looking at the FA criteria the article seems to meet everything but 1.a. (well-written: its prose is engaging and of a professional standard). It's not engaging, and doesn't feel professional. Looking at how many fixes were already implemented above, and seeing as I'm still finding silly mistakes, I'm a little concerned. Did this get a peer review before nominated for FA? Did it get a copy edit from the GOCE? I'm not seeing on the talk page that it got either. The problems I identified above are just examples; I am not asking for these fixes to be implemented now because I think there is much more work needed. I think this is pretty far off from FA. TarkusAB talk/ contrib 12:41, 6 August 2021 (UTC)
Sorry Blue Pumpkin Pie, I appreciate the huge amount of work you have put into this, but the prose is a long way from 1a. I think that this is best withdrawn to work on this aspect - there is, IMO, more needed in this area than should be done during a FAC. @ FAC coordinators: in the view of my comments and those of other reviewers you may wish to consider archiving this anyway to be brought up to standard off-FAC with a view to a re-nomination. Gog the Mild ( talk) 13:44, 7 August 2021 (UTC)
The article was archived by Ian Rose via FACBot ( talk) 8 August 2021 [1].
This article is about the 2004 Puzzle video game developed by Q Entertainment. I'm willing to address any situation in order to get it to Featured status. I'm hoping that everything can be addressed. Blue Pumpkin Pie ( talk) 17:54, 21 July 2021 (UTC)
Addressed comments
|
---|
I love video games so I am very happy to see an article on one in the FAC space. I am not particularly experienced with video game articles (and there are much more qualified editors in that field), but I want to at least try my best to help you with this FAC. My comments are below:
I hope that my comments are helpful so far. I have read up to the "Release" section. I do not see any major issues. I find the prose to be very engaging and it is really great that you were able to find so much information on the development as I honestly would not have expected that much from a puzzle game like this. Let me know if you have any questions. I will read through more of the article tomorrow and add more comments then. Apologies for doing this piecemeal. I just want to make sure I do a thorough review. Best of luck with the FAC! Aoba47 ( talk) 19:21, 21 July 2021 (UTC)
This should be the rest of my review. I will re-read through the article once all my above comments are addressed to make sure I did not miss anything. Have a great rest of your week! Aoba47 ( talk) 20:20, 22 July 2021 (UTC) I think the reception section is one of my weakest points. But if you see anything that could improve it, let me know. Blue Pumpkin Pie ( talk) 18:49, 23 July 2021 (UTC)
Apologies for adding to the review. I just wanted to bring up two points about the citations. Other than that, this is my full review and once everything has been addressed above, I will be more than happy to support based on the prose. Aoba47 ( talk) 04:20, 24 July 2021 (UTC)
Below are some specific examples that could use further improvement. I appreciate that you put in more sentence variation, but unfortunately, I do not think this section reads particularly well. Here are some examples:
Unfortunately, I think the prose in the "Reception" section falls short of FA quality, and it would benefit from a comprehensive copy-edit. The rest of the article is very well-written, but after re-reading this section in particular, I still have issues with the prose. I will not oppose this FAC, but I will stop my review here and hopefully other editors will discuss this further. This may just come down to my inexperience with video game articles. Apologies for ending my review here. Best of luck with this FAC. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:38, 26 July 2021 (UTC) |
Eurogamer thought the audio was superior, it is not clear what Eurogamer is comparing the audio to. They are saying it is superior to something, but what is that something.
did not consider the missing tracks a complete lossand
did not find the game fun at all, seems too informal for a Wikipedia article and I would revise them.
comparing the rumble feature to Rez's trance vibrator, does not really make sense to me. It assumes that the reader already knows about Rez, to the point of knowing what a "trance vibrator" is, and I have not played or heard of the game before so this part needs further context for unfamiliar readers like myself.
The writing quality is just not there. In the lead alone, I found these issues:
As players progress through the game, it transitions between skins, affecting the colors and music.- What transitions between skins? I'm not sure what this means
debut work- not really a "debut" because he already was known for his work at Sega. Not the right word to use. This sentence makes it sound like he did grunt work at Sega, which is not true.
Mizuguchi originally wanted to create a Tetris game with music but due to licensing issues, he was unable to and instead created Lumines. Originally, Mizuguchi wanted to make a music-heavy Tetris game, but licensing issues meant this was not possible, leading him to create a new concept for Lumines.- You repeated the (almost) same sentence twice.
Mizuguchi was inspired by the PSP, one of the few handhelds on the market that had a headphone jack.- Inspired in what sense? Inspired to develop for it? Did he already pick out the system, and the headphone jack inspired the game design?
After listening to one of Mondo Grosso's songs, Mizuguchi requested multiple of them to be included in the game and sequenced into a theme of a night-long party.- When I read this, I was lead to believe that Mondo Grosso's music was a significant part of the game. But, he only contributed 4 tracks, he is only mentioned once in the article, and he is not listed as the composer. Not sure why this is in the lead.
Multiple ports were released including for- the phrasing released including for sounds unnatural, I don't think "including" is needed
The game was praised for integrating gameplay and music, and for its addictive gameplay.Repitition of the word 'gameplay'
The ports received less praise than the original: the mobile phone...I don't think that's a correct use of a colon
The remastered version was received positivelyThe phrasing 'received positively' feels unnatural
becoming the first entry of a series.It sounds ominous to not give the name of the series, even though it's the same name as the game.
There are many other issues with the writing across the article. Just from skimming around:
Lumines: Puzzle Fusion became the first game in a series, as it was followed by several sequels.- So since it was followed by several sequels, only then, it became the first game in the series?
It was released digitally on Xbox 360 via Xbox Live and began distribution- Games don't "begin distribution", publishers or distributors do. Games are the ones being distributed.
A physical double LP version was made available for also for- for also for
Due to the constraints of the PSP's sound systemWhat is meant by "constraints" and "sound system"? Are you talking about the speakers? Are you talking about the system's drivers to process sounds through a game engine? What is constraining about it? Lack of tracks? You can definitely play MP3s on the PSP so there is no shortage of what is possible in terms of musical variety.
Takayuki Nakamura composed music and Katsumi Yokota worked on music and graphics.- this reads pretty weak and is not engaging, especially since two of them worked on music and that was the best wording you could muster up here. "worked on" is vague. I don't know the specifics of what they contributed, but something like this would be better, for example: "Takayuki Nakamura composed the music with assistance from amateur musician Katsumi Yokota." This properly establishes who was in charge and Yokota's naivety. Since you don't talk about the graphics until later, mention that Yokota did the graphics at that point, perhaps. Thesauruses are your friend.
The music was developed with the ability to be changed by the gameplay.This is just such a...empty sentence that doesn't tell me anything. Well first, music is not developed, it is written/composed. That is, unless you are talking about the programming of how the music tracks are handled? Hmmmm, not sure what you are trying to say. How does the music music change exactly? In gameplay, you just mentioned tempo changes, but in the next sentence you seem to imply that tracks can come in and out? I believe what you are trying to say around here is something like this --> "He carefully considered his composition methods, as dynamic gameplay changes would trigger tempo shifts or muting of individual audio channels."
Yokota experimented with musical rhythms that matched the speed of the game's timeline bar.We've already established that it's music and Yokota we are talking about. Is "timeline" one word or two? You are not consistent across the article. "Synchronized" is better word than "matched". --> "He experimented with rhythms that synchronized with the time line bar's movement across the screen."
Puzzle mode challenges players to create pictures using blocks In Versus mode
Looking at the FA criteria the article seems to meet everything but 1.a. (well-written: its prose is engaging and of a professional standard). It's not engaging, and doesn't feel professional. Looking at how many fixes were already implemented above, and seeing as I'm still finding silly mistakes, I'm a little concerned. Did this get a peer review before nominated for FA? Did it get a copy edit from the GOCE? I'm not seeing on the talk page that it got either. The problems I identified above are just examples; I am not asking for these fixes to be implemented now because I think there is much more work needed. I think this is pretty far off from FA. TarkusAB talk/ contrib 12:41, 6 August 2021 (UTC)
Sorry Blue Pumpkin Pie, I appreciate the huge amount of work you have put into this, but the prose is a long way from 1a. I think that this is best withdrawn to work on this aspect - there is, IMO, more needed in this area than should be done during a FAC. @ FAC coordinators: in the view of my comments and those of other reviewers you may wish to consider archiving this anyway to be brought up to standard off-FAC with a view to a re-nomination. Gog the Mild ( talk) 13:44, 7 August 2021 (UTC)