The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 13:57, 6 June 2023 (UTC)
I'll review this article over the next day or two. Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 13:57, 6 June 2023 (UTC)
the club began to focus on attaining– Could be shortened to "the club focused on attaining" for conciseness.
Hertzka and the Neuer Wiener Frauenklub went on record as opposing the conflict– Was there anything specific about it that she opposed, or was she just upset that it was happening?
From this congress, the International Committee of Women for Permanent Peace, which would become the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom (WILPF), was formed, and the Austrian members of the committee, Leopoldine Kulka and Olga Misař, were chosen.– This sentence runs on a bit.
In Austria, Hertzka's public appearances and activities were increasingly limited as a result of rising antisemitism. In March 1938, all Jewish members of the Neuer Wiener Frauenklub were expelled.– It might be helpful for clarity to state somewhere in here that this explicitly affected Hertzka rather than just being something that happened around her.
Hertzka co-founded with Salka Goldman the Cottage Girls' Lyceum in the Cottage Quarter of Döbling, the 19th district of Vienna, in 1903.– I don't know if a better wording is possible, but this is a bit cluttered.
In the early years of the school's operation, it moved several times.– This could be simplified as "The school moved several times in the early years of its operation".
Hertzka distanced herself from both Goldman and Schirmacher– Schirmacher hasn't been mentioned since their meeting ten years prior, and it's unclear what relevance she has to Hertzka's life at this point.
She returned to Austria determined to establish the Höhere Gartenbauschule für Frauen (Higher Horticultural School for Women), but it would be several years before she did so– Was she determined to start this specific school with this specific name? Or did she just want to start "a horticultural school for women" which eventually became that school?
Hertzka often hosted garden parties, attended by many internationally known composers such as– Why composers? I would assume it's because of her husband's work in the music industry, but the article doesn't say this explicitly.
and Hans Vetter, an architect and co-founder of the Austrian Work Association, an organization aimed at improving and professionalizing craftsmanship– This sentence runs on, and I think this part is to blame. Details about Vetter's work probably aren't that relevant.
also located in Kaasgraben, part of Grinzing, in the Döbling district– This description of the location is a bit wordy, especially since it's in the middle of a sentence.
The school offered training in horticulture and landscape architecture, opening the fields to women, and also gave general business and law courses, requiring students to grow and market their produce.– Should this be two sentences?
the leading institution training women in horticulture and gardening in Austria-Hungary in the first third of the twentieth century– This might need to be reworded. In what way was it the leading institution? And I don't usually see centuries divided into thirds; I would write "in the early decades of" or something like that.
It was closely affiliated until 1921 with– "until 1921" should be moved to either the beginning or the end of the sentence.
In 1920, the alumni of the school founded– This is a new paragraph, so the school's name should probably be spelled out.
she moved around twenty-five times– "moved around" implies an indefinite amount of times. This can just say "she moved twenty-five times".
Around 1944, she moved in with activist Emmeline Pethick-Lawrence because of health concerns. She had developed a heart condition from poor nourishment and hard labor, as well as a skin disease which caused discomfort.– Though it can be inferred from context, the use of "she" makes it unclear whether Hertzka or Pethick-Lawrence is afflicted with these ailments.
Hertzka's husband, Taussig, was murdered on 19 May 1943– Was he killed in a random act or systematically as part of the Holocaust? "Murdered" creates the impression that it was the former.
Despite her prominence– This puts a subjective judgement in wikivoice.
also contributed to her erasure– This is strong language and makes it seem like it was an intentional act to destroy records of her.
Corinna Oesch, who has extensively researched Hertzka's life, noted that– Don't use " noted" to describe an author's opinion.
The sources appear to be reliable and high quality. The one exception is Geschichtewiki, which appears to accept user generated content. Is this source used anywhere in the article?
Spotchecks:
Because their activities were limited by the war
In the 1930s? Other uses are good.
performing administrative work for itis equal to
served as its administrator, as the latter implies more authority than the former.
Also, there is some potential WP:Close paraphrasing from this source:
Hertzka fell into obscurityversus
Yella Hertzka’s significant roles [...] had fallen into oblivion
A general lack of interest in women's history, and neglect from academics in studying women's contributionsversus
A general neglect of women’s biographies.
scattered in archives around the globeversus
documents concerning her are scattered around the globe
Because of the outbreak of World War I, the year after it openedversus
When war broke out the year after her school had opened
All aspects of her life appear to be covered. One instance of excessive detail: Emil was hired by Universal Edition in 1901 and promoted to management in 1907. Under his administration, he began transitioning the publishing house away from classical and traditional music and toward avant-garde and contemporary music.
– Is this relevant to Yella? It seems more suited to Emil's bio.
No neutrality issues.
No recent disputes.
All images are adequately captioned, and they are appropriately tagged as public domain or Creative Commons.
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 13:57, 6 June 2023 (UTC)
I'll review this article over the next day or two. Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 13:57, 6 June 2023 (UTC)
the club began to focus on attaining– Could be shortened to "the club focused on attaining" for conciseness.
Hertzka and the Neuer Wiener Frauenklub went on record as opposing the conflict– Was there anything specific about it that she opposed, or was she just upset that it was happening?
From this congress, the International Committee of Women for Permanent Peace, which would become the Women's International League for Peace and Freedom (WILPF), was formed, and the Austrian members of the committee, Leopoldine Kulka and Olga Misař, were chosen.– This sentence runs on a bit.
In Austria, Hertzka's public appearances and activities were increasingly limited as a result of rising antisemitism. In March 1938, all Jewish members of the Neuer Wiener Frauenklub were expelled.– It might be helpful for clarity to state somewhere in here that this explicitly affected Hertzka rather than just being something that happened around her.
Hertzka co-founded with Salka Goldman the Cottage Girls' Lyceum in the Cottage Quarter of Döbling, the 19th district of Vienna, in 1903.– I don't know if a better wording is possible, but this is a bit cluttered.
In the early years of the school's operation, it moved several times.– This could be simplified as "The school moved several times in the early years of its operation".
Hertzka distanced herself from both Goldman and Schirmacher– Schirmacher hasn't been mentioned since their meeting ten years prior, and it's unclear what relevance she has to Hertzka's life at this point.
She returned to Austria determined to establish the Höhere Gartenbauschule für Frauen (Higher Horticultural School for Women), but it would be several years before she did so– Was she determined to start this specific school with this specific name? Or did she just want to start "a horticultural school for women" which eventually became that school?
Hertzka often hosted garden parties, attended by many internationally known composers such as– Why composers? I would assume it's because of her husband's work in the music industry, but the article doesn't say this explicitly.
and Hans Vetter, an architect and co-founder of the Austrian Work Association, an organization aimed at improving and professionalizing craftsmanship– This sentence runs on, and I think this part is to blame. Details about Vetter's work probably aren't that relevant.
also located in Kaasgraben, part of Grinzing, in the Döbling district– This description of the location is a bit wordy, especially since it's in the middle of a sentence.
The school offered training in horticulture and landscape architecture, opening the fields to women, and also gave general business and law courses, requiring students to grow and market their produce.– Should this be two sentences?
the leading institution training women in horticulture and gardening in Austria-Hungary in the first third of the twentieth century– This might need to be reworded. In what way was it the leading institution? And I don't usually see centuries divided into thirds; I would write "in the early decades of" or something like that.
It was closely affiliated until 1921 with– "until 1921" should be moved to either the beginning or the end of the sentence.
In 1920, the alumni of the school founded– This is a new paragraph, so the school's name should probably be spelled out.
she moved around twenty-five times– "moved around" implies an indefinite amount of times. This can just say "she moved twenty-five times".
Around 1944, she moved in with activist Emmeline Pethick-Lawrence because of health concerns. She had developed a heart condition from poor nourishment and hard labor, as well as a skin disease which caused discomfort.– Though it can be inferred from context, the use of "she" makes it unclear whether Hertzka or Pethick-Lawrence is afflicted with these ailments.
Hertzka's husband, Taussig, was murdered on 19 May 1943– Was he killed in a random act or systematically as part of the Holocaust? "Murdered" creates the impression that it was the former.
Despite her prominence– This puts a subjective judgement in wikivoice.
also contributed to her erasure– This is strong language and makes it seem like it was an intentional act to destroy records of her.
Corinna Oesch, who has extensively researched Hertzka's life, noted that– Don't use " noted" to describe an author's opinion.
The sources appear to be reliable and high quality. The one exception is Geschichtewiki, which appears to accept user generated content. Is this source used anywhere in the article?
Spotchecks:
Because their activities were limited by the war
In the 1930s? Other uses are good.
performing administrative work for itis equal to
served as its administrator, as the latter implies more authority than the former.
Also, there is some potential WP:Close paraphrasing from this source:
Hertzka fell into obscurityversus
Yella Hertzka’s significant roles [...] had fallen into oblivion
A general lack of interest in women's history, and neglect from academics in studying women's contributionsversus
A general neglect of women’s biographies.
scattered in archives around the globeversus
documents concerning her are scattered around the globe
Because of the outbreak of World War I, the year after it openedversus
When war broke out the year after her school had opened
All aspects of her life appear to be covered. One instance of excessive detail: Emil was hired by Universal Edition in 1901 and promoted to management in 1907. Under his administration, he began transitioning the publishing house away from classical and traditional music and toward avant-garde and contemporary music.
– Is this relevant to Yella? It seems more suited to Emil's bio.
No neutrality issues.
No recent disputes.
All images are adequately captioned, and they are appropriately tagged as public domain or Creative Commons.