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Reviewer: Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk · contribs) 04:17, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
Hi, I'll take a look at this shortly. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 04:17, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
Prelim
- Earwig reports no copyvio
- No edit war
- No duplicated links
- Images correctly licensed
Lede and infobox
- Middle name in lede needs to be mentioned in main text for citation
- Consecutive sentences begin with "returned" and "returning", which makes awkward reading
- You use single quotation marks for his nickname in the main text but double in the infobox
- Link Hillingdon
Early life
- Per previous point on middle name
- Would "who would become..." work better than "who would be..."?
- Link joinery
Second World War
- Link corporal
- You never use the abbreviation RNZAF so introducing it seems unnecessary
- "His judgement was found to be at fault." Can you elaborate on what this meant for him? Was he reprimanded etc?
- Note that Aoringi was an ocean liner when introducing her
- "before being posted to No. 501 Squadron" Is this also in September? Another date would be useful to pin down when he started convoy patrols
- "transferred to No. 234 Squadron as a flight sergeant." He was already serving at 501 Sqn, so surely he already held flying rank by this point? If you're just unsure of the exact date of promotion it might be better to say "...having already been promoted to flight sergeant"
- "sweeps" is a little vague here, were they different to the convoy patrols? If so it could be better clarified
Malta
- "hindered his participation in the ensuing dogfight." This seems like a half finished story, I assume that this meant that he failed to claim any victories etc, but it could be clearer
- You use his nickname for the only time here in the second paragraph, and it seems out of place
- Did these six sorties include the 11 March one?
- Link strafing
- "Another Ju 87 was shot down over Ta Kali..." This sentence is a little confusing. Did Hesselyn shoot the Ju 87 down or did someone else? Saying "but Hesselyn...used up his remaining ammunition engaging them" sounds like it was a bad thing, but surely fighting until your guns were dry wasn't frowned down upon? If you're saying that it was unfortunate because he was not able to shoot the Bf 109s down then this could be clarified
- "with Hesselyn and another pilot
wasscrambled"
- "he was informed by Wing commander Edward Gracie" Is it necessary to name Gracie as the informer? You don't mention him again and he doesn't have an article
- "suffering from shock, was then..."?
- "deemed only a probable victory"? Calling it just a probable may be a little confusing for casual readers
- "flight operations" or flying operations?
- "engaged one, damaging it"
- "be the recipient"
- "with more raids being mounted at night" You say he had a quiet June, but could specify as to whether this was because of the raids now being at night, and why this change meant he saw less action
- You occasionally change from "Bf 109s" to just "109s", and should really stick with one or the other
- "Before returning to England," Remove comma
Europe
- "Hesselyn arrived in England..." When?
- "as a flight commander." Is he still a pilot officer at this point? I don't see when he becomes a flying officer
- You need to decide which way you're capitalising ranks, e.g. you use "Wing Commander" and "Wing commander"
- "termed Ramrods, to the Continent" Do either of these require capitalising?
- "Two days later, with another pilot, he shared in the destruction" No need to say "with another pilot" when you're already saying it was shared
- "upgraded to the new Spitfire IX (LF) aircraft." Out of interest, what was the upgrade exactly?
- The upgrade is in relation to the engine, and specifically the superchargers. These could be optimised for specific flying heights (LF refers the engine being best up to a low (relatively) flying height of 10,000 ft. F relates to a medium flying height and HF to a high flying height. I have added a link. Zawed ( talk) 05:07, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- Where is Audring? Not very useful naming a place that doesn't have an article
- "on a mission escorting..."
- Link B-25 Mitchell
- Link Amiens
- Link B-24 Liberator
Prisoner of war
- Link Prisoner-of-war camp?
- Castrated?! Assume the claim wasn't confirmed; what do you think?
- "On rejoining the rest of his captives" This makes it sounds like he was a guard rather than a fellow prisoner! Perhaps fellow captives?
- Introduce the POW acronym before you use it for the first time
Postwar career
- Hesselyn was released in May 1944 but didn't serve again in the war? Is that not an especially long recuperation period?
- I'm a little confused over his rank upon transferring to the RAF. He was commissioned as a pilot officer but kept his rank as a flight lieutenant, which was made substantive the next day? Does this mean he was holding a war substantive rank (for the single day he was a pilot officer/flight lieutenant) despite there not being a war ongoing? I feel this could be rephrased so that it makes more sense, unless I've completely missed the point!
- This is another holdover from the original text, and the sourcing for this is the LG cites. My main source (Sutherland) doesn't actually mention his rank at this stage. I suspect the use of war substantive ranks was to give seniority in rank over junior officers for chain of command purposes while paying wages at the commissioned rank. I've trimmed it down by simply referring to flight lieutenant and removing the mentions of seniority (which don't add much in this context). Zawed ( talk) 04:38, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- "recovery officer" This role probably needs explaining, not immediately clear
- The source does not expand on this. I suspect it is probably something to do with wreck recovery e.g. Joint Aircraft Recovery and Transportation Squadron but that would be OR. Zawed ( talk) 04:38, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- Do you have dates for the RAF Horsham and 217 Signals Unit postings?
- "emeny" sp
- Is naming Spinks auction house a necessary addition? They don't seem to be that notable and for most people knowing the medals were auctioned at all will be enough
That's all I have for now. Will await your replies. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 17:12, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
- @
Pickersgill-Cunliffe: thanks for the extensive review, much appreciated. I have responded to your points as outlined above.
Zawed (
talk) 05:42, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- @ Zawed I have made some minor and hopefully uncontroversial edits to help clean the article up, and am now happy to pass this as satisfying the good article criteria. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 14:17, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
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| Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
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history) ·
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Reviewer: Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk · contribs) 04:17, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
Hi, I'll take a look at this shortly. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 04:17, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
Prelim
- Earwig reports no copyvio
- No edit war
- No duplicated links
- Images correctly licensed
Lede and infobox
- Middle name in lede needs to be mentioned in main text for citation
- Consecutive sentences begin with "returned" and "returning", which makes awkward reading
- You use single quotation marks for his nickname in the main text but double in the infobox
- Link Hillingdon
Early life
- Per previous point on middle name
- Would "who would become..." work better than "who would be..."?
- Link joinery
Second World War
- Link corporal
- You never use the abbreviation RNZAF so introducing it seems unnecessary
- "His judgement was found to be at fault." Can you elaborate on what this meant for him? Was he reprimanded etc?
- Note that Aoringi was an ocean liner when introducing her
- "before being posted to No. 501 Squadron" Is this also in September? Another date would be useful to pin down when he started convoy patrols
- "transferred to No. 234 Squadron as a flight sergeant." He was already serving at 501 Sqn, so surely he already held flying rank by this point? If you're just unsure of the exact date of promotion it might be better to say "...having already been promoted to flight sergeant"
- "sweeps" is a little vague here, were they different to the convoy patrols? If so it could be better clarified
Malta
- "hindered his participation in the ensuing dogfight." This seems like a half finished story, I assume that this meant that he failed to claim any victories etc, but it could be clearer
- You use his nickname for the only time here in the second paragraph, and it seems out of place
- Did these six sorties include the 11 March one?
- Link strafing
- "Another Ju 87 was shot down over Ta Kali..." This sentence is a little confusing. Did Hesselyn shoot the Ju 87 down or did someone else? Saying "but Hesselyn...used up his remaining ammunition engaging them" sounds like it was a bad thing, but surely fighting until your guns were dry wasn't frowned down upon? If you're saying that it was unfortunate because he was not able to shoot the Bf 109s down then this could be clarified
- "with Hesselyn and another pilot
wasscrambled"
- "he was informed by Wing commander Edward Gracie" Is it necessary to name Gracie as the informer? You don't mention him again and he doesn't have an article
- "suffering from shock, was then..."?
- "deemed only a probable victory"? Calling it just a probable may be a little confusing for casual readers
- "flight operations" or flying operations?
- "engaged one, damaging it"
- "be the recipient"
- "with more raids being mounted at night" You say he had a quiet June, but could specify as to whether this was because of the raids now being at night, and why this change meant he saw less action
- You occasionally change from "Bf 109s" to just "109s", and should really stick with one or the other
- "Before returning to England," Remove comma
Europe
- "Hesselyn arrived in England..." When?
- "as a flight commander." Is he still a pilot officer at this point? I don't see when he becomes a flying officer
- You need to decide which way you're capitalising ranks, e.g. you use "Wing Commander" and "Wing commander"
- "termed Ramrods, to the Continent" Do either of these require capitalising?
- "Two days later, with another pilot, he shared in the destruction" No need to say "with another pilot" when you're already saying it was shared
- "upgraded to the new Spitfire IX (LF) aircraft." Out of interest, what was the upgrade exactly?
- The upgrade is in relation to the engine, and specifically the superchargers. These could be optimised for specific flying heights (LF refers the engine being best up to a low (relatively) flying height of 10,000 ft. F relates to a medium flying height and HF to a high flying height. I have added a link. Zawed ( talk) 05:07, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- Where is Audring? Not very useful naming a place that doesn't have an article
- "on a mission escorting..."
- Link B-25 Mitchell
- Link Amiens
- Link B-24 Liberator
Prisoner of war
- Link Prisoner-of-war camp?
- Castrated?! Assume the claim wasn't confirmed; what do you think?
- "On rejoining the rest of his captives" This makes it sounds like he was a guard rather than a fellow prisoner! Perhaps fellow captives?
- Introduce the POW acronym before you use it for the first time
Postwar career
- Hesselyn was released in May 1944 but didn't serve again in the war? Is that not an especially long recuperation period?
- I'm a little confused over his rank upon transferring to the RAF. He was commissioned as a pilot officer but kept his rank as a flight lieutenant, which was made substantive the next day? Does this mean he was holding a war substantive rank (for the single day he was a pilot officer/flight lieutenant) despite there not being a war ongoing? I feel this could be rephrased so that it makes more sense, unless I've completely missed the point!
- This is another holdover from the original text, and the sourcing for this is the LG cites. My main source (Sutherland) doesn't actually mention his rank at this stage. I suspect the use of war substantive ranks was to give seniority in rank over junior officers for chain of command purposes while paying wages at the commissioned rank. I've trimmed it down by simply referring to flight lieutenant and removing the mentions of seniority (which don't add much in this context). Zawed ( talk) 04:38, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- "recovery officer" This role probably needs explaining, not immediately clear
- The source does not expand on this. I suspect it is probably something to do with wreck recovery e.g. Joint Aircraft Recovery and Transportation Squadron but that would be OR. Zawed ( talk) 04:38, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- Do you have dates for the RAF Horsham and 217 Signals Unit postings?
- "emeny" sp
- Is naming Spinks auction house a necessary addition? They don't seem to be that notable and for most people knowing the medals were auctioned at all will be enough
That's all I have for now. Will await your replies. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 17:12, 2 December 2021 (UTC)
- @
Pickersgill-Cunliffe: thanks for the extensive review, much appreciated. I have responded to your points as outlined above.
Zawed (
talk) 05:42, 4 December 2021 (UTC)
- @ Zawed I have made some minor and hopefully uncontroversial edits to help clean the article up, and am now happy to pass this as satisfying the good article criteria. Pickersgill-Cunliffe ( talk) 14:17, 4 December 2021 (UTC)