The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 03:33, 17 May 2023 (UTC)
I think this one has been waiting long enough. I'll work on a review over the next few days. Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 03:33, 17 May 2023 (UTC)
General issues:
Textual issues:
The Brookings Institution discreet established– Supposed to be "discreetly"?
The group's members overall had strong experience in managerial skills and domestic and foreign policy.– This reads as puffery. This is especially a problem with its sourcing, which I've elaborated on below.
the Brookings Institution was conducting this review presidential transitions– Is there a word missing here?
the northern hemisphere's Summer of 1960– No need to specify the hemisphere, that can be assumed for an article about the United States. Perhaps "mid-1960" would be better?
Kennedy, arguably, did not become president-elect of the United States until November 9, 1960, the day after the election.– This sentence editorializes a bit. It would be preferable to just plainly state what happened.
He also suggested that Kennedy's representatives the White House budget office– Missing word?
as well as Kennedy's representatives meet with the secretary of state for foreign policy updates— Missing word?
at the time Kennedy was elected than they later developed to be– Clunky wording
transition operations out largely of his personal residence– Clunky wording
He also held transition planning meetings at his home as well as other locations in Washington– Avoid using "also" and "as well as" in the same sentence.
Kennedy's personal "offices"– MOS:SCAREQUOTES
None of the transition workers received financial compensation. The transition relied on volunteer staffers.– Saying volunteer and unpaid is redundant. This should be combined into a single sentence.
They also happened to largely be relatively young, but were also experienced in Washington, D.C. politics– Uses "also" twice in the same sentence.
Pierre Salinger was assigned to be the head of the transition's press team (the press secretary)– If he was the press secretary, can't the article just say that he was assigned to be the press secretary?
Kennedy's transition effort had to request funding from the Democratic National Committee (DNC) in order to pay its expenses. The DNC provided most of the funding for the transition.– Having both of these sentences feels redundant.
After this meeting, further actions Clifford and Persons would each undertake in the transition– Clunky wording
with Persons, with Clifford– Avoid using "with" twice in a row like this.
after the two's November 14 meeting– I'm not sure if "the two" should be made possessive; "two's" could probably be dropped without losing the sentence's meaning.
including some delivered directly from Richard M. Bissell Jr. and Allen Dulles (Director of Central Intelligence).– Who is Richard M. Bissell?
understood the costs of a poorly managed transition, and, overall, sought to play a role in making Kennedy's transition run smoothly.– This sentence might read more clearly if "overall" is dropped.
a one-on-one meeting with one another– Redundant.
and White House Press Secretary James Hagerty and– Having "and" appear twice like this make the sentence read awkwardly.
he particularly hoped to further discuss– Would any meaning be lost if this was condensed to "he hoped to discuss"?
Per later recounting by some officials involved, Eisenhower, in the waning days of his presidency, invited Kennedy to play a role in decision-making on significant issues– Clunky wording.
Cabinetneed to be capitalized?
Kennedyappears too frequently in the "selection of appointees" section where "he" would be preferable.
Dawson would have made history as the first black Cabinet secretary– "made history" is redundant to "first".
many correspondence were sent– Is "correspondence" supposed to be plural?
President-Johnson and his staff– Who is "President-Johnson"?
As indicated by Morris– The quote is redundant to this sentence.
Despite concerns about nepotism, Kennedy's father successfully demanded that Robert F. Kennedy be chosen for attorney general.– The article has already identified RFK as attorney general by this point. Ideally, all of the info about RFK should be put in the same place. I'd also suggest finding more info about the Kennedy family's involvement in the process, but there's currently enough for GA.
In his White House staff, Kennedy did not choose a formal White House chief of staff, instead, preferring the idea of, in effect, acting as his own chief of staff.– This sentence has five commas and two "chief of staff"s. Both of those should be reduced.
Reliability:
Spotchecks:
many even more so experienced than their counterparts in past transitionsseems like close paraphrasing in that it basically restates the same idea in the same way as the source. I like that this source provides some retrospective analysis from the author. There seems to be a lot of good info in this book that could be added if you're ever looking to take this article further. One example is that on p.65 it says that Clifford and Neustadt barred themselves from accepting jobs from Kennedy to avoid a conflict of interest, which might be worth considering for inclusion.
Spotchecks look great. My only takeaway is that there's a lot more to write about should you or anyone else ever choose to do so.
James E. Webb was also involved in the transition– Without any context to explain relevance, this seems like a minor detail.
Article is neutral. Nothing is presented positively or negatively (except one minor instance of puffery that's addressed above). No ideas or opinions are given undue weight.
Article is stable. No recent conflicts in the edit history or on the talk page.
All images are public domain as works of the U.S. federal government. Images are relevant and high quality, and the captions are sufficient. As a suggestion, an image of Kennedy with some of his appointees, such as a cabinet photo, would be a nice touch for the appointees section if you're interested in adding more images.
@ Thebiguglyalien "Kennedy, arguably, did not become president-elect of the United States until November 9, 1960, the day after the election" is not editorialism. It is a point of some debate as to when a candidate becomes president-elect. Is it when the first correct projection of victory comes in from a reliable source? Is it when there is a consensus from multiple sources that they are the projected winner? SecretName101 ( talk) 01:58, 18 May 2023 (UTC)
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
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Reviewing |
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|
visual edit |
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Article talk (
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history) ·
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 03:33, 17 May 2023 (UTC)
I think this one has been waiting long enough. I'll work on a review over the next few days. Thebiguglyalien ( talk) 03:33, 17 May 2023 (UTC)
General issues:
Textual issues:
The Brookings Institution discreet established– Supposed to be "discreetly"?
The group's members overall had strong experience in managerial skills and domestic and foreign policy.– This reads as puffery. This is especially a problem with its sourcing, which I've elaborated on below.
the Brookings Institution was conducting this review presidential transitions– Is there a word missing here?
the northern hemisphere's Summer of 1960– No need to specify the hemisphere, that can be assumed for an article about the United States. Perhaps "mid-1960" would be better?
Kennedy, arguably, did not become president-elect of the United States until November 9, 1960, the day after the election.– This sentence editorializes a bit. It would be preferable to just plainly state what happened.
He also suggested that Kennedy's representatives the White House budget office– Missing word?
as well as Kennedy's representatives meet with the secretary of state for foreign policy updates— Missing word?
at the time Kennedy was elected than they later developed to be– Clunky wording
transition operations out largely of his personal residence– Clunky wording
He also held transition planning meetings at his home as well as other locations in Washington– Avoid using "also" and "as well as" in the same sentence.
Kennedy's personal "offices"– MOS:SCAREQUOTES
None of the transition workers received financial compensation. The transition relied on volunteer staffers.– Saying volunteer and unpaid is redundant. This should be combined into a single sentence.
They also happened to largely be relatively young, but were also experienced in Washington, D.C. politics– Uses "also" twice in the same sentence.
Pierre Salinger was assigned to be the head of the transition's press team (the press secretary)– If he was the press secretary, can't the article just say that he was assigned to be the press secretary?
Kennedy's transition effort had to request funding from the Democratic National Committee (DNC) in order to pay its expenses. The DNC provided most of the funding for the transition.– Having both of these sentences feels redundant.
After this meeting, further actions Clifford and Persons would each undertake in the transition– Clunky wording
with Persons, with Clifford– Avoid using "with" twice in a row like this.
after the two's November 14 meeting– I'm not sure if "the two" should be made possessive; "two's" could probably be dropped without losing the sentence's meaning.
including some delivered directly from Richard M. Bissell Jr. and Allen Dulles (Director of Central Intelligence).– Who is Richard M. Bissell?
understood the costs of a poorly managed transition, and, overall, sought to play a role in making Kennedy's transition run smoothly.– This sentence might read more clearly if "overall" is dropped.
a one-on-one meeting with one another– Redundant.
and White House Press Secretary James Hagerty and– Having "and" appear twice like this make the sentence read awkwardly.
he particularly hoped to further discuss– Would any meaning be lost if this was condensed to "he hoped to discuss"?
Per later recounting by some officials involved, Eisenhower, in the waning days of his presidency, invited Kennedy to play a role in decision-making on significant issues– Clunky wording.
Cabinetneed to be capitalized?
Kennedyappears too frequently in the "selection of appointees" section where "he" would be preferable.
Dawson would have made history as the first black Cabinet secretary– "made history" is redundant to "first".
many correspondence were sent– Is "correspondence" supposed to be plural?
President-Johnson and his staff– Who is "President-Johnson"?
As indicated by Morris– The quote is redundant to this sentence.
Despite concerns about nepotism, Kennedy's father successfully demanded that Robert F. Kennedy be chosen for attorney general.– The article has already identified RFK as attorney general by this point. Ideally, all of the info about RFK should be put in the same place. I'd also suggest finding more info about the Kennedy family's involvement in the process, but there's currently enough for GA.
In his White House staff, Kennedy did not choose a formal White House chief of staff, instead, preferring the idea of, in effect, acting as his own chief of staff.– This sentence has five commas and two "chief of staff"s. Both of those should be reduced.
Reliability:
Spotchecks:
many even more so experienced than their counterparts in past transitionsseems like close paraphrasing in that it basically restates the same idea in the same way as the source. I like that this source provides some retrospective analysis from the author. There seems to be a lot of good info in this book that could be added if you're ever looking to take this article further. One example is that on p.65 it says that Clifford and Neustadt barred themselves from accepting jobs from Kennedy to avoid a conflict of interest, which might be worth considering for inclusion.
Spotchecks look great. My only takeaway is that there's a lot more to write about should you or anyone else ever choose to do so.
James E. Webb was also involved in the transition– Without any context to explain relevance, this seems like a minor detail.
Article is neutral. Nothing is presented positively or negatively (except one minor instance of puffery that's addressed above). No ideas or opinions are given undue weight.
Article is stable. No recent conflicts in the edit history or on the talk page.
All images are public domain as works of the U.S. federal government. Images are relevant and high quality, and the captions are sufficient. As a suggestion, an image of Kennedy with some of his appointees, such as a cabinet photo, would be a nice touch for the appointees section if you're interested in adding more images.
@ Thebiguglyalien "Kennedy, arguably, did not become president-elect of the United States until November 9, 1960, the day after the election" is not editorialism. It is a point of some debate as to when a candidate becomes president-elect. Is it when the first correct projection of victory comes in from a reliable source? Is it when there is a consensus from multiple sources that they are the projected winner? SecretName101 ( talk) 01:58, 18 May 2023 (UTC)