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Nominator: Andrzejbanas ( talk · contribs)
Reviewer: PresN ( talk · contribs) 22:20, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
Okay, lets see what we can do here. I don't use templates, but do a stream of consciousness list as I read from top to bottom. So:
"where it helped make the company turn a profit, where their previous year was a loss."-> "where it helped make the company turn a profit, after a loss the previous year."
"set on a fixed screen, set in space"- double "set", change to "set on a fixed screen, taking place in space"
"Operational switches are available on the arcade machine that can adjust gameplay."- doesn't make it clear that the player can't (easily) hit these switches; maybe "Switches are available on the arcade machine to the operator of the machine that can adjust gameplay."
"Centuri Inc entered"- typically, unless needed for clarification, incorporation marks ("Inc.", "Ltd.", etc.) are not included in the name, so just "Centuri".
"to distribute and market all current and future Centuri arcade games outside of the arcade systems"- not clear what "outside of the arcade systems" means
"outside of the arcade systems, with the first three games announced being ports of the games"- see User:Tony1/Noun plus -ing for a very long explanation of why this is laborious writing, but in short, change to "outside of the arcade systems, and the first three games announced were ports of the games"
"The Atari 2600 version misses elements from the Arcade original"- "The Atari 2600 version lacks elements from the arcade original" or "is missing elements"
" the music (the arcade version"- in general, parentheticals aren't a good idea in encyclopedic-style writing, and especially when the parenthetical is the size of a sentence. I see that you want to keep it as a list of items, but just take this whole bit and make it a sentence after the list, it will be clear that it references the music, or else move it to gameplay.
", and fewer enemies appear on the screen"- breaks the pattern; all of the other items follow "is missing elements, such as X, Y, Z", but to break it you need to either add a new verb (", and has fewer enemies appear on the screen") or else just make it a new sentence (". In addition, fewer enemies appear on the screen"). I'd go with the second, as that sentence is already pretty long.
"where it was licensed to Taito by TPN"- this is the first (only) mention of TPN; who is that? You said earlier the dev was unknown, though it seems TPN is the other possible candidate besides Hiraoka
"Phoenix was released for consoles"- The Atari 2600 is a console, and Windows isn't, so maybe just "Phoenix was later re-released". Also, "for the Xbox, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, and Windows PCs" is tripping me because of the "the", so maybe just "for Xbox, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, and Windows PCs".
"Prior to its release in the United States, the game was released in Europe and Japanese markets where it was very popular."- we just got done talking about the earlier releases, so this is repetitious. Maybe just "The arcade game was very popular in Europe and Japan."
"In a retrospective review by Brett Alan Weiss (AllGame)"- re: parentheticals, should be "In a retrospective review by Brett Alan Weiss of AllGame"
" concluded that "Finely"- "finely", no caps, also italicize Phoenix in the quote
"comparing it to Galaxian (1979) stating"- "comparing it to Galaxian (1979), stating"
"Phoenix took it's gameplay "a few screen further""- its, and either "screens" or "screen[s]", depending on if the source had it off
"finding Phoenix "considerably advanced" noting"- "finding Phoenix "considerably advanced", noting"
That's it! Sorry this sat in the queue for so long. -- Pres N 22:20, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
Alright, passing for GA! -- Pres N 01:53, 31 March 2024 (UTC)
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Nominator: Andrzejbanas ( talk · contribs)
Reviewer: PresN ( talk · contribs) 22:20, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
Okay, lets see what we can do here. I don't use templates, but do a stream of consciousness list as I read from top to bottom. So:
"where it helped make the company turn a profit, where their previous year was a loss."-> "where it helped make the company turn a profit, after a loss the previous year."
"set on a fixed screen, set in space"- double "set", change to "set on a fixed screen, taking place in space"
"Operational switches are available on the arcade machine that can adjust gameplay."- doesn't make it clear that the player can't (easily) hit these switches; maybe "Switches are available on the arcade machine to the operator of the machine that can adjust gameplay."
"Centuri Inc entered"- typically, unless needed for clarification, incorporation marks ("Inc.", "Ltd.", etc.) are not included in the name, so just "Centuri".
"to distribute and market all current and future Centuri arcade games outside of the arcade systems"- not clear what "outside of the arcade systems" means
"outside of the arcade systems, with the first three games announced being ports of the games"- see User:Tony1/Noun plus -ing for a very long explanation of why this is laborious writing, but in short, change to "outside of the arcade systems, and the first three games announced were ports of the games"
"The Atari 2600 version misses elements from the Arcade original"- "The Atari 2600 version lacks elements from the arcade original" or "is missing elements"
" the music (the arcade version"- in general, parentheticals aren't a good idea in encyclopedic-style writing, and especially when the parenthetical is the size of a sentence. I see that you want to keep it as a list of items, but just take this whole bit and make it a sentence after the list, it will be clear that it references the music, or else move it to gameplay.
", and fewer enemies appear on the screen"- breaks the pattern; all of the other items follow "is missing elements, such as X, Y, Z", but to break it you need to either add a new verb (", and has fewer enemies appear on the screen") or else just make it a new sentence (". In addition, fewer enemies appear on the screen"). I'd go with the second, as that sentence is already pretty long.
"where it was licensed to Taito by TPN"- this is the first (only) mention of TPN; who is that? You said earlier the dev was unknown, though it seems TPN is the other possible candidate besides Hiraoka
"Phoenix was released for consoles"- The Atari 2600 is a console, and Windows isn't, so maybe just "Phoenix was later re-released". Also, "for the Xbox, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, and Windows PCs" is tripping me because of the "the", so maybe just "for Xbox, PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, and Windows PCs".
"Prior to its release in the United States, the game was released in Europe and Japanese markets where it was very popular."- we just got done talking about the earlier releases, so this is repetitious. Maybe just "The arcade game was very popular in Europe and Japan."
"In a retrospective review by Brett Alan Weiss (AllGame)"- re: parentheticals, should be "In a retrospective review by Brett Alan Weiss of AllGame"
" concluded that "Finely"- "finely", no caps, also italicize Phoenix in the quote
"comparing it to Galaxian (1979) stating"- "comparing it to Galaxian (1979), stating"
"Phoenix took it's gameplay "a few screen further""- its, and either "screens" or "screen[s]", depending on if the source had it off
"finding Phoenix "considerably advanced" noting"- "finding Phoenix "considerably advanced", noting"
That's it! Sorry this sat in the queue for so long. -- Pres N 22:20, 28 March 2024 (UTC)
Alright, passing for GA! -- Pres N 01:53, 31 March 2024 (UTC)