The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 16:01, 14 August 2023 (UTC)
I should have a review done for this within the next day or so.
Thebiguglyalien (
talk) 16:01, 14 August 2023 (UTC)
I made some minor copyedits.
General notes:
due toand
due to the fact(including two in one sentence!), which can be replaced with "because"
Lead:
with lyrics by Bacharach's songwriting partner Hal David– I don't think we need to specify that it's his songwriting partner, especially since the next sentence calls them a duo.
was composed in the time of roughly three weeks together– Could we replace "in the time of" with "over" or just "in"?
whose perfectionism intimidated the band– I didn't get this impression from the article.
along with a more "forceful rhythm"– This quote is unattributed, and it might be better to just paraphrase the changes for the lead.
Background and composition:
By the mid-1960s, American Burt Bacharach and Hal David– "American" probably doesn't need to be in this sentence.
In 1964, ITV Studios in the United Kingdom– Is there a better way to word this? My first thought was "British studio ITV Studios", but that's even worse.
which resulted in him flying to London with his fiancé Angie Dickinson, who was an actress knowledgeable in filmmaking– This can be made more concise. Instead of "which resulted in him flying", it could just say "he flew". The description of his fiancé could similarly be reworded.
Dickinson ran into producer– "ran into" is slightly idiomatic.
After being shown a picture of Bacharach by Dickinson– I'm not usually too concerned about active/passive voice, but it stands out here, especially since it's used to put two "after"s in the same sentence. This whole sentence runs on a bit long.
In fact– Can be removed without changing the meaning.
amongst– "among" is simpler and virtually always correct.
Despite their hits being rhythm and blues-oriented...– This whole sentence runs really long and goes through a few different complete ideas.
would come in handy– "would be useful" or even "was useful" is more formal.
used them as a basis of the composition– It's not clear what this means.
had been an opposer– "had opposed" or "disliked"?
Recording:
Manfred Mann were ordered to the EMI Studio– Is "ordered" the correct word here?
amidst– "amid"
and as a result were not paid for by Manfred Mann's British label His Master's Voice, but rather by United Artists– How about "so they were paid for by United Artists instead of Manfred Mann's British label, His Master's Voice"
which according to Serene Dominic led to the initial version recorded during that session being "lackluster" due to the rushed nature of it– "led to" and "due to" are redundant. This sentence should be rewritten to be more concise.
She claims it lacks anything characteristic of Manfred Mann besides "Paul Jones" edgy vocals, which meant that the version was relatively barebones– This sentence reads awkwardly. "Claims" doesn't really fit an interpretation, it's unclear what "'Paul Jones' edgy vocals" means, and "which meant that the version was relatively barebones" is wordy but doesn't convey much information.
On the contrary– This feels informal, and something like "Jones disagreed, saying that..." would be simpler.
Nonetheless– Can be cut.
along with a "distinctive flute riff"– According to whom is it distinctive? This is an interpretation, so it should be attributed.
about 19 times— 19 is a specific number for "about". Does the source say "about 19"?
An anectode about the song's recording is that Bacharach himself played piano on the song– "An anecdote about" gives me the same impression as "In this essay". Just describe the fact, and specify if it's unconfirmed or unlikely to be true.
Release and reception:
In preparation and as publicity for– A little redundant, one or the other should cover it.
a slight commercial failure? Maybe "it saw only modest success" or something like that.
Love version:
and strengthened its beat– In what sense is "strengthened" being used here? At first I read it as "made it better".
been described as "garage punk", proto-punk, and hard rock.— Why is just one of these in quotes?
It reached number 1– Numerals 0–9 should be spelled out, but I don't know if chart positions are an exception.
Early Pink Floyd manager Peter Jenner claimed– Avoid "claimed", which can be read as casting doubt.
What makes the following sources reliable? Are these authors well known musician biographers or experts of music history, or are the publishers well regarded for this sort of book?
All are reliable.
established and respected songwriting duois cited to David, which is not an independent source to evaluate this.
while bass guitarist Tom McGuinness was the only band member to understand Bacharach's songwriting– This should probably be attributed to Bacharach, since it's essentially his point of view of what happened.
Bacharach was allegedly extremely disappointed– If this is from Bacharach's own book, then why is it alleged?
Spot checks:
"Bacharach deposited himself...isn't the exact quote.
Spotchecks look good.
Covers all of the basic aspects that one would expect in an article for a song. No part of the article goes into excessive detail.
No ideas are given undue weight, and the song is not praised or criticized by the article.
No recent disputes.
All images have non-free use rationales or are licensed under Creative Commons. The non-infobox image has a caption providing context.
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
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Reviewing |
Article (
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visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
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history) ·
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Reviewer: Thebiguglyalien ( talk · contribs) 16:01, 14 August 2023 (UTC)
I should have a review done for this within the next day or so.
Thebiguglyalien (
talk) 16:01, 14 August 2023 (UTC)
I made some minor copyedits.
General notes:
due toand
due to the fact(including two in one sentence!), which can be replaced with "because"
Lead:
with lyrics by Bacharach's songwriting partner Hal David– I don't think we need to specify that it's his songwriting partner, especially since the next sentence calls them a duo.
was composed in the time of roughly three weeks together– Could we replace "in the time of" with "over" or just "in"?
whose perfectionism intimidated the band– I didn't get this impression from the article.
along with a more "forceful rhythm"– This quote is unattributed, and it might be better to just paraphrase the changes for the lead.
Background and composition:
By the mid-1960s, American Burt Bacharach and Hal David– "American" probably doesn't need to be in this sentence.
In 1964, ITV Studios in the United Kingdom– Is there a better way to word this? My first thought was "British studio ITV Studios", but that's even worse.
which resulted in him flying to London with his fiancé Angie Dickinson, who was an actress knowledgeable in filmmaking– This can be made more concise. Instead of "which resulted in him flying", it could just say "he flew". The description of his fiancé could similarly be reworded.
Dickinson ran into producer– "ran into" is slightly idiomatic.
After being shown a picture of Bacharach by Dickinson– I'm not usually too concerned about active/passive voice, but it stands out here, especially since it's used to put two "after"s in the same sentence. This whole sentence runs on a bit long.
In fact– Can be removed without changing the meaning.
amongst– "among" is simpler and virtually always correct.
Despite their hits being rhythm and blues-oriented...– This whole sentence runs really long and goes through a few different complete ideas.
would come in handy– "would be useful" or even "was useful" is more formal.
used them as a basis of the composition– It's not clear what this means.
had been an opposer– "had opposed" or "disliked"?
Recording:
Manfred Mann were ordered to the EMI Studio– Is "ordered" the correct word here?
amidst– "amid"
and as a result were not paid for by Manfred Mann's British label His Master's Voice, but rather by United Artists– How about "so they were paid for by United Artists instead of Manfred Mann's British label, His Master's Voice"
which according to Serene Dominic led to the initial version recorded during that session being "lackluster" due to the rushed nature of it– "led to" and "due to" are redundant. This sentence should be rewritten to be more concise.
She claims it lacks anything characteristic of Manfred Mann besides "Paul Jones" edgy vocals, which meant that the version was relatively barebones– This sentence reads awkwardly. "Claims" doesn't really fit an interpretation, it's unclear what "'Paul Jones' edgy vocals" means, and "which meant that the version was relatively barebones" is wordy but doesn't convey much information.
On the contrary– This feels informal, and something like "Jones disagreed, saying that..." would be simpler.
Nonetheless– Can be cut.
along with a "distinctive flute riff"– According to whom is it distinctive? This is an interpretation, so it should be attributed.
about 19 times— 19 is a specific number for "about". Does the source say "about 19"?
An anectode about the song's recording is that Bacharach himself played piano on the song– "An anecdote about" gives me the same impression as "In this essay". Just describe the fact, and specify if it's unconfirmed or unlikely to be true.
Release and reception:
In preparation and as publicity for– A little redundant, one or the other should cover it.
a slight commercial failure? Maybe "it saw only modest success" or something like that.
Love version:
and strengthened its beat– In what sense is "strengthened" being used here? At first I read it as "made it better".
been described as "garage punk", proto-punk, and hard rock.— Why is just one of these in quotes?
It reached number 1– Numerals 0–9 should be spelled out, but I don't know if chart positions are an exception.
Early Pink Floyd manager Peter Jenner claimed– Avoid "claimed", which can be read as casting doubt.
What makes the following sources reliable? Are these authors well known musician biographers or experts of music history, or are the publishers well regarded for this sort of book?
All are reliable.
established and respected songwriting duois cited to David, which is not an independent source to evaluate this.
while bass guitarist Tom McGuinness was the only band member to understand Bacharach's songwriting– This should probably be attributed to Bacharach, since it's essentially his point of view of what happened.
Bacharach was allegedly extremely disappointed– If this is from Bacharach's own book, then why is it alleged?
Spot checks:
"Bacharach deposited himself...isn't the exact quote.
Spotchecks look good.
Covers all of the basic aspects that one would expect in an article for a song. No part of the article goes into excessive detail.
No ideas are given undue weight, and the song is not praised or criticized by the article.
No recent disputes.
All images have non-free use rationales or are licensed under Creative Commons. The non-infobox image has a caption providing context.