The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
Watch
Reviewer: Grnrchst ( talk · contribs) 14:55, 20 October 2023 (UTC)
I'll be taking this review on as part of
Women in Green's 5th Edit-a-thon. It's always a pleasure to review these articles on Bolivian women in politics, nice work as usual
Krisgabwoosh! As per my reviewing style, I'll do section-by-section comments followed by a check against GA criteria. --
Grnrchst (
talk) 14:55, 20 October 2023 (UTC)
"in the vicinity of Chojñapata and Chiñaja, two settlements [...]"Might just be worth replacing this with "in the Chojñapata Chiñaja Canton, located in [...]", if the exact location is unclear.
"intermediate"Shouldn't this be "intermediate school"?
"Poma spent eighteen years [...] During this time [...] from 1988 to 2005"That's three times you clarify the same time period in two sentences. Consider a wee rewrite for concision.
"Poma held local civic positions"As this is a different field, consider adding an "also", so: "Poma also held local civic positions".
"The 2004 municipal elections were the first to allow local political organizations to compete"On first glance, this reads a bit odd. Were local organisations not allowed to run in local elections? Or were only nationally-registered political parties permitted to run? This may need a bit of clarification.
"Hence,"No need for this, we can already easily infer the cause-effect.
"despite headlining ASI's list of substitute councillors"Maybe move the information about her being the head of the list into the paragraph's first sentence? Then that clears up the word to watch "despite".
"this time with a more established front: the Movement for Socialism"Might be worth a wee clarification that the MAS were already the governing party in Bolivia by this point.
"Despite the loss,"This could be cut.
"colleague senator" Hrm? What does this mean?
"amerindian"As this is a controversial term, I think this should probably be replaced with "indigenous".
"after a near-quarter-century of being stuck in committee"So the bill was in committee since before she ever took office? Might be worth elaborating on this a little, as that's a long time.
"[...] unregistered vehicles, arguing [...]"Might be worth breaking the sentence here, just for easier readability. So you could start the new sentence with "She argued [...]"
"Daughter of artisans,"Should maybe say "A daughter of artisans,"
"she served as chair"Maybe "she also served as chair".
"represented here trade's labor unions"Every other instance in this article uses "trade unions", not "labor unions", so this should be standardised.
"She sought a space"Should probably clarify that this was unsuccessful. Right now it just implies that.
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
Watch
Reviewer: Grnrchst ( talk · contribs) 14:55, 20 October 2023 (UTC)
I'll be taking this review on as part of
Women in Green's 5th Edit-a-thon. It's always a pleasure to review these articles on Bolivian women in politics, nice work as usual
Krisgabwoosh! As per my reviewing style, I'll do section-by-section comments followed by a check against GA criteria. --
Grnrchst (
talk) 14:55, 20 October 2023 (UTC)
"in the vicinity of Chojñapata and Chiñaja, two settlements [...]"Might just be worth replacing this with "in the Chojñapata Chiñaja Canton, located in [...]", if the exact location is unclear.
"intermediate"Shouldn't this be "intermediate school"?
"Poma spent eighteen years [...] During this time [...] from 1988 to 2005"That's three times you clarify the same time period in two sentences. Consider a wee rewrite for concision.
"Poma held local civic positions"As this is a different field, consider adding an "also", so: "Poma also held local civic positions".
"The 2004 municipal elections were the first to allow local political organizations to compete"On first glance, this reads a bit odd. Were local organisations not allowed to run in local elections? Or were only nationally-registered political parties permitted to run? This may need a bit of clarification.
"Hence,"No need for this, we can already easily infer the cause-effect.
"despite headlining ASI's list of substitute councillors"Maybe move the information about her being the head of the list into the paragraph's first sentence? Then that clears up the word to watch "despite".
"this time with a more established front: the Movement for Socialism"Might be worth a wee clarification that the MAS were already the governing party in Bolivia by this point.
"Despite the loss,"This could be cut.
"colleague senator" Hrm? What does this mean?
"amerindian"As this is a controversial term, I think this should probably be replaced with "indigenous".
"after a near-quarter-century of being stuck in committee"So the bill was in committee since before she ever took office? Might be worth elaborating on this a little, as that's a long time.
"[...] unregistered vehicles, arguing [...]"Might be worth breaking the sentence here, just for easier readability. So you could start the new sentence with "She argued [...]"
"Daughter of artisans,"Should maybe say "A daughter of artisans,"
"she served as chair"Maybe "she also served as chair".
"represented here trade's labor unions"Every other instance in this article uses "trade unions", not "labor unions", so this should be standardised.
"She sought a space"Should probably clarify that this was unsuccessful. Right now it just implies that.
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria