The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Phlsph7 ( talk · contribs) 09:41, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
I'll review this one. I hope to have my first comments ready soon.
Phlsph7 (
talk) 09:41, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria
I had a first look. There are a few points to be addressed but no major problems: some minor changes with the prose, two potentially unreliable sources, one possible factual error, and a few personal details that should be added.
In 1980, he became a founding member of the National Confederation of Normalist Students and served as its executive secretary.: is "National Confederation of Normalist Students" the official translation? I searched the expression but couldn't find anything. If there is no official translation, it might be better to use the original title "Confederación Nacional de Estudiantes Normalistas"
...where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003.: remove the "at" after "taught"
...sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children...: Oxford comma after "merriment"
...for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: it might be better to use the Spanish expression since people didn't actually use the term "Santa Claus". You could add the translation in parenthesis so that the average reader can make sense of it: ...he was dubbed "Papá Noel de Potosí" (Santa Claus of Potosí).
Cortés' personal popularity in the city led him to be put forward...: remove the redundant expression "personal"
Cortés' own popularity, coupled with Joaquino's established political presence in the area,...: remove the redundant expression "own"
...Cortés served as fourth secretary on the chamber's directive board...: add "the" before "fourth"
...thanks in large part to his personal popularity in the city." remove the redundant expression "personal". Phlsph7 ( talk) 09:24, 15 November 2022 (UTC)
His left-wing activism against the dictatorships of the 1970s and '80s led him to join the Communist Party of Bolivia (PCB), an organization with which he became a leader in the public sphere, representing the education and mining sectors.: it might be better to split this into two sentences: "His left-wing activism against the dictatorships of the 1970s and '80s led him to join the Communist Party of Bolivia (PCB). He became one of its leaders in the public sphere, representing the education and mining sectors."
Following his release, Cortés returned to education, briefly working as a professor at the Siglo XX National University before settling in La Palca, where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003.: I think two shorter sentences with less gerund constructions would be better: "Following his release, Cortés returned to education. He briefly worked as a professor at the Siglo XX National University before settling in La Palca, where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003."
Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009, during which time he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: I would also suggest a split here: 'Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009. During this time, he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí"'.
While in the Chamber of Deputies, Cortés served as a leading member of the Parliamentary Network for Children and Adolescents, a legislative body committed to the rights and welfare of the country's youth, and notably continued his longstanding tradition of celebrating Christmas as Santa Claus.: I lost track of what the subject was after the long explanatory clause. What about turning the last clause into a separate sentence: "While in the Chamber of Deputies, Cortés served as a leading member of the Parliamentary Network for Children and Adolescents, a legislative body committed to the rights and welfare of the country's youth. He continued his longstanding tradition of celebrating Christmas as Santa Claus." I also removed the "notably". (see MOS:WTW)
In 1980, he became a founding member of the National Confederation of Normalist Students and served as its executive secretary.: supported by ref 2
Shortly thereafter, Potosí Mayor René Joaquino invited Cortés to work in the Mayor's Office as the municipal government's senior official for culture and human development. Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009, during which time he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: supported by ref 3 & 4
Cortés' own popularity, coupled with Joaquino's established political presence in the area, landed him the victory in the election.: supported by ref 4
While in university, Cortés enjoyed a sixteen-year career in professional football, playing as a goalkeeper for River Plate and Independiente Petrolero.: ref 2 talks of 12 years ("Paralelamente, me dediqué al fútbol profesional, durante doce años; fui jugador de River Plate en Sucre y luego, de Independiente Petrolero.")
Phlsph7 ( talk) 16:24, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
I think now all points have been addressed. I'll pass it. Thanks for your fast responses and for bearing with me concerning the translation issue. Phlsph7 ( talk) 19:44, 15 November 2022 (UTC)
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Phlsph7 ( talk · contribs) 09:41, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
I'll review this one. I hope to have my first comments ready soon.
Phlsph7 (
talk) 09:41, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria
I had a first look. There are a few points to be addressed but no major problems: some minor changes with the prose, two potentially unreliable sources, one possible factual error, and a few personal details that should be added.
In 1980, he became a founding member of the National Confederation of Normalist Students and served as its executive secretary.: is "National Confederation of Normalist Students" the official translation? I searched the expression but couldn't find anything. If there is no official translation, it might be better to use the original title "Confederación Nacional de Estudiantes Normalistas"
...where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003.: remove the "at" after "taught"
...sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children...: Oxford comma after "merriment"
...for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: it might be better to use the Spanish expression since people didn't actually use the term "Santa Claus". You could add the translation in parenthesis so that the average reader can make sense of it: ...he was dubbed "Papá Noel de Potosí" (Santa Claus of Potosí).
Cortés' personal popularity in the city led him to be put forward...: remove the redundant expression "personal"
Cortés' own popularity, coupled with Joaquino's established political presence in the area,...: remove the redundant expression "own"
...Cortés served as fourth secretary on the chamber's directive board...: add "the" before "fourth"
...thanks in large part to his personal popularity in the city." remove the redundant expression "personal". Phlsph7 ( talk) 09:24, 15 November 2022 (UTC)
His left-wing activism against the dictatorships of the 1970s and '80s led him to join the Communist Party of Bolivia (PCB), an organization with which he became a leader in the public sphere, representing the education and mining sectors.: it might be better to split this into two sentences: "His left-wing activism against the dictatorships of the 1970s and '80s led him to join the Communist Party of Bolivia (PCB). He became one of its leaders in the public sphere, representing the education and mining sectors."
Following his release, Cortés returned to education, briefly working as a professor at the Siglo XX National University before settling in La Palca, where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003.: I think two shorter sentences with less gerund constructions would be better: "Following his release, Cortés returned to education. He briefly worked as a professor at the Siglo XX National University before settling in La Palca, where he taught at and later directed the Óscar Alfaro School for eighteen years between 1985 and 2003."
Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009, during which time he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: I would also suggest a split here: 'Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009. During this time, he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí"'.
While in the Chamber of Deputies, Cortés served as a leading member of the Parliamentary Network for Children and Adolescents, a legislative body committed to the rights and welfare of the country's youth, and notably continued his longstanding tradition of celebrating Christmas as Santa Claus.: I lost track of what the subject was after the long explanatory clause. What about turning the last clause into a separate sentence: "While in the Chamber of Deputies, Cortés served as a leading member of the Parliamentary Network for Children and Adolescents, a legislative body committed to the rights and welfare of the country's youth. He continued his longstanding tradition of celebrating Christmas as Santa Claus." I also removed the "notably". (see MOS:WTW)
In 1980, he became a founding member of the National Confederation of Normalist Students and served as its executive secretary.: supported by ref 2
Shortly thereafter, Potosí Mayor René Joaquino invited Cortés to work in the Mayor's Office as the municipal government's senior official for culture and human development. Cortés held the position for four years between 2005 and 2009, during which time he became well known in the city for his tradition of dressing as Santa Claus during the Christmas season, sharing merriment and distributing gifts to children, for which he was dubbed the "Santa Claus of Potosí".: supported by ref 3 & 4
Cortés' own popularity, coupled with Joaquino's established political presence in the area, landed him the victory in the election.: supported by ref 4
While in university, Cortés enjoyed a sixteen-year career in professional football, playing as a goalkeeper for River Plate and Independiente Petrolero.: ref 2 talks of 12 years ("Paralelamente, me dediqué al fútbol profesional, durante doce años; fui jugador de River Plate en Sucre y luego, de Independiente Petrolero.")
Phlsph7 ( talk) 16:24, 14 November 2022 (UTC)
I think now all points have been addressed. I'll pass it. Thanks for your fast responses and for bearing with me concerning the translation issue. Phlsph7 ( talk) 19:44, 15 November 2022 (UTC)