The prose can be tightened up to improve flow and cut down on redundancy. For example:
The first three sentences of "Conception and creation" can be condensed to two (maybe even one) sentence.
In the sentence about Zero's Z-saber, "that" would be a better fit here instead of "which" and mentioning "introduced" and "first time" together is redundant (I'd drop "first time").
This phrase, "Mega Man Zero's version of Zero's character", in "Design" is awkward. Maybe try "The Mega Man Zero version of the character".
I think some of the quotes can be paraphrased. Like Inafune's in "Conception and creation" and some of the ones in "Reception".
I suggest you get a fresh pair of eyes to give the article a quick copy edit sweep.
File:Zero-mmx.png's and
File:Zero-mmz.png's FUR could use some expansion. (See
File:Rufus-sfiv.png and
File:IvyConcept02.jpg for examples.) Right now, the two don't look to offer that much information. It might also benefit the article if one of the images was moved to another section with a caption to give more context.
And I paraphrased the quotes a tiny bit more, that should fix up the last issue there. The one in reception still bugs me a little, but there's no real way to paraphrase that cleanly and retain the same effect/meaning.--
Kung Fu Man (
talk)
18:59, 13 December 2009 (UTC)reply
The article is better, but there are a few more issues I think need to be addressed.
Also, it says "Mega Man X5" rather than a Megan Man Zero game.
Some prose issues
The first sentence of "Conception and creation" still bugs me.
"but he wanted to create another one different from the original one." should be it's own sentence.
Maybe try this "He wanted to design a Mega Man different from the original one.
The first sentence of the second paragraph should be split too.
The bit about Capcom announcing the next title should be its own sentence.
Switch from passive voice to active. "The concept of Zero starring in his own series was proposed by Inafune, who had himself planned to go forward..." → "Inafune proposed that Zero star in his own series, and planned to go forward..."
The prose looks much better now. I hope the original meanings of the content has been retained.
The only thing left are the "source" and "portion used" sections of the images. Portion used is a necessary component to an FUR. Accurate sourcing is preferred, but I worry it will be forgotten if not addressed now. (
Guyinblack25talk23:00, 14 December 2009 (UTC))reply
Fixed, I don't have the scans on hand unfortunately to confirm the exact page however. Sorry for the delay, work's been busting my butt. Will that info suffice?--
Kung Fu Man (
talk)
03:57, 20 December 2009 (UTC)reply
The prose can be tightened up to improve flow and cut down on redundancy. For example:
The first three sentences of "Conception and creation" can be condensed to two (maybe even one) sentence.
In the sentence about Zero's Z-saber, "that" would be a better fit here instead of "which" and mentioning "introduced" and "first time" together is redundant (I'd drop "first time").
This phrase, "Mega Man Zero's version of Zero's character", in "Design" is awkward. Maybe try "The Mega Man Zero version of the character".
I think some of the quotes can be paraphrased. Like Inafune's in "Conception and creation" and some of the ones in "Reception".
I suggest you get a fresh pair of eyes to give the article a quick copy edit sweep.
File:Zero-mmx.png's and
File:Zero-mmz.png's FUR could use some expansion. (See
File:Rufus-sfiv.png and
File:IvyConcept02.jpg for examples.) Right now, the two don't look to offer that much information. It might also benefit the article if one of the images was moved to another section with a caption to give more context.
And I paraphrased the quotes a tiny bit more, that should fix up the last issue there. The one in reception still bugs me a little, but there's no real way to paraphrase that cleanly and retain the same effect/meaning.--
Kung Fu Man (
talk)
18:59, 13 December 2009 (UTC)reply
The article is better, but there are a few more issues I think need to be addressed.
Also, it says "Mega Man X5" rather than a Megan Man Zero game.
Some prose issues
The first sentence of "Conception and creation" still bugs me.
"but he wanted to create another one different from the original one." should be it's own sentence.
Maybe try this "He wanted to design a Mega Man different from the original one.
The first sentence of the second paragraph should be split too.
The bit about Capcom announcing the next title should be its own sentence.
Switch from passive voice to active. "The concept of Zero starring in his own series was proposed by Inafune, who had himself planned to go forward..." → "Inafune proposed that Zero star in his own series, and planned to go forward..."
The prose looks much better now. I hope the original meanings of the content has been retained.
The only thing left are the "source" and "portion used" sections of the images. Portion used is a necessary component to an FUR. Accurate sourcing is preferred, but I worry it will be forgotten if not addressed now. (
Guyinblack25talk23:00, 14 December 2009 (UTC))reply
Fixed, I don't have the scans on hand unfortunately to confirm the exact page however. Sorry for the delay, work's been busting my butt. Will that info suffice?--
Kung Fu Man (
talk)
03:57, 20 December 2009 (UTC)reply