GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
Watch
Reviewer: Mike Christie ( talk · contribs) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I'll review this. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I'll copyedit as I go; please revert if I screw anything up.
While making the album, frontman Ben Jorgensen analysed Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon (1973): what's the relevance of this? It doesn't seem to be referred to in what follows.
Jorgensen grew up in a "very scientific environment," which caused him to be influenced by British writer Craig Hamilton-Parker: this isn't what the source says; it doesn't make that connection explicitly.
I still have spotchecks to do, and will do another read-through once we're agreed on the use of quotes. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 19:35, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I've removed the part about Pink Floyd and fixed the scientific environment line. I've cut down/shortened some of the quotes, let me know if you want me to reduce them even more. Yeepsi ( talk) 11:17, 20 February 2018 (UTC)
With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were initially unsure of how to go into the first verse. According to Decicco, Jorgensen came up with a part that he said would be "'really cool'" over the verse sections. He played the part, and expressed that it was "really cool." Decicco called it a riff that he "never expected to hear over it".. This is stilted and odd-sounding (and it's not clear who "He" refers to in "He played the part"). Forget the quotes, and just tell the reader what happened:
With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were unsure how to go into the first verse until Jorgensen came up with a single-note line that both he and Decicco liked. The line was recorded as an overdub using a separate guitar.Other quotes that don't need to be there and could be similiarly paraphrased:
Quotes in the critical reception section tend to be harder to paraphrase and there's more justification, so let's leave those. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 12:29, 20 February 2018 (UTC)
GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
Watch
Reviewer: Mike Christie ( talk · contribs) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I'll review this. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I'll copyedit as I go; please revert if I screw anything up.
While making the album, frontman Ben Jorgensen analysed Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon (1973): what's the relevance of this? It doesn't seem to be referred to in what follows.
Jorgensen grew up in a "very scientific environment," which caused him to be influenced by British writer Craig Hamilton-Parker: this isn't what the source says; it doesn't make that connection explicitly.
I still have spotchecks to do, and will do another read-through once we're agreed on the use of quotes. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 19:35, 18 February 2018 (UTC)
I've removed the part about Pink Floyd and fixed the scientific environment line. I've cut down/shortened some of the quotes, let me know if you want me to reduce them even more. Yeepsi ( talk) 11:17, 20 February 2018 (UTC)
With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were initially unsure of how to go into the first verse. According to Decicco, Jorgensen came up with a part that he said would be "'really cool'" over the verse sections. He played the part, and expressed that it was "really cool." Decicco called it a riff that he "never expected to hear over it".. This is stilted and odd-sounding (and it's not clear who "He" refers to in "He played the part"). Forget the quotes, and just tell the reader what happened:
With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were unsure how to go into the first verse until Jorgensen came up with a single-note line that both he and Decicco liked. The line was recorded as an overdub using a separate guitar.Other quotes that don't need to be there and could be similiarly paraphrased:
Quotes in the critical reception section tend to be harder to paraphrase and there's more justification, so let's leave those. Mike Christie ( talk - contribs - library) 12:29, 20 February 2018 (UTC)