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Reviewer: Aoba47 ( talk · contribs) 05:58, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
As a huge fan of the show, I would love to review this. I am glad to see people working on articles related to the show. Aoba47 ( talk) 05:58, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
Lead
- Add that the episode debuted on Cartoon Network
- For the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would add the roles that Isaak and Jones played in the episode. Something like: “The episode debuted on March 5, 2015 and guest stars Chris Isaak as King Huge and Matt L. Jones as a bear named Seven.” I suggest this just to clarity that the men are not playing themselves on the show. With these changes, you can removed the (voiced by…) in the second paragraph.
- Give some sort of indication on the reasons behind the mixed reviews. Since it is the lead, you do not need to go into great detail, but provide some indication to the reader.
- Add a comma between the words “episode” and “Herpich”
- Change “an Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation Emmy Award” to “a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation”.
a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation
- Change the final sentence to the following to fix problems with sentence structure and flow: (For his work on the episode, Herpich won a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation; this was the series’ third win in the category.)
Plot
- Removed the (voiced by…) as it is redundant.
- Great job with the synopsis; it is direct and maintains an objective tone.
Production
- For the image subtitle, I would add “as Seven” for the same reasons stated in my above comments.
- Image needs an alt.
- I am confused on the second half of the first sentence of the first paragraph. Here, you reference the episode as based on a “story” and the lead mentions the episode was based on an “outline”. This may be a minor comment, but make sure to stay consistent as I read both words as meaning two very different writing processes.
- Remove the comma in front of Steve Wolfhard
Reception
- In the first sentence, say “first aired” and add the network (Cartoon Network).
- For the second sentence say “The episode was viewed by…”
- For the second paragraph, I would add some sort of topic sentence to bring the ideas together such as (Critical reception to the episode was largely mixed.)
- You do not need to put the reference after each sentence. For this paragraph, you only need to use the reference when you are done and moving on to something new (so delete all the citations except for the one in the final sentence). Look at what you do for the following paragraph to see what I mean.
- Fully introduce Andrew Tran. Where is he writing? Where is the review from?
- I would restructure this paragraph and make it clear that these ideas are coming from Tran’s review. Use more author tags (such as “he said…” or “he wrote…”).
- Change “an Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation Emmy Award” to “a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation” as I stated in my previous comments.
- Add an apostrophe after the “s” in “series”
- Change the final sentence to “an Annie Award for Outstanding Achievement, Storyboarding in an Animated TV/Broadcast Production” and make sure to reference this in the lead when you reference the Emmy win.
References
- Great references; for the future, I would encourage you to archive your electronic sources to avoid any dead or broken links in the future
Final comments
- @
Gen. Quon: Great job with this article! I am really impressed with the work put into it and the references. Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review. Once my comments are addressed, this should be a quick and easy pass.
Aoba47 (
talk) 06:33, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
- @ Aoba47:, thank you so much for the review. How do these changes look?-- Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:21, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
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Reviewer: Aoba47 ( talk · contribs) 05:58, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
As a huge fan of the show, I would love to review this. I am glad to see people working on articles related to the show. Aoba47 ( talk) 05:58, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
Lead
- Add that the episode debuted on Cartoon Network
- For the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would add the roles that Isaak and Jones played in the episode. Something like: “The episode debuted on March 5, 2015 and guest stars Chris Isaak as King Huge and Matt L. Jones as a bear named Seven.” I suggest this just to clarity that the men are not playing themselves on the show. With these changes, you can removed the (voiced by…) in the second paragraph.
- Give some sort of indication on the reasons behind the mixed reviews. Since it is the lead, you do not need to go into great detail, but provide some indication to the reader.
- Add a comma between the words “episode” and “Herpich”
- Change “an Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation Emmy Award” to “a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation”.
a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation
- Change the final sentence to the following to fix problems with sentence structure and flow: (For his work on the episode, Herpich won a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation; this was the series’ third win in the category.)
Plot
- Removed the (voiced by…) as it is redundant.
- Great job with the synopsis; it is direct and maintains an objective tone.
Production
- For the image subtitle, I would add “as Seven” for the same reasons stated in my above comments.
- Image needs an alt.
- I am confused on the second half of the first sentence of the first paragraph. Here, you reference the episode as based on a “story” and the lead mentions the episode was based on an “outline”. This may be a minor comment, but make sure to stay consistent as I read both words as meaning two very different writing processes.
- Remove the comma in front of Steve Wolfhard
Reception
- In the first sentence, say “first aired” and add the network (Cartoon Network).
- For the second sentence say “The episode was viewed by…”
- For the second paragraph, I would add some sort of topic sentence to bring the ideas together such as (Critical reception to the episode was largely mixed.)
- You do not need to put the reference after each sentence. For this paragraph, you only need to use the reference when you are done and moving on to something new (so delete all the citations except for the one in the final sentence). Look at what you do for the following paragraph to see what I mean.
- Fully introduce Andrew Tran. Where is he writing? Where is the review from?
- I would restructure this paragraph and make it clear that these ideas are coming from Tran’s review. Use more author tags (such as “he said…” or “he wrote…”).
- Change “an Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation Emmy Award” to “a [[Primetime Emmy Award” for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation” as I stated in my previous comments.
- Add an apostrophe after the “s” in “series”
- Change the final sentence to “an Annie Award for Outstanding Achievement, Storyboarding in an Animated TV/Broadcast Production” and make sure to reference this in the lead when you reference the Emmy win.
References
- Great references; for the future, I would encourage you to archive your electronic sources to avoid any dead or broken links in the future
Final comments
- @
Gen. Quon: Great job with this article! I am really impressed with the work put into it and the references. Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review. Once my comments are addressed, this should be a quick and easy pass.
Aoba47 (
talk) 06:33, 24 May 2016 (UTC)
- @ Aoba47:, thank you so much for the review. How do these changes look?-- Gen. Quon (Talk) 15:21, 24 May 2016 (UTC)