Feel free to revert any of my copyediting if I unintentionally change the meaning.
"inspired by Maria Mitchell's professorship there" I find this phrase a bit strange; perhaps "...undergraduate degree at Vassar college: Rubin felt inspired by
Maria Mitchell, who had been a professor there" which is clearer with respect to the timeline, and the fact that the inspiration derived from Mitchell, and not her employment. Done
Vassar was still an all-women college then, was it not? Worth mentioning? Done
You mention her husband in "education" but he isn't introduced by name until much later; maybe just say "her husband arthur rubin", and that way nothing has to change later. Done
"deviations from Hubble flow" Afraid most laypeople, including myself, do not know what that means. Done
"one of the first observations of deviations from Hubble flow in the motions of 109 galaxies" Juxtaposition of "one of the first" and "109" sounds strange. Maybe "while studying the motions of 109 galaxies, Rubin made one of the first observations of.." or something to that effect. Done
"This data" I'm not sure whether we should use the older convention that "data" is the plural form, or the recent convention of treating it as singular. Done
"because women were not allowed in that area of the university." Yikes!
Should "Staff Member" be capitalized? Was it an official title? Done
"she observed the rotation of galaxies for the first time" Was this her first observation of galactic rotation, or the first observation?
"tacit rule that women were not allowed" not allowed to what? Observe? Enter the building? Apply? Done
"amplify starlight and view astronomical objects that were previously too dim to see." Isn't that pretty much any telescope, though? What's special about this one? Done
link or explain "dark matter haloes." Done
"perspective on the history of the work" what work? Done
I'm not a fan of one sentence paragraphs. Could the NAS sentence be merged somewhere? It might even fit better in "legacy". Moved Done
"pursue their dreams of investigating the universe" somewhat heavy journalistic voice, IMO (small rewrite) Done
I'm not the biggest fan of either one-sentence sections, and I've developed a recent dislike of bulleted lists of awards; they make the page read too much like a resume. At the very least, can we merge "In popular culture" into the legacy, make "awards" a subsection of the same? Also, I won't insist on dealing with the list here, but possibly remove the honor already mentioned, and phrase it as "Rubin received many other awards..." etc etc. Done
Some minor source issues: you have countries in the "location" for some source but not others, and I think it ought to be standardized; too often we give only non-US countries.
Not all the sources have an accessdate. Done
Finally, I don't think the undergrad thesis should be here, especially as you have many refs for that already. removed Done
Totally optional comment: may be nice to have an image of a galaxy in there somewhere; Andromeda, perhaps, with a comment about Rubin studying it.
Okay, hi, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I promise I haven't forgotten about this! I have an exam in an hour and a half and once that's taken care of I will turn my attention to Dr. Rubin.
Keilana (
talk)
16:41, 25 September 2017 (UTC)reply
Feel free to revert any of my copyediting if I unintentionally change the meaning.
"inspired by Maria Mitchell's professorship there" I find this phrase a bit strange; perhaps "...undergraduate degree at Vassar college: Rubin felt inspired by
Maria Mitchell, who had been a professor there" which is clearer with respect to the timeline, and the fact that the inspiration derived from Mitchell, and not her employment. Done
Vassar was still an all-women college then, was it not? Worth mentioning? Done
You mention her husband in "education" but he isn't introduced by name until much later; maybe just say "her husband arthur rubin", and that way nothing has to change later. Done
"deviations from Hubble flow" Afraid most laypeople, including myself, do not know what that means. Done
"one of the first observations of deviations from Hubble flow in the motions of 109 galaxies" Juxtaposition of "one of the first" and "109" sounds strange. Maybe "while studying the motions of 109 galaxies, Rubin made one of the first observations of.." or something to that effect. Done
"This data" I'm not sure whether we should use the older convention that "data" is the plural form, or the recent convention of treating it as singular. Done
"because women were not allowed in that area of the university." Yikes!
Should "Staff Member" be capitalized? Was it an official title? Done
"she observed the rotation of galaxies for the first time" Was this her first observation of galactic rotation, or the first observation?
"tacit rule that women were not allowed" not allowed to what? Observe? Enter the building? Apply? Done
"amplify starlight and view astronomical objects that were previously too dim to see." Isn't that pretty much any telescope, though? What's special about this one? Done
link or explain "dark matter haloes." Done
"perspective on the history of the work" what work? Done
I'm not a fan of one sentence paragraphs. Could the NAS sentence be merged somewhere? It might even fit better in "legacy". Moved Done
"pursue their dreams of investigating the universe" somewhat heavy journalistic voice, IMO (small rewrite) Done
I'm not the biggest fan of either one-sentence sections, and I've developed a recent dislike of bulleted lists of awards; they make the page read too much like a resume. At the very least, can we merge "In popular culture" into the legacy, make "awards" a subsection of the same? Also, I won't insist on dealing with the list here, but possibly remove the honor already mentioned, and phrase it as "Rubin received many other awards..." etc etc. Done
Some minor source issues: you have countries in the "location" for some source but not others, and I think it ought to be standardized; too often we give only non-US countries.
Not all the sources have an accessdate. Done
Finally, I don't think the undergrad thesis should be here, especially as you have many refs for that already. removed Done
Totally optional comment: may be nice to have an image of a galaxy in there somewhere; Andromeda, perhaps, with a comment about Rubin studying it.
Okay, hi, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, I promise I haven't forgotten about this! I have an exam in an hour and a half and once that's taken care of I will turn my attention to Dr. Rubin.
Keilana (
talk)
16:41, 25 September 2017 (UTC)reply