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"Simultaneously, the system was also the most intense tropical cyclone to hit the main island of Luzon since Super Typhoon Patsy of the 1970 season." Shorten to Patsy.
"Due to Ruby's threat to Hong Kong, a "no 3. hurricane signal" was issued, but was dropped on October 27 as the storm receded." Capitalize "No." and add this
link instead.
@
CycloneIsaac and
Yellow Evan: There is more work that needs to be done for this article before it meets GA criteria, namely with the prose. I'll provide further corrections that need to be made tomorrow. ~
Cyclonebiskit (
chat) 06:59, 24 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Yea, I did a quick readthrough and I'm like what was I thinking when I wrote this. I made some short-term changes.
YEPacificHurricane 07:55, 24 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Comments from JC
Since
Cyclonebiskit is having computer trouble, I'll offer some of my own suggestions for improvements. Not sure how far or in-depth I'll get yet, but I'll start from the beginning and add comments as I go along...
The storm steadily intensified as it veered west - "veered" suggests an abrupt change in direction.
In addition to being the strongest typhoon to hit the country since 1970, Ruby also brought widespread damage to the country. - not immediately clear that "the country" refers to the Philippines. Also, a little weird to present widespread damage as an "additional" thing to being the strongest in decades; they would seem to go hand in hand.
Changed the first, and while I agree regarding the second, I'm not sure of something better.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Two sentences in a row start with "elsewhere" making for boring repetition.
Although no deaths occurred within the city limits of Manila, the nation's capital, 11 people perished and 15,000 people lost their homes in the suburb of Marikina. - how do causalities in one place contradict the lack of them in another?
The ferry info in the intro could be presented more clearly. Number of survivors → number of passengers → number of fatalities → number of missing is a really bizarre way of describing a disaster.
shipping incident - "shipping" usually implies industrial transport of goods, and "incident" seems imprecise for an event that might have endangered more than a thousand people.
this total excludes reports of 261 missing. - the most recent source for this was published the day the storm dissipated; has there never been an update?
After doubling checking, it's the best we have with any reasonable context.
YEPacificHurricane 05:13, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
At least 110,000 of the nation's 56 million people were left homeless. - usually for the "x out of the country's y people" format to work, x has to be a significant fraction of y. Seems weird for >0.2%.
Overall, Typhoon Ruby was responsible for 288 lives. - first, storm's can't be responsible for any lives (they're too reckless). Second, if we're still calling the 261 ferry passengers missing after 30 years, that number is probably much too low.
As of 2006, Typhoon Ruby was ranked the twelfth most intense tropical cyclone (in terms of wind speed) to affect the Bicol Region. - for a storm as recent as 1988, I think you either need to update or lose the 2006 superlative.
The system entered the South China Sea the next morning. - it's been several lines since you last mentioned the date. Change to "the morning of of October 25" or the like.
There, five others drowned in floodwaters triggered by flash flooding,[21] resulting in 26,000 displaced from their homes. - five people drowning resulted in 26,000 being displaced?
There, - where? You have four or five sentences starting with "There". It's a little awkward, so I try to avoid that structure more than once or twice in an article.
According to military reports, five people were killed and 40 others were presumed dead when a bus fell under the Sibalom River in the central portion of Panay island after a 300 m (985 ft) bridge under construction collapsed,[27] most of whom were either trapped inside the bus or were swept away by flood waters. - pretty major run-on; not sure how a bus can fall under a river; conversion needs adj=on; and dangling modifier.
Re-wrote, though not much better I think.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
In the capital city of Manila, power was knocked out,[14] numerous landslides occurred,[22] resulting in many downed trees[13][16] and about 6,000 homeless,[16] The city itself suufered widespread flooding[14] but no deaths.[29] - even worse run-on with discordant clauses in abundance. Also, "suufered", and "the city suffered no deaths" is weird wording.
Re-wrote both sentences, but it's not much better I think either.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
The suburb of Marikina, however, sustained the worst impact of all Manila suburbs from the typhoon,[30] where a river overflowed their banks,[18] and 15,000 people were rendered homeless. - dangling participle again, "a river" should be "its" and not "their", "rendered" is poor word choice.
where 24 hour rainfall total exceeded 25 mm (0.98 in). - doesn't fit in with the rest of the line, and probably so insignificant as to not even warrant including at all.
According to reports obtained from the United Press International via the Philippine Coast Guard - should be the other way around. Also, no real need to mention UPI at all, since the actual source is known.
On the other hand, the Coast Guard counted 487 passengers and crew members, although earlier reports suggested the organization recorded 379 passengers and 60 crew members. - does "the organization" mean the USCG? If so, just go with the more official/newer count.
52 people on board that were not officially reported as a passenger or crewmen. - "that" should be "who" and "a passenger or crewmen" needs consistency between singular and plural.
In Almagro, 137 survivors washed onshore on October 25,[43] 120 of which reached shore via either life jackets or life boats. - "washed onshore" wouldn't usually suggest survivors. Also, "which" → "whom", and I'm not sure you can really reach shore "via" a life jacket.
were placed abroad four buses and taken to hospitals or doctor offices for treatment. - "abroad" → "aboard", and you can probably just simplify the whole thing into something like "were transported on four buses to receive medical treatment".
I really think you go into unnecessary detail about the ferry disaster. For the purposes of this article, we don't need to know where and when each passenger was found. It's also probably not worth detailing every conflicting report, even if outdated/debunked. If you do decide not to trim it, the second paragraph on this subject still needs to be overhauled so you don't jump between survivors and causalities so frequently.
Moreover, the USS Blue Ridge found four crewmen of the 90 m (300 ft) Philippine freighter Jet Nann Five, which sank to the south of where the Marilyn sunk, about 12 hours after leaving Cebu City to Mindanao. - "Moreover" usually indicates a fact that further supports a previous argument, not an entirely new subject. For "the Marilyn", full ship name needed and in italics. Also, to which of the three involved ships does "12 hours after leaving Cebu City to Mindanao" refer?
Fifteen of the 19 crewmen were reported as missing, and the four survivors were treated for second-degree sunburn, dehydration, and mild hypothermia. - does this mean the 15 missing sailors were later presumed dead?
On land alone, the Philippine Red Cross reported that 207 people died in the Philippines, which was slightly lower than the agencies earlier reports suggesting a death toll of 233. - 1) Where else would they report except on land? 2) "the agencies" needs grammar check. 3) why bother mentioning outdated reports at all?
Changed, fixed, but I mention the report since it was lower than the previous total, sorta unusual.
Heavy rains resulted in flash floods and increased river levels. - flash floods would imply increased river levels... probably no need to mention both.
Rainfall totaled 17.7 mm (0.70 in) from October 26 to October 31 at Hong Kong's Royal Observatory (HKO), slightly lower than the 33.7 mm (1.33 in) measured in Sai Kung, which was the highest recorded total in the general vicinity of Hong Kong. - they didn't really measure to the tenth of a millimeter, did they? Also, your "slightly lower" is actually about half the amount, and "the general vicinity of Hong Kong" is really weaselly.
In the suburb of Marikina, military helicopters rescued families trapped in trees for several days following the typhoon. - remove "the suburb of" since you've already discussed the location of Marikina. Also, were the rescues ongoing for several days or is that how long the families were trapped?
These are the blatant errors and ambiguities I found on an initial read-through. There are plenty of other instances of clumsy wording where nothing is technically wrong, but improvements would still be beneficial. – Juliancolton |
Talk 02:54, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Thanks for talking an honest and non-half-assed look at this. Greatly appreciated.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
A Commons file used on this page has been nominated for speedy deletion
The following Wikimedia Commons file used on this page has been nominated for speedy deletion:
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Weather, which collaborates on weather and related subjects on Wikipedia. To participate, help improve this article or visit the
project page for details.
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Tambayan Philippines, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of topics related to the
Philippines on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.Tambayan PhilippinesWikipedia:WikiProject Tambayan PhilippinesTemplate:WikiProject Tambayan PhilippinesPhilippine-related articles
"Simultaneously, the system was also the most intense tropical cyclone to hit the main island of Luzon since Super Typhoon Patsy of the 1970 season." Shorten to Patsy.
"Due to Ruby's threat to Hong Kong, a "no 3. hurricane signal" was issued, but was dropped on October 27 as the storm receded." Capitalize "No." and add this
link instead.
@
CycloneIsaac and
Yellow Evan: There is more work that needs to be done for this article before it meets GA criteria, namely with the prose. I'll provide further corrections that need to be made tomorrow. ~
Cyclonebiskit (
chat) 06:59, 24 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Yea, I did a quick readthrough and I'm like what was I thinking when I wrote this. I made some short-term changes.
YEPacificHurricane 07:55, 24 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Comments from JC
Since
Cyclonebiskit is having computer trouble, I'll offer some of my own suggestions for improvements. Not sure how far or in-depth I'll get yet, but I'll start from the beginning and add comments as I go along...
The storm steadily intensified as it veered west - "veered" suggests an abrupt change in direction.
In addition to being the strongest typhoon to hit the country since 1970, Ruby also brought widespread damage to the country. - not immediately clear that "the country" refers to the Philippines. Also, a little weird to present widespread damage as an "additional" thing to being the strongest in decades; they would seem to go hand in hand.
Changed the first, and while I agree regarding the second, I'm not sure of something better.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Two sentences in a row start with "elsewhere" making for boring repetition.
Although no deaths occurred within the city limits of Manila, the nation's capital, 11 people perished and 15,000 people lost their homes in the suburb of Marikina. - how do causalities in one place contradict the lack of them in another?
The ferry info in the intro could be presented more clearly. Number of survivors → number of passengers → number of fatalities → number of missing is a really bizarre way of describing a disaster.
shipping incident - "shipping" usually implies industrial transport of goods, and "incident" seems imprecise for an event that might have endangered more than a thousand people.
this total excludes reports of 261 missing. - the most recent source for this was published the day the storm dissipated; has there never been an update?
After doubling checking, it's the best we have with any reasonable context.
YEPacificHurricane 05:13, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
At least 110,000 of the nation's 56 million people were left homeless. - usually for the "x out of the country's y people" format to work, x has to be a significant fraction of y. Seems weird for >0.2%.
Overall, Typhoon Ruby was responsible for 288 lives. - first, storm's can't be responsible for any lives (they're too reckless). Second, if we're still calling the 261 ferry passengers missing after 30 years, that number is probably much too low.
As of 2006, Typhoon Ruby was ranked the twelfth most intense tropical cyclone (in terms of wind speed) to affect the Bicol Region. - for a storm as recent as 1988, I think you either need to update or lose the 2006 superlative.
The system entered the South China Sea the next morning. - it's been several lines since you last mentioned the date. Change to "the morning of of October 25" or the like.
There, five others drowned in floodwaters triggered by flash flooding,[21] resulting in 26,000 displaced from their homes. - five people drowning resulted in 26,000 being displaced?
There, - where? You have four or five sentences starting with "There". It's a little awkward, so I try to avoid that structure more than once or twice in an article.
According to military reports, five people were killed and 40 others were presumed dead when a bus fell under the Sibalom River in the central portion of Panay island after a 300 m (985 ft) bridge under construction collapsed,[27] most of whom were either trapped inside the bus or were swept away by flood waters. - pretty major run-on; not sure how a bus can fall under a river; conversion needs adj=on; and dangling modifier.
Re-wrote, though not much better I think.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
In the capital city of Manila, power was knocked out,[14] numerous landslides occurred,[22] resulting in many downed trees[13][16] and about 6,000 homeless,[16] The city itself suufered widespread flooding[14] but no deaths.[29] - even worse run-on with discordant clauses in abundance. Also, "suufered", and "the city suffered no deaths" is weird wording.
Re-wrote both sentences, but it's not much better I think either.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
The suburb of Marikina, however, sustained the worst impact of all Manila suburbs from the typhoon,[30] where a river overflowed their banks,[18] and 15,000 people were rendered homeless. - dangling participle again, "a river" should be "its" and not "their", "rendered" is poor word choice.
where 24 hour rainfall total exceeded 25 mm (0.98 in). - doesn't fit in with the rest of the line, and probably so insignificant as to not even warrant including at all.
According to reports obtained from the United Press International via the Philippine Coast Guard - should be the other way around. Also, no real need to mention UPI at all, since the actual source is known.
On the other hand, the Coast Guard counted 487 passengers and crew members, although earlier reports suggested the organization recorded 379 passengers and 60 crew members. - does "the organization" mean the USCG? If so, just go with the more official/newer count.
52 people on board that were not officially reported as a passenger or crewmen. - "that" should be "who" and "a passenger or crewmen" needs consistency between singular and plural.
In Almagro, 137 survivors washed onshore on October 25,[43] 120 of which reached shore via either life jackets or life boats. - "washed onshore" wouldn't usually suggest survivors. Also, "which" → "whom", and I'm not sure you can really reach shore "via" a life jacket.
were placed abroad four buses and taken to hospitals or doctor offices for treatment. - "abroad" → "aboard", and you can probably just simplify the whole thing into something like "were transported on four buses to receive medical treatment".
I really think you go into unnecessary detail about the ferry disaster. For the purposes of this article, we don't need to know where and when each passenger was found. It's also probably not worth detailing every conflicting report, even if outdated/debunked. If you do decide not to trim it, the second paragraph on this subject still needs to be overhauled so you don't jump between survivors and causalities so frequently.
Moreover, the USS Blue Ridge found four crewmen of the 90 m (300 ft) Philippine freighter Jet Nann Five, which sank to the south of where the Marilyn sunk, about 12 hours after leaving Cebu City to Mindanao. - "Moreover" usually indicates a fact that further supports a previous argument, not an entirely new subject. For "the Marilyn", full ship name needed and in italics. Also, to which of the three involved ships does "12 hours after leaving Cebu City to Mindanao" refer?
Fifteen of the 19 crewmen were reported as missing, and the four survivors were treated for second-degree sunburn, dehydration, and mild hypothermia. - does this mean the 15 missing sailors were later presumed dead?
On land alone, the Philippine Red Cross reported that 207 people died in the Philippines, which was slightly lower than the agencies earlier reports suggesting a death toll of 233. - 1) Where else would they report except on land? 2) "the agencies" needs grammar check. 3) why bother mentioning outdated reports at all?
Changed, fixed, but I mention the report since it was lower than the previous total, sorta unusual.
Heavy rains resulted in flash floods and increased river levels. - flash floods would imply increased river levels... probably no need to mention both.
Rainfall totaled 17.7 mm (0.70 in) from October 26 to October 31 at Hong Kong's Royal Observatory (HKO), slightly lower than the 33.7 mm (1.33 in) measured in Sai Kung, which was the highest recorded total in the general vicinity of Hong Kong. - they didn't really measure to the tenth of a millimeter, did they? Also, your "slightly lower" is actually about half the amount, and "the general vicinity of Hong Kong" is really weaselly.
In the suburb of Marikina, military helicopters rescued families trapped in trees for several days following the typhoon. - remove "the suburb of" since you've already discussed the location of Marikina. Also, were the rescues ongoing for several days or is that how long the families were trapped?
These are the blatant errors and ambiguities I found on an initial read-through. There are plenty of other instances of clumsy wording where nothing is technically wrong, but improvements would still be beneficial. – Juliancolton |
Talk 02:54, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
Thanks for talking an honest and non-half-assed look at this. Greatly appreciated.
YEPacificHurricane 05:00, 28 April 2017 (UTC)reply
A Commons file used on this page has been nominated for speedy deletion
The following Wikimedia Commons file used on this page has been nominated for speedy deletion: