The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Golden ( talk · contribs) 19:28, 13 August 2023 (UTC)
I'll be reviewing this article. — Golden talk 19:28, 13 August 2023 (UTC)
Tolui was also the husband of Sorghaghtani Beki- Can we include a brief introduction to Sorghaghtani? For example: "Tolui was also married to the Keraite princess Sorghaghtani Beki."
after her uncle Toghrul's death in 1203- How is this related to Tolui and Sorghaghtani's marriage?
but his distinguished service- The word "but" may not be the best choice here. Perhaps "and" would be a better fit?
early the following year- English is not my first language, so it might just be me, but could you explain what this means?
"Tolui" may have been a title which Genghis intended to replace the pre-imperial epithet "otchigin"- Is a word missing here?
According to the Secret History- I am unsure about shortening work titles like this. Are there any guidelines about this?
This incident probably happened c. 1196- Missing an "in" here.
both Nestorian Christians- No change, just wanted to express my amazement at this fact. [Nestorian] Christianity in 13th century Mongolia? Wow.
During the invasion of the Khwarazmian Empire, which began in 1219, Tolui initially accompanied his father's army, which bypassed the ongoing siege at Otrar to attack the major centres of Transoxiana—the Khwarazmshah's capital Samarkand and its neighbour Bukhara—in early 1220.- Consider splitting this sentence. I recommend something like this: "During the invasion of the Khwarazmian Empire, which began in 1219, Tolui initially accompanied his father's army. They bypassed the ongoing siege at Otrar to attack the major centres of Transoxiana—the Khwarazmshah's capital Samarkand and its neighbour Bukhara—in early 1220."
The following day (25 February)- Is it necessary to include "25 February" here since it is clear from the previous sentence that we were talking about 24 February?
Juvaini- I assume this is Juvayni?
as a final touch- Final touch to what? Getting rid of the bodies?
There has some confusion-> "There is some confusion"
it has been noticed that- This seems unnecessary.
allegedly because of his love for hunting- I'm confused: Did Jochi not attend the funeral because he loved hunting?
prematurely died from a serious illness- Do you mean prematurely in terms of his age, or something else?
possibly exaggerates his role at the coronation.- In what way does it exaggerate? All we have read about the coronation is that Tolui attended it.
including one over Subutai himself- This is the first time we are hearing about Subutai's involvement in this battle, so the word "himself" should be dropped.
Great Khanate- This is the first time we are seeing this term. Does it refer to the Mongol Empire?
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
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Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
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history) ·
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Reviewer: Golden ( talk · contribs) 19:28, 13 August 2023 (UTC)
I'll be reviewing this article. — Golden talk 19:28, 13 August 2023 (UTC)
Tolui was also the husband of Sorghaghtani Beki- Can we include a brief introduction to Sorghaghtani? For example: "Tolui was also married to the Keraite princess Sorghaghtani Beki."
after her uncle Toghrul's death in 1203- How is this related to Tolui and Sorghaghtani's marriage?
but his distinguished service- The word "but" may not be the best choice here. Perhaps "and" would be a better fit?
early the following year- English is not my first language, so it might just be me, but could you explain what this means?
"Tolui" may have been a title which Genghis intended to replace the pre-imperial epithet "otchigin"- Is a word missing here?
According to the Secret History- I am unsure about shortening work titles like this. Are there any guidelines about this?
This incident probably happened c. 1196- Missing an "in" here.
both Nestorian Christians- No change, just wanted to express my amazement at this fact. [Nestorian] Christianity in 13th century Mongolia? Wow.
During the invasion of the Khwarazmian Empire, which began in 1219, Tolui initially accompanied his father's army, which bypassed the ongoing siege at Otrar to attack the major centres of Transoxiana—the Khwarazmshah's capital Samarkand and its neighbour Bukhara—in early 1220.- Consider splitting this sentence. I recommend something like this: "During the invasion of the Khwarazmian Empire, which began in 1219, Tolui initially accompanied his father's army. They bypassed the ongoing siege at Otrar to attack the major centres of Transoxiana—the Khwarazmshah's capital Samarkand and its neighbour Bukhara—in early 1220."
The following day (25 February)- Is it necessary to include "25 February" here since it is clear from the previous sentence that we were talking about 24 February?
Juvaini- I assume this is Juvayni?
as a final touch- Final touch to what? Getting rid of the bodies?
There has some confusion-> "There is some confusion"
it has been noticed that- This seems unnecessary.
allegedly because of his love for hunting- I'm confused: Did Jochi not attend the funeral because he loved hunting?
prematurely died from a serious illness- Do you mean prematurely in terms of his age, or something else?
possibly exaggerates his role at the coronation.- In what way does it exaggerate? All we have read about the coronation is that Tolui attended it.
including one over Subutai himself- This is the first time we are hearing about Subutai's involvement in this battle, so the word "himself" should be dropped.
Great Khanate- This is the first time we are seeing this term. Does it refer to the Mongol Empire?