Hi! I will be reviewing this article for GA. More than two months is too long to wait for a review. Please bear with me as I may be a bit busy for the next few days. Cheers!
Basilisk4u (
talk)
01:12, 30 October 2011 (UTC)reply
Hey, the article is looking pretty good, nice work! I just have a few concerns that should be addressed. I am starting with the prose and I will break it down into sections.
Basilisk4u (
talk)
16:27, 30 October 2011 (UTC)reply
Notes
Lead
"After meeting up with producers Max Martin and Rami in Sweden, the singer started to record several songs for the album" - The "started" to record is not necessary, unless these sessions were not completed in Sweden.
Also, the
Rami link goes to a disambig page. I think that his full name,
Rami Yacoub, should be in the article, unless Rami is his official stage name that people would know him better by.
"It received positive reviews from music critics, who considered the song as innovative" ---> "who described the song as innovative." I think that would be better. Also, innovative in what way? Musically? Lyrically? Clarify that.
"An accompanying music video was directed by Joseph Kahn, who considered it as a departure from Spears' previous music videos." Same here, briefly clarify how this was a departure from her other music videos.
"The concept was entirely created by Spears herself, who wanted to do a dance sequence on a chair, drive in a car and break-up witha boyfriend on it." This sentence is a bit strange. I actually don't think these details are needed in the lead, probably just mentioning that she created the concept is good enough. Also, break-up is a noun, while the verb is without the hyphen.
This is just a curiosity, but has she really only performed the song in two of her concert tours? I would think that being such a popular song she would play it at every concert.
Okay, that is all for the lead :)
Background and composition
"In 1999, Spears started to work on her second studio album" --> began work
"After meeting up with Max Martin and Rami Yacoub in Sweden, the singer started to record several songs for the album" I think it should just be "recorded several songs" since she seemed to have finished songs while in Sweden
"Music critics noticed the song as Spears' declaration of independence, which is perceived in self-empowerment lines such as 'I'm not your property' and 'I don't need nobody', despite not being written by the singer, while they speculated that the song is directed to the singer's record label and her management." This sentence is a bit long. Perhaps break it into two sentences, and I don't think the part about Spears not writing the song is necessary here.
"David Browne of Entertainment Weekly compared "Stronger" to Rolling Stones' "The Last Time" (1965)." What aspect of the song did Browne compare it to?
Stephanie McGrath of Jam! considered the song "the best dance track" of Oops!, while commenting "is it every bit as good as *Nsync's "Bye, Bye, Bye" or The Backstreet Boys' "The One"." ---> "deeming the song "every bit as good as..."
"Kahn revealed that the first thing that came to his mind about the concept was a chair sequence in Janet Jackson's music video for her single "The Pleasure Principle"" --> Kahn revealed that upon hearing Spears' chair idea, he was immediately reminded of Janet Jackson's music video for her single "The Pleasure Principle""
"Then, a giant metal orb was lowered onstage and lifted again to reveal Spears standing behind it, wearing glittery jeans and an orange halter top, while opening the show with a dance-oriented performance of the song." Try to make this into two sentences
"On the episode, McHale's character Artie has a hallucination of "Stronger" in which he is also a member of the football team, during a dental visit." --> "In the episode, McHale's character Artie has a hallucination of himself singing "Stronger" during a dental visit."
Is #3 a book? If so, the book should be put into a Bibliography section and the page number should be in the regular source, see
John Frusciante for an example
It doesn't have to be like that. Look at "
Rehab (Rihanna song)". It also contains a book reference. I have nominated it for FA two times, and nobody ever complained about it.
Okay, no problem
MTV News is published by
Viacom, put that in all MTV News citations
Hi! I will be reviewing this article for GA. More than two months is too long to wait for a review. Please bear with me as I may be a bit busy for the next few days. Cheers!
Basilisk4u (
talk)
01:12, 30 October 2011 (UTC)reply
Hey, the article is looking pretty good, nice work! I just have a few concerns that should be addressed. I am starting with the prose and I will break it down into sections.
Basilisk4u (
talk)
16:27, 30 October 2011 (UTC)reply
Notes
Lead
"After meeting up with producers Max Martin and Rami in Sweden, the singer started to record several songs for the album" - The "started" to record is not necessary, unless these sessions were not completed in Sweden.
Also, the
Rami link goes to a disambig page. I think that his full name,
Rami Yacoub, should be in the article, unless Rami is his official stage name that people would know him better by.
"It received positive reviews from music critics, who considered the song as innovative" ---> "who described the song as innovative." I think that would be better. Also, innovative in what way? Musically? Lyrically? Clarify that.
"An accompanying music video was directed by Joseph Kahn, who considered it as a departure from Spears' previous music videos." Same here, briefly clarify how this was a departure from her other music videos.
"The concept was entirely created by Spears herself, who wanted to do a dance sequence on a chair, drive in a car and break-up witha boyfriend on it." This sentence is a bit strange. I actually don't think these details are needed in the lead, probably just mentioning that she created the concept is good enough. Also, break-up is a noun, while the verb is without the hyphen.
This is just a curiosity, but has she really only performed the song in two of her concert tours? I would think that being such a popular song she would play it at every concert.
Okay, that is all for the lead :)
Background and composition
"In 1999, Spears started to work on her second studio album" --> began work
"After meeting up with Max Martin and Rami Yacoub in Sweden, the singer started to record several songs for the album" I think it should just be "recorded several songs" since she seemed to have finished songs while in Sweden
"Music critics noticed the song as Spears' declaration of independence, which is perceived in self-empowerment lines such as 'I'm not your property' and 'I don't need nobody', despite not being written by the singer, while they speculated that the song is directed to the singer's record label and her management." This sentence is a bit long. Perhaps break it into two sentences, and I don't think the part about Spears not writing the song is necessary here.
"David Browne of Entertainment Weekly compared "Stronger" to Rolling Stones' "The Last Time" (1965)." What aspect of the song did Browne compare it to?
Stephanie McGrath of Jam! considered the song "the best dance track" of Oops!, while commenting "is it every bit as good as *Nsync's "Bye, Bye, Bye" or The Backstreet Boys' "The One"." ---> "deeming the song "every bit as good as..."
"Kahn revealed that the first thing that came to his mind about the concept was a chair sequence in Janet Jackson's music video for her single "The Pleasure Principle"" --> Kahn revealed that upon hearing Spears' chair idea, he was immediately reminded of Janet Jackson's music video for her single "The Pleasure Principle""
"Then, a giant metal orb was lowered onstage and lifted again to reveal Spears standing behind it, wearing glittery jeans and an orange halter top, while opening the show with a dance-oriented performance of the song." Try to make this into two sentences
"On the episode, McHale's character Artie has a hallucination of "Stronger" in which he is also a member of the football team, during a dental visit." --> "In the episode, McHale's character Artie has a hallucination of himself singing "Stronger" during a dental visit."
Is #3 a book? If so, the book should be put into a Bibliography section and the page number should be in the regular source, see
John Frusciante for an example
It doesn't have to be like that. Look at "
Rehab (Rihanna song)". It also contains a book reference. I have nominated it for FA two times, and nobody ever complained about it.
Okay, no problem
MTV News is published by
Viacom, put that in all MTV News citations