"On 3 October 1899 he" - "On 3 October 1899 Davies"
"but was shortly thereafter seconded to" - ". Shortly thereafter, he was seconded to..."
Generally, too much use of "He" and not enough of "Davies"; it's nice to break it up.
"returned home to command the Auckland Military District, but returned to South Africa " - "returned" twice, capitalise the succeeding "colonel" and link brevet for those unaware of military terminology.
Ranks consistified - all now lowercase unless used as part of a name.
"mentioned in despatches" - linked twice.
You might want to mention his lectures; "Universal military training to protect New Zealand", written as part of the Public Sub-Committee for Universal Military Training, for example.
Ironholds (
talk)
19:16, 20 June 2010 (UTC)reply
All done (pretty much) as requested. I'll have a look at expanding his involvement with the military training movement (etc). Need to find some decent sources on early NZ military history, though.
Shimgray |
talk |
22:32, 28 June 2010 (UTC)reply
"On 3 October 1899 he" - "On 3 October 1899 Davies"
"but was shortly thereafter seconded to" - ". Shortly thereafter, he was seconded to..."
Generally, too much use of "He" and not enough of "Davies"; it's nice to break it up.
"returned home to command the Auckland Military District, but returned to South Africa " - "returned" twice, capitalise the succeeding "colonel" and link brevet for those unaware of military terminology.
Ranks consistified - all now lowercase unless used as part of a name.
"mentioned in despatches" - linked twice.
You might want to mention his lectures; "Universal military training to protect New Zealand", written as part of the Public Sub-Committee for Universal Military Training, for example.
Ironholds (
talk)
19:16, 20 June 2010 (UTC)reply
All done (pretty much) as requested. I'll have a look at expanding his involvement with the military training movement (etc). Need to find some decent sources on early NZ military history, though.
Shimgray |
talk |
22:32, 28 June 2010 (UTC)reply