Jumps straight in to his career: I would begin by stating which high school he attended, and any other teams you mention. Which are his school teams and which are other teams? It states a lot of achievements but it is not clear who they were for.
Why not begin with his birthplace and any details about his early life and family? It would make more sense to me if it was here rather than at the end.
Who did he play for in 2004 when he was Rookie of the Year? Who chose him? Why? Presumably he was playing for Princeton, but it should say so in the main body.
Very brief and sketchy details; a short sentence on each season. Needs expanding, if only to make it more readable. What about games he scored/did well in?
Basically, my experience with WP athlete bios is to add college details for important games. Generally, this means post season details and conference championship games. I rarely even read the articles for regular season games to try to find content. In this case, since we are reliant on The New York Times, I have found every article that mentions came up in a search for his name and found all encyclopedic content. There are not many places to look for more content. Basically, the only newspapers that reliably cover college lacrosse are the NYT and the Baltimore Sun. I can try the Sun.--
TonyTheTiger (
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WP:FOUR) 05:47, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
I have added what I could find from the Sun, but there was not much more.--
TonyTheTiger (
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WP:FOUR) 06:50, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Chronology is confusing: why not begin with his first year, details of games, awards; then second yaer, games, awards, etc. Would make it easier to follow.
Some of the Princeton details would make more sense in his college career to give some background to his college sports. The source also gives more details about his parents.
Nothing currently in the article is dead according to the tool in the box at the top of this page.--
TonyTheTiger (
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WP:FOUR) 13:33, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Odd, seems to be working now. Never mind! --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Any info on his playing style or what made him successful?
Prose and lack of comprehensiveness main concerns. Prose is a bare recital of information taken from sources. It needs expanding to make it flow a little more. Comprehensiveness in terms of details of games in each seasons and details of individual games in which he did well (if available).
I'll put this on hold for a week, but it shouldn't be too difficult to sort out. And short length is not enough to stop it passing, but more info is out there, even in the sources you have used. --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 11:37, 17 October 2010 (UTC)reply
OK, happy with all this now. Prose may need a bit of work if you ever take it to FAC and it may need a clean up for jargon, but fine for GAN. Nice work in a short space of time. Passing it now. --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Jumps straight in to his career: I would begin by stating which high school he attended, and any other teams you mention. Which are his school teams and which are other teams? It states a lot of achievements but it is not clear who they were for.
Why not begin with his birthplace and any details about his early life and family? It would make more sense to me if it was here rather than at the end.
Who did he play for in 2004 when he was Rookie of the Year? Who chose him? Why? Presumably he was playing for Princeton, but it should say so in the main body.
Very brief and sketchy details; a short sentence on each season. Needs expanding, if only to make it more readable. What about games he scored/did well in?
Basically, my experience with WP athlete bios is to add college details for important games. Generally, this means post season details and conference championship games. I rarely even read the articles for regular season games to try to find content. In this case, since we are reliant on The New York Times, I have found every article that mentions came up in a search for his name and found all encyclopedic content. There are not many places to look for more content. Basically, the only newspapers that reliably cover college lacrosse are the NYT and the Baltimore Sun. I can try the Sun.--
TonyTheTiger (
T/
C/
BIO/
WP:CHICAGO/
WP:FOUR) 05:47, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
I have added what I could find from the Sun, but there was not much more.--
TonyTheTiger (
T/
C/
BIO/
WP:CHICAGO/
WP:FOUR) 06:50, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Chronology is confusing: why not begin with his first year, details of games, awards; then second yaer, games, awards, etc. Would make it easier to follow.
Some of the Princeton details would make more sense in his college career to give some background to his college sports. The source also gives more details about his parents.
Nothing currently in the article is dead according to the tool in the box at the top of this page.--
TonyTheTiger (
T/
C/
BIO/
WP:CHICAGO/
WP:FOUR) 13:33, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Odd, seems to be working now. Never mind! --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply
Any info on his playing style or what made him successful?
Prose and lack of comprehensiveness main concerns. Prose is a bare recital of information taken from sources. It needs expanding to make it flow a little more. Comprehensiveness in terms of details of games in each seasons and details of individual games in which he did well (if available).
I'll put this on hold for a week, but it shouldn't be too difficult to sort out. And short length is not enough to stop it passing, but more info is out there, even in the sources you have used. --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 11:37, 17 October 2010 (UTC)reply
OK, happy with all this now. Prose may need a bit of work if you ever take it to FAC and it may need a clean up for jargon, but fine for GAN. Nice work in a short space of time. Passing it now. --
Sarastro1 (
talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)reply