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Reviewer: CaroleHenson ( talk · contribs) 06:38, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
Hello, I am happy to perform a review of this article. My approach is to review each section, make minor edits as I go along (links, punctuation, etc.) to save us both time and effort, and then assess the article against GA criteria. Feel free to revert edits that I make if you disagree.–
CaroleHenson (
talk)
06:38, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
Alliluyeva was the youngest of four children, following Anna, Fyodor, and Pavel.[9]would be better following the first sentence in the Youth section: "Alliluyeva was born in Baku in 1901.[10]"?– CaroleHenson ( talk) 07:37, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
The family moved to Moscow in 1904, but were back in Baku in 1906, though to avoid arrest Sergei moved the family again in 1907 to Saint Petersburg, where they would remain.[11]to two sentences: "The family moved to Moscow in 1904, but were back in Baku in 1906. To avoid arrest, Sergei moved the family again in 1907 to Saint Petersburg, where they would remain."?
Exposed to revolutionary activity throughout her youth, Alliluyeva first became a supported of the Bolsheviks while in school.
Her family frequently hosted members at their home, including hiding Vladimir Lenin during the July Days, further confirmed Alliluyeva's stance.[6], what do you think of changing "further confirmed Alliluyeva's stance" to "which further strengthened Alliluyeva's stance"? Or, perhaps "resolve"?
This annoyed Stalin, who wanted his wife to remain at home and quit her work.- unless it causes a copyvio issue, it would be nice to say that he wanted her to "quit her job and remain at home" because that would be the natural progression of things.
Alliluyeva was concerned that if she did not work outside the home, she would not be taken seriously, and desired to be qualified for any role she took up.It's kind of mixing up two thoughts that don't work with the leading phrase.
At the Academy Alliluyeva interacted with students from across the Soviet Union,
Alliluyeva was only six years older than Dzhugashvili, who became her step-son, though the two became friendly to each other.[39]would it be a little crisper to say "Alliluyeva was only six years older than her step-son, Dzhugashvili, with whom she developed a friendly relationship."?
The family in 1921 also took in Artyom Sergeyev, the son of Fyodor Sergeyev, a close friend of Stalin., what do you think about "Also in 1921, the family took in Artyom Sergeyev, the son of Fyodor Sergeyev, a close friend of Stalin's." (i.e., if the words were switched, it would be "Stalin's close friend", so it should be possessive.)
Alliluyeva suspected Stalin was unfaithful and had relationships with other women.... since having an affair would mean he was having relationships with other women, what do you think about "Alliluyeva suspected Stalin was unfaithful with other women."
On several occasions Alliluyeva looked at leaving Stalin and taking the children with her, and in 1926 actually left for a short time, moving to Leningrad. However Stalin called her back, and she returned to stay with him., "actually" is not needed, but "she" would be helpful. What about "On several occasions Alliluyeva looked at leaving Stalin and taking the children with her, and in 1926 she left for a short time, moving to Leningrad. However Stalin called her back, and she returned to stay with him." where "she" replaces "actually".
She also had periods in 1922 and 1923 that saw her have "special rest cures" for "drowsiness and weakness"., what do you think about somelike like "She also had "special rest cures" in 1922 and 1923 for "drowsiness and weakness".?
There are also reports that Alliluyeva had several abortions throughout the 1920s, which was a common method of contraception at the time in the Soviet Union, which may have caused further medical issues.[4][a]to "There are also reports that throughout the 1920s Alliluyeva had several abortions, which was a common method of family planning at the time in the Soviet Union, which may have caused further medical issues.[4][a]"? For this example, I also moved "throughout the 1920s" so that "which was a common method" follows "abortion". There are two "which" used in the sentence. Maybe break off the 2nd which use into its own sentence? Other?
The doctors prescribed 'caffeine' to pep her up. Stalin later blamed the caffeine and he was right: caffeine would have disastrously exacerbated her despair.. As I read and understood the passage it made things worse, but I'm by no means an expert and if you have thoughts on how to better present it I'll certainly take that in. Kaiser matias ( talk) 17:27, 27 April 2020 (UTC)
She suffered with headaches throughout her life and was given caffeine by Soviet doctors to "pep her up", which was not helpful and worsened her emotional health.
the two women walked outside within the Kremlin,I am not understanding both "walked outside" and "within the Kremlin". Perhaps, "within the Kremlin complex"?
The two women walked outside within the Kremlin, discussing the events of the night and agreeing that Stalin was drunk and Alliluyeva's issues with Stalin's supposed affairs.[7], what do you think of "The two women walked outside within the Kremlin, discussing the events of the night, agreeing that Stalin was drunk, and talking about Alliluyeva's issues with Stalin's supposed affairs.[7]" so that there is a third verb?
She ultimately from the Soviet Union in 1967, ..., did you mean to say that "She ultimately emigrated from..."
After her death Stalin upon Svetlana but virtually ignored Vasilyis another or two needed for this sentence?– CaroleHenson ( talk) 18:13, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
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Reviewer: CaroleHenson ( talk · contribs) 06:38, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
Hello, I am happy to perform a review of this article. My approach is to review each section, make minor edits as I go along (links, punctuation, etc.) to save us both time and effort, and then assess the article against GA criteria. Feel free to revert edits that I make if you disagree.–
CaroleHenson (
talk)
06:38, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
Alliluyeva was the youngest of four children, following Anna, Fyodor, and Pavel.[9]would be better following the first sentence in the Youth section: "Alliluyeva was born in Baku in 1901.[10]"?– CaroleHenson ( talk) 07:37, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
The family moved to Moscow in 1904, but were back in Baku in 1906, though to avoid arrest Sergei moved the family again in 1907 to Saint Petersburg, where they would remain.[11]to two sentences: "The family moved to Moscow in 1904, but were back in Baku in 1906. To avoid arrest, Sergei moved the family again in 1907 to Saint Petersburg, where they would remain."?
Exposed to revolutionary activity throughout her youth, Alliluyeva first became a supported of the Bolsheviks while in school.
Her family frequently hosted members at their home, including hiding Vladimir Lenin during the July Days, further confirmed Alliluyeva's stance.[6], what do you think of changing "further confirmed Alliluyeva's stance" to "which further strengthened Alliluyeva's stance"? Or, perhaps "resolve"?
This annoyed Stalin, who wanted his wife to remain at home and quit her work.- unless it causes a copyvio issue, it would be nice to say that he wanted her to "quit her job and remain at home" because that would be the natural progression of things.
Alliluyeva was concerned that if she did not work outside the home, she would not be taken seriously, and desired to be qualified for any role she took up.It's kind of mixing up two thoughts that don't work with the leading phrase.
At the Academy Alliluyeva interacted with students from across the Soviet Union,
Alliluyeva was only six years older than Dzhugashvili, who became her step-son, though the two became friendly to each other.[39]would it be a little crisper to say "Alliluyeva was only six years older than her step-son, Dzhugashvili, with whom she developed a friendly relationship."?
The family in 1921 also took in Artyom Sergeyev, the son of Fyodor Sergeyev, a close friend of Stalin., what do you think about "Also in 1921, the family took in Artyom Sergeyev, the son of Fyodor Sergeyev, a close friend of Stalin's." (i.e., if the words were switched, it would be "Stalin's close friend", so it should be possessive.)
Alliluyeva suspected Stalin was unfaithful and had relationships with other women.... since having an affair would mean he was having relationships with other women, what do you think about "Alliluyeva suspected Stalin was unfaithful with other women."
On several occasions Alliluyeva looked at leaving Stalin and taking the children with her, and in 1926 actually left for a short time, moving to Leningrad. However Stalin called her back, and she returned to stay with him., "actually" is not needed, but "she" would be helpful. What about "On several occasions Alliluyeva looked at leaving Stalin and taking the children with her, and in 1926 she left for a short time, moving to Leningrad. However Stalin called her back, and she returned to stay with him." where "she" replaces "actually".
She also had periods in 1922 and 1923 that saw her have "special rest cures" for "drowsiness and weakness"., what do you think about somelike like "She also had "special rest cures" in 1922 and 1923 for "drowsiness and weakness".?
There are also reports that Alliluyeva had several abortions throughout the 1920s, which was a common method of contraception at the time in the Soviet Union, which may have caused further medical issues.[4][a]to "There are also reports that throughout the 1920s Alliluyeva had several abortions, which was a common method of family planning at the time in the Soviet Union, which may have caused further medical issues.[4][a]"? For this example, I also moved "throughout the 1920s" so that "which was a common method" follows "abortion". There are two "which" used in the sentence. Maybe break off the 2nd which use into its own sentence? Other?
The doctors prescribed 'caffeine' to pep her up. Stalin later blamed the caffeine and he was right: caffeine would have disastrously exacerbated her despair.. As I read and understood the passage it made things worse, but I'm by no means an expert and if you have thoughts on how to better present it I'll certainly take that in. Kaiser matias ( talk) 17:27, 27 April 2020 (UTC)
She suffered with headaches throughout her life and was given caffeine by Soviet doctors to "pep her up", which was not helpful and worsened her emotional health.
the two women walked outside within the Kremlin,I am not understanding both "walked outside" and "within the Kremlin". Perhaps, "within the Kremlin complex"?
The two women walked outside within the Kremlin, discussing the events of the night and agreeing that Stalin was drunk and Alliluyeva's issues with Stalin's supposed affairs.[7], what do you think of "The two women walked outside within the Kremlin, discussing the events of the night, agreeing that Stalin was drunk, and talking about Alliluyeva's issues with Stalin's supposed affairs.[7]" so that there is a third verb?
She ultimately from the Soviet Union in 1967, ..., did you mean to say that "She ultimately emigrated from..."
After her death Stalin upon Svetlana but virtually ignored Vasilyis another or two needed for this sentence?– CaroleHenson ( talk) 18:13, 26 April 2020 (UTC)
GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not) |
---|
|
Overall: |
· · · |