The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Etriusus ( talk · contribs) 20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
@
Llewee:, starting this GA review. Please use the Done template,
strikethrough, or some other means of indicating a problem has been resolved.
Etriusus (
Talk)
20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
Well, Earwig threw a stroke.
"Hughes stated Tustin warned him they would have their children taken from them if he did not go along with it as well."
"...to stand in the hallway for hours on end as a punishment for his supposed misbehaviour."
"This followed a prolonged period..."Just put it in chronological order.
The two separated shortly before..run-on sentance. Later half of the sentance needs to be reworded for a more neutral ton.
Tustin did not mention initially that she had made a suicide attempt in 2013 and her two eldest children had gone to live with their fathers.relevance? Potential POV
Hughes' mother asked that he and Arthur...Sentance is confusing
A social worker went to visit Hughes...run on sentance
General Note The article frankly needs to be run through and reworded to be in a more encyclopedic tone, please see WP:PUFFERY and WP:NOTE. Article gets a bit too in depth about the background, should be condensed and/or clarified. Since multiple people in this story have the last name Hughes, please specify if it's Thomas or Arthur. These are my initial notes, I'm bound to have more. I'll leave the review open for a response, but may have to fail it should since this is going to be a heafty undertaking, especially in a 7 day timeframe. Let me know if you think you can manage it or not. Etriusus ( Talk) 20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
Hi Etriusus, I've tried to work through most of the problems you listed above and tidy up the article more generally. If their are any other issues then I'm off work over the weekend so I probably have time to work on them. Llewee ( talk) 19:02, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
It further provoked discussion about the impact which the COVID-19 pandemic had on the conditions of vulnerable children.Be specific that these concerns were about abuse.
Both Arthur's parents shared custody of him whilst he lived with his mother.This may be a cultural thing, where I'm from, shared custody means the child lives at both homes depending on the week. Was the mother the primary household? If so, please specify. I was also a bit confused by this initially. Sources describe him as living with his mother whilst they both had custody. Parents here and I assume also in Nebraska or the US have a legal right to see their children and be involved in their lives in most circumstances. They probably agreed informally that she would look after Arthur most of the time whilst Thomas Hughes would have continued to have parental rights.
An official at Arthur's school..arguably a run on sentance, if not its a bit awkwardly long.
any mental health problemsWas he taken to a psychiatrist or a regular doc? Specify. The current wording implies a regular doctor which doesn't make sense on why only mental and not physcial problems are mentioned. He was taken to ordinary doctor for behaviour related reasons and then a child psychiatrist.
'Tustin later said she had coached the boys'when did she admit this? the trial? specify.
By the end of the month,This whole sentence reads weird, please reword
either Tustin or Hugheswait, why did Hughes suddenly appear at the hairdressers? Oh, he turned up and swore at Arthur but I left that out.
Comment: Done, I did some fairly heavy copy-editing, so please take a look. The page had an issue with the overuse of pronouns, to the point It was difficult to track who was who. I think I got most of it. Etriusus ( Talk) 04:54, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
* The lead is still too long. 2 paragraphs is enough. Be brief and cover all point equally.
After Arthur's parents separated...Most of this paragraph is excessory info and could easily be condensed to a sentance or 2.
with behaviors including forcing Arthur to spend extended periods isolated from the rest of the household.cut
Arthur's memory was honoured by his favourite team Birmingham City F.C and association football more broadly.cut
comment @ Llewee: coming down the home stretch. The lead needs significant work but everything else I cleaned up on my own.
Hi @ Etriusus:, I've cut the lead down to about two and bit paragraphs. I think the lead is broadly balanced now but their is a limit to how symmetrical it can be.-- Llewee ( talk) 09:58, 18 June 2022 (UTC)
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
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Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
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history) ·
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Reviewer: Etriusus ( talk · contribs) 20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
@
Llewee:, starting this GA review. Please use the Done template,
strikethrough, or some other means of indicating a problem has been resolved.
Etriusus (
Talk)
20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
Well, Earwig threw a stroke.
"Hughes stated Tustin warned him they would have their children taken from them if he did not go along with it as well."
"...to stand in the hallway for hours on end as a punishment for his supposed misbehaviour."
"This followed a prolonged period..."Just put it in chronological order.
The two separated shortly before..run-on sentance. Later half of the sentance needs to be reworded for a more neutral ton.
Tustin did not mention initially that she had made a suicide attempt in 2013 and her two eldest children had gone to live with their fathers.relevance? Potential POV
Hughes' mother asked that he and Arthur...Sentance is confusing
A social worker went to visit Hughes...run on sentance
General Note The article frankly needs to be run through and reworded to be in a more encyclopedic tone, please see WP:PUFFERY and WP:NOTE. Article gets a bit too in depth about the background, should be condensed and/or clarified. Since multiple people in this story have the last name Hughes, please specify if it's Thomas or Arthur. These are my initial notes, I'm bound to have more. I'll leave the review open for a response, but may have to fail it should since this is going to be a heafty undertaking, especially in a 7 day timeframe. Let me know if you think you can manage it or not. Etriusus ( Talk) 20:40, 9 June 2022 (UTC)
Hi Etriusus, I've tried to work through most of the problems you listed above and tidy up the article more generally. If their are any other issues then I'm off work over the weekend so I probably have time to work on them. Llewee ( talk) 19:02, 10 June 2022 (UTC)
It further provoked discussion about the impact which the COVID-19 pandemic had on the conditions of vulnerable children.Be specific that these concerns were about abuse.
Both Arthur's parents shared custody of him whilst he lived with his mother.This may be a cultural thing, where I'm from, shared custody means the child lives at both homes depending on the week. Was the mother the primary household? If so, please specify. I was also a bit confused by this initially. Sources describe him as living with his mother whilst they both had custody. Parents here and I assume also in Nebraska or the US have a legal right to see their children and be involved in their lives in most circumstances. They probably agreed informally that she would look after Arthur most of the time whilst Thomas Hughes would have continued to have parental rights.
An official at Arthur's school..arguably a run on sentance, if not its a bit awkwardly long.
any mental health problemsWas he taken to a psychiatrist or a regular doc? Specify. The current wording implies a regular doctor which doesn't make sense on why only mental and not physcial problems are mentioned. He was taken to ordinary doctor for behaviour related reasons and then a child psychiatrist.
'Tustin later said she had coached the boys'when did she admit this? the trial? specify.
By the end of the month,This whole sentence reads weird, please reword
either Tustin or Hugheswait, why did Hughes suddenly appear at the hairdressers? Oh, he turned up and swore at Arthur but I left that out.
Comment: Done, I did some fairly heavy copy-editing, so please take a look. The page had an issue with the overuse of pronouns, to the point It was difficult to track who was who. I think I got most of it. Etriusus ( Talk) 04:54, 11 June 2022 (UTC)
* The lead is still too long. 2 paragraphs is enough. Be brief and cover all point equally.
After Arthur's parents separated...Most of this paragraph is excessory info and could easily be condensed to a sentance or 2.
with behaviors including forcing Arthur to spend extended periods isolated from the rest of the household.cut
Arthur's memory was honoured by his favourite team Birmingham City F.C and association football more broadly.cut
comment @ Llewee: coming down the home stretch. The lead needs significant work but everything else I cleaned up on my own.
Hi @ Etriusus:, I've cut the lead down to about two and bit paragraphs. I think the lead is broadly balanced now but their is a limit to how symmetrical it can be.-- Llewee ( talk) 09:58, 18 June 2022 (UTC)