The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: BritneyErotica ( talk · contribs) 20:45, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article."? the DYK nomination does not mention any references copy edit issues and the article did not go through "significant additions". the size of the article since March did not increase beyond few bytes FuzzyMagma ( talk) 11:30, 16 August 2023 (UTC)
I had to copyedit the article, because it was simpler to correct minor grammar or punctuation errors than to explain them to you". Regardless of the additions (or lack of), I still noticed that this area needs to be improved (and was by the reviewer to a certain degree). The criteria for GA status and a successful DYK nomination is different, which explains why I've emphasised copy editing and the language used. BritneyErotica ( talk) 14:04, 16 August 2023 (UTC)
Basic grammar (such as full stops) are misplaced." can you give couple of examples please? I could not find any
due to his “deep patriotism, professionalism and high efficiency". and because “there is no person more qualified than him."". An example is the full stop after "efficiency". I will mark this review for a 2nd opinion if that is what you'd like. BritneyErotica ( talk) 04:03, 17 August 2023 (UTC)
It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article." a sentence that is factually wrong from start to end, then I need to push back.
amended
amended
if the page is made, this gets update and the interlanguage link gets removed
amended
amended and name of position was changed from "Professor" to "professor" (no cap, see MOS:CAP
amended
nominated El-Tom for the Ministry of Education. How was he nominated for the Ministry? Is this supposed to be nominated as the Minister?
amended
On 5 September 2019, he was nominated Minister of Education. The inline citations do not support this. It seems to be more appropriate to use "announced as the Minister of Education".
amended to "appointed"
El-Tom, within the Council of Ministers, moved education from the ninth to second position in the pyramid of government spending priorities, which were presented by the former Minister of Finance in charge of the Councilis unsupported from the inline citations. The pyramid of government spending is non-universal terminology, and so I'm unsure if this should be capitalised (e.g., the Pyramid of Government Spending) or should it be "The Sudanese Government's pyramid of spending"? Is it possible to Wikilink this or find a reliable source to the referenced change?
amended by removing "pyramid". Inline citation provided
He provided through donors an amount of $2 for each student per year. I'm unsure how citation [27] supports this unless it's mentioned in the video. I cannot provide an example on how to revise this sentence but I recommend improving it.
Inline citation provided (which was at the end of the whole paragraph was moved to the sentence , seethis
a new Public Education Law and the Private Education Lawwhich needs clarification. Is "Public Education Law" the title of the law? If not, then it should not be capitalised. If it is, then it should be "the new Public Education Law". Similarly, is it "the Private Education Law" or just "a private education law". It is single piece of legislation that is changed or is it several areas (meaning it should be laws and not just law). Please find a reliable source for this information.
As far as I understood the sources it seems like these are the name of laws since why it was caped. reliable sourcesSudan Akhbar and assayha
are included now
yes agreed, sorry for that, now corrected. I added another source where I used Sudan Akhbar but happy to remove the informations sources from it if it is depreciated
He also insisted on implementing the slogan of free education.” I’m a bit confused about whether “slogan” is used correctly here. Is he just insisting on implementing free education? Usually, a slogan would be some sort of catch phrase or similar. The source doesn’t reference explicitly a “slogan”.
He provided through donors an amount of $2 for each student per year” Consider rewording to “Through donors, he provided $2 for each student per year.”
El-Tom enacted a new public education law and the private education law in 2020” Easier to say “El-Tom enacted new public and private education laws in 2020.”
El-Tom proposed giving the students of the College of Education a stipend while studying to raise the acceptance rate for the college, to guarantee the graduation of qualified teachers” Consider rewording to “El-Tom suggested providing a stipend to the students of the College of Education during their studies to enhance the college's enrolment rate and ensure the graduation of competent teachers.”. Also clarify what College of Education is. Is it a specific department in a university?
He planned for the construction exemplary schools, in terms of buildings and content, called the Twenty-First Century Skills Schools, which was funded by international donors.” Potential puffery with the use of “exemplary”. I couldn’t see the source (when translated) use the word either. Consider: “He initiated the construction of schools, named the Twenty-First Century Skills Schools, with a focus on both infrastructure and curriculum. These projects were financed by international donors.”
But in September 2020, the Ministry of Education announced the postponement of the opening of schools, scheduled for the 27th of this month, to 22 November due to the lack of readiness of a large proportion of schools in various states of Sudan, due to the floods, torrents and rains that affected large parts of the country.” Couple of things including explicit mention of the month as “this month” changes frequently. Consider this change in the following: “In September 2020, the Ministry of Education declared a delay in the school opening date, initially set for the 27th of that month, to 22 November. This decision was made in response to the unpreparedness of many schools across different regions of Sudan, which were adversely affected by floods and heavy rainfall.”
El-Tom believed that the general trend, regardless of the subject, is to take into account the student's age and the readiness of his mind to absorb the material” “His” to “their” and it’s explicitly in a quote and referenced as such.
As for what is said about reducing the number of surahs of the Qur’an prescribed at a certain stage and the controversy that arises regarding them, El-Tom explained that choosing a surah for a six-year-old, for example, must be done based on certain goals and his ability to memorise and understand them without effort.” Reword to: “El-Tom addressed the debate about adjusting the number of Qur’an surahs for a specific stage. He clarified that when choosing a surah for a six-year-old, it should align with specific objectives and the child's ability to memorise and understand it effortlessly.”
This task was cared by the National Center for Educational Curricula” Should “cared” be “carried out”?
In particular the painting The Creation of Adam by Renaissance artist Michelangelo which sparked controversy, as it was asserted to be heretical.” Rewrite to: “Specifically, the painting The Creation of Adam by Renaissance artist Michelangelo caused controversy due to claims of it being heretical.”
Around January 2021, social media witnessed several debates between Sudanese about the curricula, as well as the creation of accounts and pages that attack or support Omar Al-Qarai personally” Language could be better like: “In January 2021, discussions about the curricula emerged on social media among Sudanese individuals. Additionally, accounts and pages were created that either criticized or supported Omar Al-Qarai.”
The crisis was exacerbated by the circulation of a video clip of the imam of the mosque, Muhammad Al-Amin Ismail, crying on the Friday's Khutbah, regretting what was stated in the new curricula, before attacking Al-Qarai.” Likewise the language here must be changed as discussed in previous feedback: “The situation intensified when a video clip of the mosque's imam, Muhammad Al-Amin Ismail, became public. In the video, during a Friday's Khutbah, he expressed regret over the content of the new curricula and subsequently voiced criticism of Al-Qarai.”
…led by some imams does not stem from motives to preserve religion” “does” to “do”
Prime Minister Abdallah Hamdouk formed a national committee to review the curricula, to submit its report after two weeks” “…and submit its report…”
The task of the committee is to ensure that each subject has been prepared by a specialised committee, and contributes effectively to achieving the goals of high-quality education. The committee also ensures that the new curriculum adheres to professional and national standards, and that it is teachable.” This doesn’t read in Wikipedia’s tone. Specifically, it feels like it’s not on-topic to the article and is in the wrong tense (present instead of past). Consider shortening it to: “The committee ensured that specialists prepared each subject and that the curriculum met high-quality educational goals, professional and national standards, and was teachable.”
Sudanese Prime Minister Abdallah Hamdouk issued a decision to relieve the ministers of the transitional government from their posts” “posts” to “positions”
The statement indicated that the new formation would not include the name of a minister of education” Capitalise Minister of Education.
prime minister Abdalla Hamdouk” Likewise Prime Minister.
El-Tom considered his exclusion from the ministry through security check a disgrace to his reputation, which caused him "psychological harm"” Consider: “El-Tom considered his exclusion from the ministry due to a failed security check a “disgrace to his reputation”, which caused him "psychological harm".”
He revealed that he had received calls to inquire as to what crime he could have committed, which could have caused him to be excluded from the ministry.” Consider rewording to: “He mentioned that he received calls questioning if he had committed any wrongdoing that might have led to his exclusion from the ministry.”
letter to Hamdouk because Hamadouk sanctioned the new curriculum” Should it be “Hamdok”? Also found in the paragraph below. Please keep consistent spelling of this person’s name.
without deleting any of the verses, and keeping all the units and lessons that were deleted from the mathematics textbooks.” I feel like instead of “deleting” it would be “removing” and “removed”.
Hamdouk then met, in his office, delegations that included Islamic and Christian clerics in the presence of the Minister of Religious Affairs, Nasr al-Din Mufreh, to talk about the initiative to review and reconsider the curriculum that was developed during the period of Omer al-Qarray at the head of the National Curriculum Center.” Reword to something like: “Hamdok met with delegations of Islamic and Christian clerics, alongside the Minister of Religious Affairs, Nasr al-Din Mufreh, to discuss reviewing the curriculum developed under Omer al-Qarray's leadership at the National Curriculum Center.”
Under the 1996 law copyright does not extend to state emblems and symbols or official documents.[1996 Section 6] "Official documents" means the official documents issued by the State or its institution, corporation or unit and which, by virtue of their specialization, are issued for publication to the public, including laws, Presidential or administrative orders, international agreements and judicial judgments, but not including military documents, secret agreements and deliberations of secret sessions in courts or legislative bodies".[1996 Section 3]but all the government website still have copy right tag (see the Republic website for example. So sadly I did not find a free image that won't be immediately contested but removed Hamdouk photo, hopefully this will resolve the search results issue
Rate | Attribute | Review Comment |
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1. Well-written: | ||
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1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct. | Requires significant copy editing. Basic grammar (such as full stops) are misplaced. Much of the reading uses obscure language (such as "duels" in reference to a debate). |
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1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation. | Reassessed after major copy edit. MOS:WTW must be addressed. |
2. Verifiable with no original research: | ||
![]() |
2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline. | |
![]() |
2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose). | Reassessed after major copy edit. Currently looks good. |
![]() |
2c. it contains no original research. | |
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2d. it contains no copyright violations or plagiarism. | |
3. Broad in its coverage: | ||
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3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic. | |
![]() |
3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style). | Will be reassessed after major copy edit. |
![]() |
4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each. | Uses questionable language. For example "attacking" and "fiercely" to describe intense criticism. See MOS:WTW. |
![]() |
5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute. | |
6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio: | ||
![]() |
6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content. | |
![]() |
6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions. | |
![]() |
7. Overall assessment. | I will hold this nomination (although I did consider a quick fail). There are significant failures in Good Article criteria 1. Well-written which contributes to failures in Good Article criteria 3. Neutral (See
WP:GA?). It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article.
If you believe that you may not be able to fully address this feedback, you're more than welcome to request its failure and reach out to the Guild of Copy Editors (See WP:GOCER to submit a request (as soon as possible as they are having an August Copy Editing Blitz ending on the 19th August). |
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: BritneyErotica ( talk · contribs) 20:45, 15 August 2023 (UTC)
It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article."? the DYK nomination does not mention any references copy edit issues and the article did not go through "significant additions". the size of the article since March did not increase beyond few bytes FuzzyMagma ( talk) 11:30, 16 August 2023 (UTC)
I had to copyedit the article, because it was simpler to correct minor grammar or punctuation errors than to explain them to you". Regardless of the additions (or lack of), I still noticed that this area needs to be improved (and was by the reviewer to a certain degree). The criteria for GA status and a successful DYK nomination is different, which explains why I've emphasised copy editing and the language used. BritneyErotica ( talk) 14:04, 16 August 2023 (UTC)
Basic grammar (such as full stops) are misplaced." can you give couple of examples please? I could not find any
due to his “deep patriotism, professionalism and high efficiency". and because “there is no person more qualified than him."". An example is the full stop after "efficiency". I will mark this review for a 2nd opinion if that is what you'd like. BritneyErotica ( talk) 04:03, 17 August 2023 (UTC)
It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article." a sentence that is factually wrong from start to end, then I need to push back.
amended
amended
if the page is made, this gets update and the interlanguage link gets removed
amended
amended and name of position was changed from "Professor" to "professor" (no cap, see MOS:CAP
amended
nominated El-Tom for the Ministry of Education. How was he nominated for the Ministry? Is this supposed to be nominated as the Minister?
amended
On 5 September 2019, he was nominated Minister of Education. The inline citations do not support this. It seems to be more appropriate to use "announced as the Minister of Education".
amended to "appointed"
El-Tom, within the Council of Ministers, moved education from the ninth to second position in the pyramid of government spending priorities, which were presented by the former Minister of Finance in charge of the Councilis unsupported from the inline citations. The pyramid of government spending is non-universal terminology, and so I'm unsure if this should be capitalised (e.g., the Pyramid of Government Spending) or should it be "The Sudanese Government's pyramid of spending"? Is it possible to Wikilink this or find a reliable source to the referenced change?
amended by removing "pyramid". Inline citation provided
He provided through donors an amount of $2 for each student per year. I'm unsure how citation [27] supports this unless it's mentioned in the video. I cannot provide an example on how to revise this sentence but I recommend improving it.
Inline citation provided (which was at the end of the whole paragraph was moved to the sentence , seethis
a new Public Education Law and the Private Education Lawwhich needs clarification. Is "Public Education Law" the title of the law? If not, then it should not be capitalised. If it is, then it should be "the new Public Education Law". Similarly, is it "the Private Education Law" or just "a private education law". It is single piece of legislation that is changed or is it several areas (meaning it should be laws and not just law). Please find a reliable source for this information.
As far as I understood the sources it seems like these are the name of laws since why it was caped. reliable sourcesSudan Akhbar and assayha
are included now
yes agreed, sorry for that, now corrected. I added another source where I used Sudan Akhbar but happy to remove the informations sources from it if it is depreciated
He also insisted on implementing the slogan of free education.” I’m a bit confused about whether “slogan” is used correctly here. Is he just insisting on implementing free education? Usually, a slogan would be some sort of catch phrase or similar. The source doesn’t reference explicitly a “slogan”.
He provided through donors an amount of $2 for each student per year” Consider rewording to “Through donors, he provided $2 for each student per year.”
El-Tom enacted a new public education law and the private education law in 2020” Easier to say “El-Tom enacted new public and private education laws in 2020.”
El-Tom proposed giving the students of the College of Education a stipend while studying to raise the acceptance rate for the college, to guarantee the graduation of qualified teachers” Consider rewording to “El-Tom suggested providing a stipend to the students of the College of Education during their studies to enhance the college's enrolment rate and ensure the graduation of competent teachers.”. Also clarify what College of Education is. Is it a specific department in a university?
He planned for the construction exemplary schools, in terms of buildings and content, called the Twenty-First Century Skills Schools, which was funded by international donors.” Potential puffery with the use of “exemplary”. I couldn’t see the source (when translated) use the word either. Consider: “He initiated the construction of schools, named the Twenty-First Century Skills Schools, with a focus on both infrastructure and curriculum. These projects were financed by international donors.”
But in September 2020, the Ministry of Education announced the postponement of the opening of schools, scheduled for the 27th of this month, to 22 November due to the lack of readiness of a large proportion of schools in various states of Sudan, due to the floods, torrents and rains that affected large parts of the country.” Couple of things including explicit mention of the month as “this month” changes frequently. Consider this change in the following: “In September 2020, the Ministry of Education declared a delay in the school opening date, initially set for the 27th of that month, to 22 November. This decision was made in response to the unpreparedness of many schools across different regions of Sudan, which were adversely affected by floods and heavy rainfall.”
El-Tom believed that the general trend, regardless of the subject, is to take into account the student's age and the readiness of his mind to absorb the material” “His” to “their” and it’s explicitly in a quote and referenced as such.
As for what is said about reducing the number of surahs of the Qur’an prescribed at a certain stage and the controversy that arises regarding them, El-Tom explained that choosing a surah for a six-year-old, for example, must be done based on certain goals and his ability to memorise and understand them without effort.” Reword to: “El-Tom addressed the debate about adjusting the number of Qur’an surahs for a specific stage. He clarified that when choosing a surah for a six-year-old, it should align with specific objectives and the child's ability to memorise and understand it effortlessly.”
This task was cared by the National Center for Educational Curricula” Should “cared” be “carried out”?
In particular the painting The Creation of Adam by Renaissance artist Michelangelo which sparked controversy, as it was asserted to be heretical.” Rewrite to: “Specifically, the painting The Creation of Adam by Renaissance artist Michelangelo caused controversy due to claims of it being heretical.”
Around January 2021, social media witnessed several debates between Sudanese about the curricula, as well as the creation of accounts and pages that attack or support Omar Al-Qarai personally” Language could be better like: “In January 2021, discussions about the curricula emerged on social media among Sudanese individuals. Additionally, accounts and pages were created that either criticized or supported Omar Al-Qarai.”
The crisis was exacerbated by the circulation of a video clip of the imam of the mosque, Muhammad Al-Amin Ismail, crying on the Friday's Khutbah, regretting what was stated in the new curricula, before attacking Al-Qarai.” Likewise the language here must be changed as discussed in previous feedback: “The situation intensified when a video clip of the mosque's imam, Muhammad Al-Amin Ismail, became public. In the video, during a Friday's Khutbah, he expressed regret over the content of the new curricula and subsequently voiced criticism of Al-Qarai.”
…led by some imams does not stem from motives to preserve religion” “does” to “do”
Prime Minister Abdallah Hamdouk formed a national committee to review the curricula, to submit its report after two weeks” “…and submit its report…”
The task of the committee is to ensure that each subject has been prepared by a specialised committee, and contributes effectively to achieving the goals of high-quality education. The committee also ensures that the new curriculum adheres to professional and national standards, and that it is teachable.” This doesn’t read in Wikipedia’s tone. Specifically, it feels like it’s not on-topic to the article and is in the wrong tense (present instead of past). Consider shortening it to: “The committee ensured that specialists prepared each subject and that the curriculum met high-quality educational goals, professional and national standards, and was teachable.”
Sudanese Prime Minister Abdallah Hamdouk issued a decision to relieve the ministers of the transitional government from their posts” “posts” to “positions”
The statement indicated that the new formation would not include the name of a minister of education” Capitalise Minister of Education.
prime minister Abdalla Hamdouk” Likewise Prime Minister.
El-Tom considered his exclusion from the ministry through security check a disgrace to his reputation, which caused him "psychological harm"” Consider: “El-Tom considered his exclusion from the ministry due to a failed security check a “disgrace to his reputation”, which caused him "psychological harm".”
He revealed that he had received calls to inquire as to what crime he could have committed, which could have caused him to be excluded from the ministry.” Consider rewording to: “He mentioned that he received calls questioning if he had committed any wrongdoing that might have led to his exclusion from the ministry.”
letter to Hamdouk because Hamadouk sanctioned the new curriculum” Should it be “Hamdok”? Also found in the paragraph below. Please keep consistent spelling of this person’s name.
without deleting any of the verses, and keeping all the units and lessons that were deleted from the mathematics textbooks.” I feel like instead of “deleting” it would be “removing” and “removed”.
Hamdouk then met, in his office, delegations that included Islamic and Christian clerics in the presence of the Minister of Religious Affairs, Nasr al-Din Mufreh, to talk about the initiative to review and reconsider the curriculum that was developed during the period of Omer al-Qarray at the head of the National Curriculum Center.” Reword to something like: “Hamdok met with delegations of Islamic and Christian clerics, alongside the Minister of Religious Affairs, Nasr al-Din Mufreh, to discuss reviewing the curriculum developed under Omer al-Qarray's leadership at the National Curriculum Center.”
Under the 1996 law copyright does not extend to state emblems and symbols or official documents.[1996 Section 6] "Official documents" means the official documents issued by the State or its institution, corporation or unit and which, by virtue of their specialization, are issued for publication to the public, including laws, Presidential or administrative orders, international agreements and judicial judgments, but not including military documents, secret agreements and deliberations of secret sessions in courts or legislative bodies".[1996 Section 3]but all the government website still have copy right tag (see the Republic website for example. So sadly I did not find a free image that won't be immediately contested but removed Hamdouk photo, hopefully this will resolve the search results issue
Rate | Attribute | Review Comment |
---|---|---|
1. Well-written: | ||
![]() |
1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct. | Requires significant copy editing. Basic grammar (such as full stops) are misplaced. Much of the reading uses obscure language (such as "duels" in reference to a debate). |
![]() |
1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation. | Reassessed after major copy edit. MOS:WTW must be addressed. |
2. Verifiable with no original research: | ||
![]() |
2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline. | |
![]() |
2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose). | Reassessed after major copy edit. Currently looks good. |
![]() |
2c. it contains no original research. | |
![]() |
2d. it contains no copyright violations or plagiarism. | |
3. Broad in its coverage: | ||
![]() |
3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic. | |
![]() |
3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style). | Will be reassessed after major copy edit. |
![]() |
4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each. | Uses questionable language. For example "attacking" and "fiercely" to describe intense criticism. See MOS:WTW. |
![]() |
5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute. | |
6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio: | ||
![]() |
6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content. | |
![]() |
6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions. | |
![]() |
7. Overall assessment. | I will hold this nomination (although I did consider a quick fail). There are significant failures in Good Article criteria 1. Well-written which contributes to failures in Good Article criteria 3. Neutral (See
WP:GA?). It is important to note the previous Did you know nomination in March 2023 references copy edit issues, which have since gotten worse due to significant additions to the article.
If you believe that you may not be able to fully address this feedback, you're more than welcome to request its failure and reach out to the Guild of Copy Editors (See WP:GOCER to submit a request (as soon as possible as they are having an August Copy Editing Blitz ending on the 19th August). |