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Reviewer: Khazar2 ( talk · contribs) 23:53, 3 February 2013 (UTC)
I'll be glad to take this review. In the next few days, I'll do a close readthrough, noting any issues here that I can't easily fix myself, and then go to the criteria checklist. Thanks in advance for your work on this one! -- Khazar2 ( talk) 23:53, 3 February 2013 (UTC)
I won't be able to make it through the full article tonight, so here's some preliminary comments on the early sections. I hope to finish tomorrow. So far this article looks good in terms of completeness and depth of research, and I'm learning a lot reading it. So far my biggest concerns are with clarity in the prose. I've done some copyediting myself as I've gone along for both grammatical and stylistic reasons. Please double-check me to make sure I haven't inadvertently added any new errors, and please revert any changes you disagree with.
Starting a new section since most of the above is addressed, but see the note about quotas.
Though this article is developing well in many respects, it still seems to me far from meeting criterion 1a (clear and concise prose). I skipped ahead in the article to look at a fresh paragraph as an example. [5] The sort of persistent minor errors here included hyphenation (all-Nisei is a compound adjective), tense (" the two Nisei units combine"), redundancy ("combine together"), capitalization ("White officers"), and an unneeded article ("including the liberation of the Dachau"). The phrase "including the liberation of the Dachau concentration camp" should also be clarified--it's not clear what this is being "included" in. (The problem may be the intervening phrase "leading it to be one of the most decorated units in the European Theater"; perhaps this could be broken off into a separate sentence?) As a side note, the section also has a sourcing/minor POV issue in praising the "huge contribution" of the Military Intelligence Service while sourcing to a site that appears to be by veterans of the service (you might consider attributing this opinion in-text). I'm also concerned that a newsletter of the Japanese American Veterans Association might not meet Wikipedia standards for reliable sources--we don't know its standards for fact-checking, and it's not impartial, which are two warning signs. I should emphasize that none of these are a big deal in themselves, and I feel a little petty even mentioning some of the above; the problem is simply the persistence of the issues.
What I'd recommend is submitting this article to Wikipedia:WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors and getting a close edit before resubmitting; that should take care of the biggest issue here, which is the grammar and occasional odd syntax. You might also check in at Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history to see if anyone there would be interested in helping. Less urgently, I'd suggest adding in some of the social context I mentioned above. Though I'm not listing it at this time, I think you've surely got enough for a Good Article here, and that this is well on its way--I'm very grateful for your work on it! -- Khazar2 ( talk) 17:33, 4 February 2013 (UTC)
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Reviewer: Khazar2 ( talk · contribs) 23:53, 3 February 2013 (UTC)
I'll be glad to take this review. In the next few days, I'll do a close readthrough, noting any issues here that I can't easily fix myself, and then go to the criteria checklist. Thanks in advance for your work on this one! -- Khazar2 ( talk) 23:53, 3 February 2013 (UTC)
I won't be able to make it through the full article tonight, so here's some preliminary comments on the early sections. I hope to finish tomorrow. So far this article looks good in terms of completeness and depth of research, and I'm learning a lot reading it. So far my biggest concerns are with clarity in the prose. I've done some copyediting myself as I've gone along for both grammatical and stylistic reasons. Please double-check me to make sure I haven't inadvertently added any new errors, and please revert any changes you disagree with.
Starting a new section since most of the above is addressed, but see the note about quotas.
Though this article is developing well in many respects, it still seems to me far from meeting criterion 1a (clear and concise prose). I skipped ahead in the article to look at a fresh paragraph as an example. [5] The sort of persistent minor errors here included hyphenation (all-Nisei is a compound adjective), tense (" the two Nisei units combine"), redundancy ("combine together"), capitalization ("White officers"), and an unneeded article ("including the liberation of the Dachau"). The phrase "including the liberation of the Dachau concentration camp" should also be clarified--it's not clear what this is being "included" in. (The problem may be the intervening phrase "leading it to be one of the most decorated units in the European Theater"; perhaps this could be broken off into a separate sentence?) As a side note, the section also has a sourcing/minor POV issue in praising the "huge contribution" of the Military Intelligence Service while sourcing to a site that appears to be by veterans of the service (you might consider attributing this opinion in-text). I'm also concerned that a newsletter of the Japanese American Veterans Association might not meet Wikipedia standards for reliable sources--we don't know its standards for fact-checking, and it's not impartial, which are two warning signs. I should emphasize that none of these are a big deal in themselves, and I feel a little petty even mentioning some of the above; the problem is simply the persistence of the issues.
What I'd recommend is submitting this article to Wikipedia:WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors and getting a close edit before resubmitting; that should take care of the biggest issue here, which is the grammar and occasional odd syntax. You might also check in at Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history to see if anyone there would be interested in helping. Less urgently, I'd suggest adding in some of the social context I mentioned above. Though I'm not listing it at this time, I think you've surely got enough for a Good Article here, and that this is well on its way--I'm very grateful for your work on it! -- Khazar2 ( talk) 17:33, 4 February 2013 (UTC)