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Reviewer: Changedforbetter ( talk · contribs) 14:58, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Taking a crack at this! Should be a quick one, this article is definitely one of the best fictional character articles I've seen in quite some time.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 14:58, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Thank you! I will address your comments once you are finished. Aoba47 ( talk) 15:50, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Introduced in a backdoor pilot on the sitcom Girlfriends as Joan Clayton's cousin" – would it perhaps be worth mentioning the title of the character's first episode in this sentence, if there in fact is one? (If it was just called "pilot" then it's not necessary and "backdoor pilot" would do just fine).-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:08, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Added the title. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was primarily characterized through her intelligence." Try "Melanie's intelligence is one of her defining characteristics" perhaps?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:27, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Mowry left the series in 2012 alongside co-star Pooch Hall (Derwin Davis); Hall had received a part on the television crime drama series Ray Donovan and Mowry had disagreed with her character receiving a reduced role due to Derwin's departure." It's a very strong sentence, but I think it would be more effective if Mowry's departure was mentioned first. For example, "Mowry departed the series in 2012 upon learning that her role would be reduced as a result of co-star Pooch Hall's decision to leave The Game in favor of appearing on the crime drama Ray Donovan".-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:27, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was created by producer Mara Brock Akil, who had concerns over whether or not Mowry..." this could probably be separated into two sentences and expounded a little. "Melanie was created by producer Mara Brock Akil. While casting the character, Akil initially questioned whether or not Mowry..."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:34, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "She closely identified with the character, given parallels to her own romance and marriage to actor Cory Hardrict..." possibly try "She closely identified with the character, observing parallels between Melanie's relationship with Derwin and her own marriage to actor Cory Hardrict".-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:39, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Mowry's performance received positive feedback from critics, who felt that she matured as an actress." I know I'm nitpicking at this point and I'm sorry lol, but I think "Mowry's performance received positive feedback from critics, who agreed that the role shows her maturation as an actress."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:43, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- and is "deemed unfit for parenting and forbidden from interacting with the child" – do you know if anyone in particular "deems" her this way? If not, you could probably remove the quotation and say something along the lines of "is considered to be an unfit parent and forced to limit contact between her and the child."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:37, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- It is a rather generic sentence in the source and does not provide much context unfortunately. I have followed your example if that is okay. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:48, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "high-risk pregnancy" is an official medical term, I don't see the need for quotations here.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:38, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Otherwise, this section is solid.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:38, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:48, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "For her audition, Mowry was accompanied by her twin sister Tamera Mowry" - "Mowry's twin sister Tamera Mowry accompanied her to her audition".
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Akil approached them and asked if "their management [was] of my style of writing" - I think there might be a word missing here?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:16, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "When describing the differences between Tia and Tamera's auditions, Akil said that Tia had a more "serious personality" and "made all the necessary adjustments to get this part"." At your discretion, perhaps you could say "Akil said that Tia won the role over Tamera because the former had a more "serious personality" and "made all the necessary adjustments to get this part"."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:49, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
I think that's all for here :-)-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:53, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Thank you! Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was also characterized through her intellect, receiving the nickname "Med School" on the show" – try "Melanie's intellect, one of her defining characteristics, earned her the nickname "Med School"."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:19, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:57, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "...and felt that the romance and struggles with her boyfriend Derwin would be appealing to viewers." Kind of an odd placement here, I think; maybe this would be more appropriate for the Reception section?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:19, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Everything else is good, almost there.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:20, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised and moved. Thank you for the comment! Aoba47 ( talk) 02:57, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Prior to auditioning for the role, Hall had secured permission from The Game's producers and BET executives." I don't think this sentence is necessary, doesn't really have anything to due with Mowry or Melanie.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
That's about it for here.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Removed. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:58, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
This section is pretty much perfect. My only minor gripe would be citing ever actress that Mowry has lost awards to. While there's nothing particularly wrong with doing so, it isn't really necessary either (I usually only do that in the event that the media or award ceremonies make a big deal out of the loss, for example Michelle Pfeiffer losing to Jessica Tandy). But I'll leave that up to you.
- Makes sense to me. I have removed those parts mentioned as it is rather extra. Aoba47 ( talk) 03:00, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
Alight, that's it for me! I'll pass as soon as these comments are addressed. Once again, outstanding article.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- @ Changedforbetter: Thank you for taking time to do the review! I greatly appreciate your comments. I believe that I have addressed everything. I really enjoyed making this article. It was a lot of fun to make an article from the ground-up to this point, especially one that was removed from a past AfD. I hope you have a great day, and good luck with your current projects. Aoba47 ( talk) 03:05, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Passed! Look forward to reading about your next projects.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 03:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Thank you! I always choose something super random lol Aoba47 ( talk) 03:45, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
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Reviewer: Changedforbetter ( talk · contribs) 14:58, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Taking a crack at this! Should be a quick one, this article is definitely one of the best fictional character articles I've seen in quite some time.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 14:58, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Thank you! I will address your comments once you are finished. Aoba47 ( talk) 15:50, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Introduced in a backdoor pilot on the sitcom Girlfriends as Joan Clayton's cousin" – would it perhaps be worth mentioning the title of the character's first episode in this sentence, if there in fact is one? (If it was just called "pilot" then it's not necessary and "backdoor pilot" would do just fine).-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:08, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Added the title. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was primarily characterized through her intelligence." Try "Melanie's intelligence is one of her defining characteristics" perhaps?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:27, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Mowry left the series in 2012 alongside co-star Pooch Hall (Derwin Davis); Hall had received a part on the television crime drama series Ray Donovan and Mowry had disagreed with her character receiving a reduced role due to Derwin's departure." It's a very strong sentence, but I think it would be more effective if Mowry's departure was mentioned first. For example, "Mowry departed the series in 2012 upon learning that her role would be reduced as a result of co-star Pooch Hall's decision to leave The Game in favor of appearing on the crime drama Ray Donovan".-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:27, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was created by producer Mara Brock Akil, who had concerns over whether or not Mowry..." this could probably be separated into two sentences and expounded a little. "Melanie was created by producer Mara Brock Akil. While casting the character, Akil initially questioned whether or not Mowry..."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:34, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "She closely identified with the character, given parallels to her own romance and marriage to actor Cory Hardrict..." possibly try "She closely identified with the character, observing parallels between Melanie's relationship with Derwin and her own marriage to actor Cory Hardrict".-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:39, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Mowry's performance received positive feedback from critics, who felt that she matured as an actress." I know I'm nitpicking at this point and I'm sorry lol, but I think "Mowry's performance received positive feedback from critics, who agreed that the role shows her maturation as an actress."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 15:43, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:46, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- and is "deemed unfit for parenting and forbidden from interacting with the child" – do you know if anyone in particular "deems" her this way? If not, you could probably remove the quotation and say something along the lines of "is considered to be an unfit parent and forced to limit contact between her and the child."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:37, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- It is a rather generic sentence in the source and does not provide much context unfortunately. I have followed your example if that is okay. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:48, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "high-risk pregnancy" is an official medical term, I don't see the need for quotations here.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:38, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Otherwise, this section is solid.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 16:38, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:48, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "For her audition, Mowry was accompanied by her twin sister Tamera Mowry" - "Mowry's twin sister Tamera Mowry accompanied her to her audition".
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Akil approached them and asked if "their management [was] of my style of writing" - I think there might be a word missing here?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:16, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "When describing the differences between Tia and Tamera's auditions, Akil said that Tia had a more "serious personality" and "made all the necessary adjustments to get this part"." At your discretion, perhaps you could say "Akil said that Tia won the role over Tamera because the former had a more "serious personality" and "made all the necessary adjustments to get this part"."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:49, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
I think that's all for here :-)-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 18:53, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Thank you! Aoba47 ( talk) 02:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Melanie was also characterized through her intellect, receiving the nickname "Med School" on the show" – try "Melanie's intellect, one of her defining characteristics, earned her the nickname "Med School"."-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:19, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:57, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "...and felt that the romance and struggles with her boyfriend Derwin would be appealing to viewers." Kind of an odd placement here, I think; maybe this would be more appropriate for the Reception section?-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:19, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
Everything else is good, almost there.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 19:20, 27 September 2017 (UTC)
- Revised and moved. Thank you for the comment! Aoba47 ( talk) 02:57, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- "Prior to auditioning for the role, Hall had secured permission from The Game's producers and BET executives." I don't think this sentence is necessary, doesn't really have anything to due with Mowry or Melanie.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
That's about it for here.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Removed. Aoba47 ( talk) 02:58, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
This section is pretty much perfect. My only minor gripe would be citing ever actress that Mowry has lost awards to. While there's nothing particularly wrong with doing so, it isn't really necessary either (I usually only do that in the event that the media or award ceremonies make a big deal out of the loss, for example Michelle Pfeiffer losing to Jessica Tandy). But I'll leave that up to you.
- Makes sense to me. I have removed those parts mentioned as it is rather extra. Aoba47 ( talk) 03:00, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
Alight, that's it for me! I'll pass as soon as these comments are addressed. Once again, outstanding article.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 01:52, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- @ Changedforbetter: Thank you for taking time to do the review! I greatly appreciate your comments. I believe that I have addressed everything. I really enjoyed making this article. It was a lot of fun to make an article from the ground-up to this point, especially one that was removed from a past AfD. I hope you have a great day, and good luck with your current projects. Aoba47 ( talk) 03:05, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Passed! Look forward to reading about your next projects.-- Changedforbetter ( talk) 03:44, 28 September 2017 (UTC)
- Thank you! I always choose something super random lol Aoba47 ( talk) 03:45, 28 September 2017 (UTC)