The lead ought to be merged into probably just two paragraphs per
WP:LEAD. It's currently four, with the first paragraph just one sentence.
Looks fine now. Just one thing though - you've got five Gyllenhaal's to refer to her. I'd change the last one in each par to just she otherwise it's a bit repetitive.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply
You probably ought to mention her brother in this section. Especially since he is mentioned in the first lines of her career.
Again fine, but the sentence now has "brother" in twice, second time to refer to Donnie Darko. To be honest, I don't think you need to mention Donnie Darko in this par - it's mentioned in the lead, and correctly mentioned in career.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply
"Although impressed with the script, Gyllenhaal initially had some qualms about doing the film, which she believed could deliver an antifeminist message. But after carefully discussing the script with the film's director, Steven Shainberg, she agreed to join the project." This needs referencing. Struck out comment, have undone an edit by an IP. Hopefully okay now?
It won't affect whether a GA pass/fail, but I think this section needs either a copyedit or some tinkering to the format. It isn't clear whether it's in chronological order or arranged by genre, e.g. film, theatre, modelling, etc.
It looks good. I'm not sure it's a bad thing but there are a high number of short paragraphs. I suppose that shows there is plenty of room for expansion and attempt an FAC at some point in the near future.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply
The lead ought to be merged into probably just two paragraphs per
WP:LEAD. It's currently four, with the first paragraph just one sentence.
Looks fine now. Just one thing though - you've got five Gyllenhaal's to refer to her. I'd change the last one in each par to just she otherwise it's a bit repetitive.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply
You probably ought to mention her brother in this section. Especially since he is mentioned in the first lines of her career.
Again fine, but the sentence now has "brother" in twice, second time to refer to Donnie Darko. To be honest, I don't think you need to mention Donnie Darko in this par - it's mentioned in the lead, and correctly mentioned in career.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply
"Although impressed with the script, Gyllenhaal initially had some qualms about doing the film, which she believed could deliver an antifeminist message. But after carefully discussing the script with the film's director, Steven Shainberg, she agreed to join the project." This needs referencing. Struck out comment, have undone an edit by an IP. Hopefully okay now?
It won't affect whether a GA pass/fail, but I think this section needs either a copyedit or some tinkering to the format. It isn't clear whether it's in chronological order or arranged by genre, e.g. film, theatre, modelling, etc.
It looks good. I'm not sure it's a bad thing but there are a high number of short paragraphs. I suppose that shows there is plenty of room for expansion and attempt an FAC at some point in the near future.
Peanut4 (
talk)
15:06, 20 July 2008 (UTC)reply