A number of words needs to be linked: "scrum half", "club rugby", "caps", "amateur golfer", "Newport", "Monmouthshire", "20th Battalion""half-back" and "Royal Fusiliers". Otherwise, this makes unfamiliar readers like me difficult to understand. (These are so unknown that I might have listed links that doesn't make any sense! In that case, I apologize.)
"Born in Newport, Monmouthshire, Phillips was educated at Monmouth Grammar School, leaving to become an architect." the school specification is irrelevant here. About him being an Architect can be kept in some way.
"earning a place in the 1st XV after several players retired or defected to rugby league." this part should be replaced in the Rugby career section.
"during which he developed a famous half-back partnership with Llewellyn Lloyd." what does "partnership" mean here? The sentence should be reworded. If Lloyd was his teammate, it should be mentioned.
Early life
The middle name "Augustus" is not required here. It's optional.
"He was educated at Monmouth Grammar School." reconstruction. This doesn't sound good if there isn't any guardian identity.
"After serving his articles with Huberston and Fawkner, architects, he began practising in 1907." What articles? Are those about architect? What did he began practising?
"That first season was disappointing for Newport, losing seven games,..." the word "that" should be replaced with "the". Furthermore, whose "first" season was this, Newport's or Philip's? This specification is missing.
"...while others had married..." was there a tradition of rugby players to stop playing after marrying? Please mention that as a note. See
WP:FN for more info.
"He began a 'historic' partnership at half back with Llewellyn Lloyd" though there isn't any specification in the source, an explanation about a half-back partnership can be written.
"...were the only 2 players to appear in all 24 matches of the season." change "2" to "two" according to
WP:NUMERAL.
This is usually the case, but when you have more than one number mentioned in the sentence, where one or more are numerals, all should be numerals.
FunkyCanute (
talk)
"..began rebuilding the team" avoid this kind of
jargons. Either make it standard or just remove it.
The captain was
Llewellyn Lloyd, not Lou according to the source. I apologize for neglecting the sentence subject. But in either case, it is an insignificant information that needs removals.
Reference 3,4 and 5 have the same title. Consider including the seasons by year in the titles of the ref. For instance, The 1897-98 Season in the 3rd ref title.
"He was a strong runner and tackled well." it was a remark of his performance before international career mentioned in the newspaper reference. Thus, unnecessary and wrongly sourced.
"His initial selection was principally due to his partnership at Newport with Lloyd, who also made selection for Wales, and had already played in 1896 against Ireland, and against Scotland and Ireland in 1899" trim this sentence.
"The half-back combination was not as good as with Lloyd but worked better than pundits had expected." I don't think its worth to compare with an other player. Thus remove it.
"Welsh Amateur Golfing Champion", not sure if it could be linked, but it has to have support in some way. Same goes with "the Irish Championship in 1913" and "Open Championship in 1914."
I found the supporting page,
Habershon and Fawckner. But here, it's Huberston and Fawkner.
I don't know what you mean by 'supporting page'. The 'support' is the citation to a third party source, not a wikilink. In any case, it might be the same firm, but we can't know for certain without another reference, so the correct thing to do is to follow the source.
FunkyCanute (
talk)
22:27, 8 March 2016 (UTC)reply
Checklist
Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose is "
clear and
concise", without
copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors:
Since the nominator has already started working, I'm keeping this on hold for 7 days. This is the checklist as of now. So far, it is going steadily and up to the mark.
Ikhtiar H (
talk)
11:09, 8 March 2016 (UTC)reply
Promoting this to GA. Mind the gap between good and featured articles if you want to go for GA. Still there's a lot of ways to improve this article. Anyways, it slightly caught the eyes and hope you keep up the good work!
Ikhtiar H (
talk)
04:40, 11 March 2016 (UTC)reply
A number of words needs to be linked: "scrum half", "club rugby", "caps", "amateur golfer", "Newport", "Monmouthshire", "20th Battalion""half-back" and "Royal Fusiliers". Otherwise, this makes unfamiliar readers like me difficult to understand. (These are so unknown that I might have listed links that doesn't make any sense! In that case, I apologize.)
"Born in Newport, Monmouthshire, Phillips was educated at Monmouth Grammar School, leaving to become an architect." the school specification is irrelevant here. About him being an Architect can be kept in some way.
"earning a place in the 1st XV after several players retired or defected to rugby league." this part should be replaced in the Rugby career section.
"during which he developed a famous half-back partnership with Llewellyn Lloyd." what does "partnership" mean here? The sentence should be reworded. If Lloyd was his teammate, it should be mentioned.
Early life
The middle name "Augustus" is not required here. It's optional.
"He was educated at Monmouth Grammar School." reconstruction. This doesn't sound good if there isn't any guardian identity.
"After serving his articles with Huberston and Fawkner, architects, he began practising in 1907." What articles? Are those about architect? What did he began practising?
"That first season was disappointing for Newport, losing seven games,..." the word "that" should be replaced with "the". Furthermore, whose "first" season was this, Newport's or Philip's? This specification is missing.
"...while others had married..." was there a tradition of rugby players to stop playing after marrying? Please mention that as a note. See
WP:FN for more info.
"He began a 'historic' partnership at half back with Llewellyn Lloyd" though there isn't any specification in the source, an explanation about a half-back partnership can be written.
"...were the only 2 players to appear in all 24 matches of the season." change "2" to "two" according to
WP:NUMERAL.
This is usually the case, but when you have more than one number mentioned in the sentence, where one or more are numerals, all should be numerals.
FunkyCanute (
talk)
"..began rebuilding the team" avoid this kind of
jargons. Either make it standard or just remove it.
The captain was
Llewellyn Lloyd, not Lou according to the source. I apologize for neglecting the sentence subject. But in either case, it is an insignificant information that needs removals.
Reference 3,4 and 5 have the same title. Consider including the seasons by year in the titles of the ref. For instance, The 1897-98 Season in the 3rd ref title.
"He was a strong runner and tackled well." it was a remark of his performance before international career mentioned in the newspaper reference. Thus, unnecessary and wrongly sourced.
"His initial selection was principally due to his partnership at Newport with Lloyd, who also made selection for Wales, and had already played in 1896 against Ireland, and against Scotland and Ireland in 1899" trim this sentence.
"The half-back combination was not as good as with Lloyd but worked better than pundits had expected." I don't think its worth to compare with an other player. Thus remove it.
"Welsh Amateur Golfing Champion", not sure if it could be linked, but it has to have support in some way. Same goes with "the Irish Championship in 1913" and "Open Championship in 1914."
I found the supporting page,
Habershon and Fawckner. But here, it's Huberston and Fawkner.
I don't know what you mean by 'supporting page'. The 'support' is the citation to a third party source, not a wikilink. In any case, it might be the same firm, but we can't know for certain without another reference, so the correct thing to do is to follow the source.
FunkyCanute (
talk)
22:27, 8 March 2016 (UTC)reply
Checklist
Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose is "
clear and
concise", without
copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors:
Since the nominator has already started working, I'm keeping this on hold for 7 days. This is the checklist as of now. So far, it is going steadily and up to the mark.
Ikhtiar H (
talk)
11:09, 8 March 2016 (UTC)reply
Promoting this to GA. Mind the gap between good and featured articles if you want to go for GA. Still there's a lot of ways to improve this article. Anyways, it slightly caught the eyes and hope you keep up the good work!
Ikhtiar H (
talk)
04:40, 11 March 2016 (UTC)reply