"Disturbance in coagulation (coagulopathy) is common" you should probably specify coagulopathy means it's a blood thinner because a disturbance is coagulation can also be taken to mean blood clots (just for the laymen who don’t know what coagulopathy means) User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
you should really stay away from medical terms wherever possible. I recommend “it commonly impedes blood clotting (coagulopathy)” or “it commonly acts as a blood thinner (coagulopathy)” or “commonly impedes coagulation which promotes bleeding”. Also remember to change the phrasing in the lead User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)reply
"King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and some patients get a transient anaemia (typified by a fall in serum haemoglobin)" I think this sentence is more medical than it needs to. How about, "King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and can cause red blood cells to rupture, which can lead to anemia" User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
Normally wouldn’t push for this but it’s really overly complicated as it stands. I don’t know why you’d say “serum haemoglobin” instead of just “haemoglobin” since the serum haemoglobin test measures the amount of hemoglobin in your blood. I also don’t know why you’d use “transient” instead of “short-term”
I guess I use the word "transient" commonly so don't see it as jargon, but take you point (changed). agree "serum" is unnecessary in this case and removed. Not sure how to insert "red cell rupture" without it sounding clunky. It is bluelinked...Cas Liber (
talk·contribs)
”King brown snake venom can cause red blood cells to rupture (hemolysis), which can lead to short-term anemia.” You don’t need to say typified by a fall in hemoglobin because it serves to explain what anemia is, and the people who would understand that would already know what anemia is. If you want to explain what anemia is to laymen, say something like “a fall in blood cell count” User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)reply
"They are regarded as straightforward to keep, due to the relatively low toxicity of their venom and low likelihood of biting" vs "Snakes of Medical Importance include those with highly dangerous venom resulting in high rates of morbidity and mortality" User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
Yeah...I guess the author of the book was a little cavalier. Technically their venom is alot less potent (though they inject alot more of it). The word "relaitvely" is an important qualifier, though I reckon I'd be going to the ER if I was bitten by one. My dilemma is if I remove the poison bit then I am changing the basis of the conclusion....Cas Liber (
talk·contribs)
13:42, 15 September 2019 (UTC)reply
"Disturbance in coagulation (coagulopathy) is common" you should probably specify coagulopathy means it's a blood thinner because a disturbance is coagulation can also be taken to mean blood clots (just for the laymen who don’t know what coagulopathy means) User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
you should really stay away from medical terms wherever possible. I recommend “it commonly impedes blood clotting (coagulopathy)” or “it commonly acts as a blood thinner (coagulopathy)” or “commonly impedes coagulation which promotes bleeding”. Also remember to change the phrasing in the lead User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)reply
"King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and some patients get a transient anaemia (typified by a fall in serum haemoglobin)" I think this sentence is more medical than it needs to. How about, "King brown snake venom has some haemolytic activity and can cause red blood cells to rupture, which can lead to anemia" User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
Normally wouldn’t push for this but it’s really overly complicated as it stands. I don’t know why you’d say “serum haemoglobin” instead of just “haemoglobin” since the serum haemoglobin test measures the amount of hemoglobin in your blood. I also don’t know why you’d use “transient” instead of “short-term”
I guess I use the word "transient" commonly so don't see it as jargon, but take you point (changed). agree "serum" is unnecessary in this case and removed. Not sure how to insert "red cell rupture" without it sounding clunky. It is bluelinked...Cas Liber (
talk·contribs)
”King brown snake venom can cause red blood cells to rupture (hemolysis), which can lead to short-term anemia.” You don’t need to say typified by a fall in hemoglobin because it serves to explain what anemia is, and the people who would understand that would already know what anemia is. If you want to explain what anemia is to laymen, say something like “a fall in blood cell count” User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk14:48, 17 September 2019 (UTC)reply
"They are regarded as straightforward to keep, due to the relatively low toxicity of their venom and low likelihood of biting" vs "Snakes of Medical Importance include those with highly dangerous venom resulting in high rates of morbidity and mortality" User:Dunkleosteus77 |
push to talk19:06, 13 September 2019 (UTC)reply
Yeah...I guess the author of the book was a little cavalier. Technically their venom is alot less potent (though they inject alot more of it). The word "relaitvely" is an important qualifier, though I reckon I'd be going to the ER if I was bitten by one. My dilemma is if I remove the poison bit then I am changing the basis of the conclusion....Cas Liber (
talk·contribs)
13:42, 15 September 2019 (UTC)reply