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Reviewer: Kusma ( talk · contribs) 11:46, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
Will take this one, expect comments within the next couple of days. — Kusma ( talk) 11:46, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
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An enjoyable article about an important astronaut. I admit I had not been very aware of her (in contrast to my awareness of Christa McAuliffe since 1986) until about twenty years ago, when a crazy German decided to go for the most insane small plane stunt since Mathias Rust in her honour... (not necessary to add that to the article, just for context). General length and level of coverage seem about right, but I'll make some comments below on what I think could be improved. Neutral, stable, not copyvio. Images are all relevant and appropriately licensed (thanks NASA). I'll start going through the article in detail section by section in a while to comment on prose, content and perhaps sourcing. — Kusma ( talk) 20:35, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
fourth woman in space worldwideI think "overall" is better than "worldwide"; we're talking nationality, not location.
at Carnegie Mellonadd "University" so people who haven't heard of CMU know what you're talking about.
Recognized while still a child for her "intellectual brilliance"this mention of her childhood seems out of place between her PhD and her work as an engineer
research contributions to biomedical engineering as a research fellow of biomedical engineeringtry to say this without repeating both "research" and "biomedical engineering".
Camp Ritchienot in source given (and archiving that source would be nice if possible, for example to avoid the anti-European geoblock).
Her parents were Jewish immigrants originally from Ukraine. She grew up in an observant Jewish home in a familySuggest to put the "immigrants from Ukraine" bit right to the start where you introduce the parents, and to reformulate the other bit, maybe "Her family were observant Jews, and she ..."
She prepared and filed a court caseThat's pretty impressive; do we know at what age?
Letters from her mother were torn up unopeneddo we know who did that? she or her father? Did she ever have contact with her mother again?
She graduated as valedictorian and runner-up homecoming queen ... She graduated from Firestone in 1966combine these two sentences in one.
only 16 women at that time to ever have done sothe "ever" doesn't quite work for me here.
electrical engineeringis a bit repetitive, and Oldak gets introduced more than once. Reorder and condense.
Carnegie Mellon UniversityLooks like she entered shortly before the rename, when it was still the Carnegie Institute of Technology? (At least that's how I read the Haaretz article). I have never heard Carnegie Mellon University abbreviated "Carnegie", but maybe I talk to the wrong kind of people. As far as I know, it's usually "Carnegie Mellon" or "CMU".
She was a member of Tau Beta Pi and Eta Kappa Nucould you tell us a little what these are? Are these honor societies, general purpose sororities, the Jewish sorority or some engineering club?
Bleaching kinetics of visual pigmentslink didn't work for me, and this very much doesn't sound like electrical engineering (it sounds totally like biomedical engineering) but it seems general consensus of the sources (CMU Community News isn't perhaps the best available source for this claim). Do we know who her advisor was? In any case, I've half answered my question by looking at this biography that you might want to check out: it did involve electrical currents in the eye, apparently.
While at RCA, she worked for the Navy ... and later developed for NASA ... An academic paper caught the attention of NASAsort this better. She did the work for the Navy, wrote a paper, this caught the attention of (who?) at NASA and she then developed something for NASA? Or am I misunderstanding the timeline?
She was a senior systems engineer for Xerox Corporation in product developmentit reads as if this was also during her doctorate; if not, could you say when this was? (Looks like it was right after, and she moved to California for it).
Stopping here for now, will continue maybe tomorrow. — Kusma ( talk) 23:23, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
when she didn't become the first American woman in spacemaybe tell us that Sally Ride was the first and when?
robotic arm, which she helped createthis is fascinating; is there more to this story and what she did? According to Canadarm, she worked on software and protocols.
While undergoing the intensive training of the NASA astronaut programThis part is misplaced here.
Resnik's remainsI recall from GA reviewing Space Shuttle Challenger disaster that we seem to know less about hers than any of the others, is that right?
ten finalists to represent OhioNot sure how notable this thing is, but who did she lose to? (It seems implied that she did not win)
I'll leave you with this for the moment and check your responses in a while (starting tomorrow I guess) and then return for a second pass. Overall, more work seems needed than I originally thought: cut some duplication, reorganise a bit more logically, give some missing context, and double check whether citations really support the claims. — Kusma ( talk) 22:16, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
Much improved! I have only very small comments to make.
Her first space flight was the STS-41-Deither "was STS-41-D" or "was the STS-41-D mission" or something.
When she received a promotion at RCA and when she was completed her doctorategrammar, and I think if you could start the sentence with "both" it would better emphasize that this was more than one time.
Seddon said that: "I thought ..."I'd remove the "that" or the colon, but I'm not a native speaker so will shut up if you tell me this is fine.
calling Mullane "Tarzan" and Hawley as "Cheetah"well, either "referring to ... as" both times or remove the "as".
its release ... its belt feed mechanismI was confused for about two seconds until I realized that this is the camera's belt feed mechanism, not the satellite's.
On the third day, ...Is everything in this paragraph on the third day? If not, consider putting the Canadian satellite into the previous paragraph.
A minute late Challenger broke up.I guess this is the shortest description of the Challenger disaster I've ever seen.
a woman who has changed the space industry, has personally contributed innovative technology verified by flight experience and will be recognized through future decades as having created milestones in the development of space as a resource for all humankindis this a quote? It kind of reads like one.
@ User:Hawkeye7: I fixed a few typos, please double check. Overall I think this is very nice now, just needs a few more minor fixes/copyedits as listed above. — Kusma ( talk) 21:08, 20 March 2022 (UTC)
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Reviewer: Kusma ( talk · contribs) 11:46, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
Will take this one, expect comments within the next couple of days. — Kusma ( talk) 11:46, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
|
An enjoyable article about an important astronaut. I admit I had not been very aware of her (in contrast to my awareness of Christa McAuliffe since 1986) until about twenty years ago, when a crazy German decided to go for the most insane small plane stunt since Mathias Rust in her honour... (not necessary to add that to the article, just for context). General length and level of coverage seem about right, but I'll make some comments below on what I think could be improved. Neutral, stable, not copyvio. Images are all relevant and appropriately licensed (thanks NASA). I'll start going through the article in detail section by section in a while to comment on prose, content and perhaps sourcing. — Kusma ( talk) 20:35, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
fourth woman in space worldwideI think "overall" is better than "worldwide"; we're talking nationality, not location.
at Carnegie Mellonadd "University" so people who haven't heard of CMU know what you're talking about.
Recognized while still a child for her "intellectual brilliance"this mention of her childhood seems out of place between her PhD and her work as an engineer
research contributions to biomedical engineering as a research fellow of biomedical engineeringtry to say this without repeating both "research" and "biomedical engineering".
Camp Ritchienot in source given (and archiving that source would be nice if possible, for example to avoid the anti-European geoblock).
Her parents were Jewish immigrants originally from Ukraine. She grew up in an observant Jewish home in a familySuggest to put the "immigrants from Ukraine" bit right to the start where you introduce the parents, and to reformulate the other bit, maybe "Her family were observant Jews, and she ..."
She prepared and filed a court caseThat's pretty impressive; do we know at what age?
Letters from her mother were torn up unopeneddo we know who did that? she or her father? Did she ever have contact with her mother again?
She graduated as valedictorian and runner-up homecoming queen ... She graduated from Firestone in 1966combine these two sentences in one.
only 16 women at that time to ever have done sothe "ever" doesn't quite work for me here.
electrical engineeringis a bit repetitive, and Oldak gets introduced more than once. Reorder and condense.
Carnegie Mellon UniversityLooks like she entered shortly before the rename, when it was still the Carnegie Institute of Technology? (At least that's how I read the Haaretz article). I have never heard Carnegie Mellon University abbreviated "Carnegie", but maybe I talk to the wrong kind of people. As far as I know, it's usually "Carnegie Mellon" or "CMU".
She was a member of Tau Beta Pi and Eta Kappa Nucould you tell us a little what these are? Are these honor societies, general purpose sororities, the Jewish sorority or some engineering club?
Bleaching kinetics of visual pigmentslink didn't work for me, and this very much doesn't sound like electrical engineering (it sounds totally like biomedical engineering) but it seems general consensus of the sources (CMU Community News isn't perhaps the best available source for this claim). Do we know who her advisor was? In any case, I've half answered my question by looking at this biography that you might want to check out: it did involve electrical currents in the eye, apparently.
While at RCA, she worked for the Navy ... and later developed for NASA ... An academic paper caught the attention of NASAsort this better. She did the work for the Navy, wrote a paper, this caught the attention of (who?) at NASA and she then developed something for NASA? Or am I misunderstanding the timeline?
She was a senior systems engineer for Xerox Corporation in product developmentit reads as if this was also during her doctorate; if not, could you say when this was? (Looks like it was right after, and she moved to California for it).
Stopping here for now, will continue maybe tomorrow. — Kusma ( talk) 23:23, 12 March 2022 (UTC)
when she didn't become the first American woman in spacemaybe tell us that Sally Ride was the first and when?
robotic arm, which she helped createthis is fascinating; is there more to this story and what she did? According to Canadarm, she worked on software and protocols.
While undergoing the intensive training of the NASA astronaut programThis part is misplaced here.
Resnik's remainsI recall from GA reviewing Space Shuttle Challenger disaster that we seem to know less about hers than any of the others, is that right?
ten finalists to represent OhioNot sure how notable this thing is, but who did she lose to? (It seems implied that she did not win)
I'll leave you with this for the moment and check your responses in a while (starting tomorrow I guess) and then return for a second pass. Overall, more work seems needed than I originally thought: cut some duplication, reorganise a bit more logically, give some missing context, and double check whether citations really support the claims. — Kusma ( talk) 22:16, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
Much improved! I have only very small comments to make.
Her first space flight was the STS-41-Deither "was STS-41-D" or "was the STS-41-D mission" or something.
When she received a promotion at RCA and when she was completed her doctorategrammar, and I think if you could start the sentence with "both" it would better emphasize that this was more than one time.
Seddon said that: "I thought ..."I'd remove the "that" or the colon, but I'm not a native speaker so will shut up if you tell me this is fine.
calling Mullane "Tarzan" and Hawley as "Cheetah"well, either "referring to ... as" both times or remove the "as".
its release ... its belt feed mechanismI was confused for about two seconds until I realized that this is the camera's belt feed mechanism, not the satellite's.
On the third day, ...Is everything in this paragraph on the third day? If not, consider putting the Canadian satellite into the previous paragraph.
A minute late Challenger broke up.I guess this is the shortest description of the Challenger disaster I've ever seen.
a woman who has changed the space industry, has personally contributed innovative technology verified by flight experience and will be recognized through future decades as having created milestones in the development of space as a resource for all humankindis this a quote? It kind of reads like one.
@ User:Hawkeye7: I fixed a few typos, please double check. Overall I think this is very nice now, just needs a few more minor fixes/copyedits as listed above. — Kusma ( talk) 21:08, 20 March 2022 (UTC)