"He iconically took part in the "Double Post" game", iconically is a big word here and possibly a questionable NPOV.
Done, Changed the sentence to read "He took part in the iconic "Double Post" game against
Portland Timbers in the
2015 MLS Cup Playoffs" (news sources
here and
here to reflect the iconic-ness), although I would be fine with taking it out if you think the NPOV still is threatened.
This game doesn't appear to be mentioned in the main body. Not by the "Double Post" moniker anyway. I would include a mention there if it's going in the lead also.
Kosack (
talk)
08:56, 7 June 2019 (UTC)reply
The final sentence here could probably be merged into the paragraph to avoid a single sentence out on its own. Ref 4 could be moved to the end of the sentence to tidy it up also.
Done, made both recommended adjustments.
Early career
Try to avoid ending paragraphs without a source as it appears as though the information is unsourced. Even for basic stats, a Soccerway profile or similar will be sufficient.
Done for both paragraphs in this section.
2014 – Loan to OKC
End of both paragraphs are seemingly unsourced
Done, sourced through his Soccerway profile (same as the Early career section).
2015 – Loan to San Antonio
Is the image of him taking the decisive penalty in the playoffs? If so, I would go with that as a caption rather than the relatively unrelated number of appearances.
Done, changed to "Kempin missed the decisive penalty in the 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs against Portland Timbers" – let me know if that wording still needs work.
2016 – Loan to Swope Park
End of the first paragraph needs a source.
Done, sourced through his Soccerway profile.
"bouncing between", bit of an informal turn of phrase. Simply moving between would be sufficient perhaps?
Done, changed to read "spent the early part of August moving between Sporting KC and Swope Park".
Loan to LA Galaxy II
More of a query really, but is it actually considered a loan in the US when the player moves to the team's reserve side, i.e. LA Galaxy > LA Galaxy II?
Because of the franchise system, it is, yeah. There's absolutely no negotiation or compensation involved with these loan spells, but for official purposes they are loans. Most of them are "on a match-by-match basis", so the player can be recalled and sent back down throughout the course of the season without issue.
Columbus Crew is linked two paragraphs previously. Repeat links should be avoided per
WP:OVERLINK.
Done, removed the link.
Loan to Hartford
Jimmy Nielsen repeat linked.
Done, removed the link.
Senior career
Again, seemingly no source for the last part of the paragraph.
Done, added references for both of the games in this camp.
References
The USSoccer.com sources appear to have expired and just direct to a news menu screen. Can these be recovered?
Done, recovered all six sources. The USSF just revamped its website, apparently they wiped out all of their old stories unfortunately.
That's all I have, nothing major to worry about. Placed on hold for the time being until the above issues are addressed.
Kosack (
talk)
19:11, 5 June 2019 (UTC)reply
Just about addressed all of your concerns, just one or two points where you still might need to look at the wording of things. Thanks for yet another review of one of my nominations!
21.colinthompson (
talk)
00:03, 7 June 2019 (UTC)reply
"He iconically took part in the "Double Post" game", iconically is a big word here and possibly a questionable NPOV.
Done, Changed the sentence to read "He took part in the iconic "Double Post" game against
Portland Timbers in the
2015 MLS Cup Playoffs" (news sources
here and
here to reflect the iconic-ness), although I would be fine with taking it out if you think the NPOV still is threatened.
This game doesn't appear to be mentioned in the main body. Not by the "Double Post" moniker anyway. I would include a mention there if it's going in the lead also.
Kosack (
talk)
08:56, 7 June 2019 (UTC)reply
The final sentence here could probably be merged into the paragraph to avoid a single sentence out on its own. Ref 4 could be moved to the end of the sentence to tidy it up also.
Done, made both recommended adjustments.
Early career
Try to avoid ending paragraphs without a source as it appears as though the information is unsourced. Even for basic stats, a Soccerway profile or similar will be sufficient.
Done for both paragraphs in this section.
2014 – Loan to OKC
End of both paragraphs are seemingly unsourced
Done, sourced through his Soccerway profile (same as the Early career section).
2015 – Loan to San Antonio
Is the image of him taking the decisive penalty in the playoffs? If so, I would go with that as a caption rather than the relatively unrelated number of appearances.
Done, changed to "Kempin missed the decisive penalty in the 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs against Portland Timbers" – let me know if that wording still needs work.
2016 – Loan to Swope Park
End of the first paragraph needs a source.
Done, sourced through his Soccerway profile.
"bouncing between", bit of an informal turn of phrase. Simply moving between would be sufficient perhaps?
Done, changed to read "spent the early part of August moving between Sporting KC and Swope Park".
Loan to LA Galaxy II
More of a query really, but is it actually considered a loan in the US when the player moves to the team's reserve side, i.e. LA Galaxy > LA Galaxy II?
Because of the franchise system, it is, yeah. There's absolutely no negotiation or compensation involved with these loan spells, but for official purposes they are loans. Most of them are "on a match-by-match basis", so the player can be recalled and sent back down throughout the course of the season without issue.
Columbus Crew is linked two paragraphs previously. Repeat links should be avoided per
WP:OVERLINK.
Done, removed the link.
Loan to Hartford
Jimmy Nielsen repeat linked.
Done, removed the link.
Senior career
Again, seemingly no source for the last part of the paragraph.
Done, added references for both of the games in this camp.
References
The USSoccer.com sources appear to have expired and just direct to a news menu screen. Can these be recovered?
Done, recovered all six sources. The USSF just revamped its website, apparently they wiped out all of their old stories unfortunately.
That's all I have, nothing major to worry about. Placed on hold for the time being until the above issues are addressed.
Kosack (
talk)
19:11, 5 June 2019 (UTC)reply
Just about addressed all of your concerns, just one or two points where you still might need to look at the wording of things. Thanks for yet another review of one of my nominations!
21.colinthompson (
talk)
00:03, 7 June 2019 (UTC)reply