"The Indians called up Kipnis from the minor leagues on July 22, 2011, by picking him in the second round of the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft." - So they called him up to the majors in 2011 by selecting him in 2009?
"Jason Michael Kipnis was born April 3, 1987 in Northbrook, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago,[3][4][5][6] to Mark and Kay Kipnis as their fourth child" - bit of a run-on
"As a freshman at Glenbrook North, Kipnis played soccer, setting the school's single-season goal scoring record with 41, and basketball" - the basketball bit is just tacked on there. I missed it entirely in my first read through. How did he do in basketball?
According to
this, it looks like he just played basketball and soccer as a freshman.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:40, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
College
It would seem that after such a career as an American football player in high school that he would've been recruited to play college football by somebody. Was he? Why did he choose baseball over football?
I couldn't find any info on this.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 02:01, 25 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Why did he redshirt as a freshman?
I couldn't find info on this.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 22:28, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
"He batted .296, was tied for 5th in the league in RBIs (19), and was honored by being named to the Arizona Fall League Rising Stars game, and wrote a blog for MLB.com during his time in the league." Run on
Why is it mentioned that Al Rosen was an MVP? This isn't Rosen's bio, people can click on the link if they want to know more about him
I don't really see this as much of a problem but if you feel it needs to be removed then I can.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:50, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
The 2012 season is woefully inadequate. You have two sentences, each about single games. Surely other things happened in the other 160 games that fit into the story. What were his numbers in 2011? 2012? Is he the starter, or a backup?
Also lacking. Does he have a significant other? Where does he live during the offseason? What else does he do?
I couldn't find anything on this. Mostly just forums which obviously aren't considered reliable.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:47, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
I have addressed all your comments. Let me know if there's anything else I can do!--
Astros4477 (
talk) 02:43, 25 October 2012 (UTC)reply
It's not my review, but "Additionally" followed by his nickname is not related at all to his Jewish ancestry. Since the nickname perhaps allows the reader to better understand his playing style, I would think it would be better placed in the lead or MLB career section. The nickname was not given by a relative, friend, or anything like that. "Outside of baseball" is redundant, as the section is already titled "personal life."
Zepppep (
talk) 01:24, 28 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Feel free to comment on anything, the more help the better. I have removed the additionally wording and the outside of baseball sentence.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 04:09, 28 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Still not liking the lead. It should summarize the individual by hitting all of the important points, while not mentioning some less important points that go in the body. The
intro paragraph should be more of an overview, with less specifics, which can go in the second (and/or third, if there is one) paragraph. Some of the details in the lead are excessive. That the Padres drafted Kipnis, but he did not sign, is not important enough to his bio to include in the lead.
I have removed the non important points in the lead, I hope this has cleared it up. Let me know if there's anything else.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 01:48, 29 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Sorry for the delay, but I will pass this now. My comments have been addressed. –
Muboshgu (
talk) 00:29, 6 November 2012 (UTC)reply
"The Indians called up Kipnis from the minor leagues on July 22, 2011, by picking him in the second round of the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft." - So they called him up to the majors in 2011 by selecting him in 2009?
"Jason Michael Kipnis was born April 3, 1987 in Northbrook, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago,[3][4][5][6] to Mark and Kay Kipnis as their fourth child" - bit of a run-on
"As a freshman at Glenbrook North, Kipnis played soccer, setting the school's single-season goal scoring record with 41, and basketball" - the basketball bit is just tacked on there. I missed it entirely in my first read through. How did he do in basketball?
According to
this, it looks like he just played basketball and soccer as a freshman.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:40, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
College
It would seem that after such a career as an American football player in high school that he would've been recruited to play college football by somebody. Was he? Why did he choose baseball over football?
I couldn't find any info on this.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 02:01, 25 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Why did he redshirt as a freshman?
I couldn't find info on this.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 22:28, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
"He batted .296, was tied for 5th in the league in RBIs (19), and was honored by being named to the Arizona Fall League Rising Stars game, and wrote a blog for MLB.com during his time in the league." Run on
Why is it mentioned that Al Rosen was an MVP? This isn't Rosen's bio, people can click on the link if they want to know more about him
I don't really see this as much of a problem but if you feel it needs to be removed then I can.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:50, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
The 2012 season is woefully inadequate. You have two sentences, each about single games. Surely other things happened in the other 160 games that fit into the story. What were his numbers in 2011? 2012? Is he the starter, or a backup?
Also lacking. Does he have a significant other? Where does he live during the offseason? What else does he do?
I couldn't find anything on this. Mostly just forums which obviously aren't considered reliable.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 21:47, 23 October 2012 (UTC)reply
I have addressed all your comments. Let me know if there's anything else I can do!--
Astros4477 (
talk) 02:43, 25 October 2012 (UTC)reply
It's not my review, but "Additionally" followed by his nickname is not related at all to his Jewish ancestry. Since the nickname perhaps allows the reader to better understand his playing style, I would think it would be better placed in the lead or MLB career section. The nickname was not given by a relative, friend, or anything like that. "Outside of baseball" is redundant, as the section is already titled "personal life."
Zepppep (
talk) 01:24, 28 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Feel free to comment on anything, the more help the better. I have removed the additionally wording and the outside of baseball sentence.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 04:09, 28 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Still not liking the lead. It should summarize the individual by hitting all of the important points, while not mentioning some less important points that go in the body. The
intro paragraph should be more of an overview, with less specifics, which can go in the second (and/or third, if there is one) paragraph. Some of the details in the lead are excessive. That the Padres drafted Kipnis, but he did not sign, is not important enough to his bio to include in the lead.
I have removed the non important points in the lead, I hope this has cleared it up. Let me know if there's anything else.--
Astros4477 (
talk) 01:48, 29 October 2012 (UTC)reply
Sorry for the delay, but I will pass this now. My comments have been addressed. –
Muboshgu (
talk) 00:29, 6 November 2012 (UTC)reply