The prose in the "In Naruto" section is overly detailed and lacks concision. There are also issues of time jumping. An easier solution would be to write the plot per
WP:TENSE. Disregard the flow of the story and instead write it according to the character's timeline. I will do a closer check on the prose once this has been rewritten and squished down completely.
"For his brother's protection, he also threatened to share everything he knew about the village to its enemies in case if the village ever harms Sasuke." Useless lead sentence.
Consistent dating in refs.
Concision improved. I wasn't clear on what I mean by time jumping, my mistake. What I mean was something like the sentence here, "After Itachi's death in Part II, this entire visit to Konoha is revealed to have only been to make sure that the Third's death did not allow the Elders of Konoha to hurt or kill Sasuke.", breaks the flow and can make it hard for readers to follow. Try reorganizing the plot so it begins right at the beginning of Itachi's past; As if the plot followed him and there was no "reveal" after the death.DragonZero (
Talk·Contribs)
09:02, 22 April 2013 (UTC)reply
"Over time, however, Itachi began to distance himself from the clan, and remains consistently hostile towards Sasuke." Is the order here mistaken? I think he begins distancing when they began planning the coup'de etat.
Link Kisame when he is first mentioned.
The second paragraph is inconsistent. It first describes his intrusion to Konoha and his battle with Kakashi, his relationship with Kisame, then back to his intrusion of Konoha.
"Itachi is extremely loyal to Akatsuki, trying to have Kakashi Hatake disposed of for knowing something about the secretive organization." He's a double agent so this is contradicting.
"After his death, he is revealed to have given some of his power in the form of a crow infused with Shisui Uchiha's eye that entered the boy's mouth to remain there until Sasuke attempts to attack Konoha, emerging to compel the younger brother with a Sharingan-based command to protect the village." Why not just say Itachi gives Naruto a crow with Shisui Uchiha's sharingan to subliminally control Sasuke to... Something along those lines. The readers probably don't need to know its in Naruto's mouth and will come out later.
"Amaterasu" technique. Don't link it to the god, link it to
Jutsu (Naruto).
"meant as a fail-safe that would kill Tobi in case he ever approached Sasuke." Vague. Don't forget to link Tobi.
"Izanami". Readers won't know what it is. Explain it the first time its introduced.
"he is also the only Uchiha capable of using "Izanami"" Don't need to know this
Since "Impure World Reincarnation Jutsu" is mentioned in the plot summary, you need to mention at the beginning Itachi was revived for that in order for readers to understand why he starts to "fade".
Itachi appears in Clash of Ninja and Ultimate Ninja. Why is this fact repeated with "Itachi has also been featured in the video game sets of Naruto Shippūden: Gekitou Ninja Taisen EX and Naruto Shippūden: Narutimate Accel."; but this time with its Japanese names.
The Third Hokage was introduced as a protector, then refereed to as the third later on. Confusing for readers.
I think you can remove " Itachi being a member of Akatsuki, also tries to have Kakashi Hatake disposed of for knowing something about the secretive organization. He is also shown taunting Kakashi for not being as strong as he is, but never arrogant." as "After drawing the attention of Konoha's forces " covers that.
Fix URL redirects (IGN and Amazon, etc). You can find them
here.
Check the ref named cold. What's going on here? Why is there a link between the <!-- -->
Same with sci-fi ninja ref in Reception.
Spaces between ref for easier navigation. An example would be what I've done at
Tales of Symphonia.
Use
Template:Multiple image for sharingan. Cut back on description. You have Sharingan linked so. Use something like "Itachi's Sharingan (above) and Mangekyo Sharingan (below)" to caption the multiple image.
The prose in the "In Naruto" section is overly detailed and lacks concision. There are also issues of time jumping. An easier solution would be to write the plot per
WP:TENSE. Disregard the flow of the story and instead write it according to the character's timeline. I will do a closer check on the prose once this has been rewritten and squished down completely.
"For his brother's protection, he also threatened to share everything he knew about the village to its enemies in case if the village ever harms Sasuke." Useless lead sentence.
Consistent dating in refs.
Concision improved. I wasn't clear on what I mean by time jumping, my mistake. What I mean was something like the sentence here, "After Itachi's death in Part II, this entire visit to Konoha is revealed to have only been to make sure that the Third's death did not allow the Elders of Konoha to hurt or kill Sasuke.", breaks the flow and can make it hard for readers to follow. Try reorganizing the plot so it begins right at the beginning of Itachi's past; As if the plot followed him and there was no "reveal" after the death.DragonZero (
Talk·Contribs)
09:02, 22 April 2013 (UTC)reply
"Over time, however, Itachi began to distance himself from the clan, and remains consistently hostile towards Sasuke." Is the order here mistaken? I think he begins distancing when they began planning the coup'de etat.
Link Kisame when he is first mentioned.
The second paragraph is inconsistent. It first describes his intrusion to Konoha and his battle with Kakashi, his relationship with Kisame, then back to his intrusion of Konoha.
"Itachi is extremely loyal to Akatsuki, trying to have Kakashi Hatake disposed of for knowing something about the secretive organization." He's a double agent so this is contradicting.
"After his death, he is revealed to have given some of his power in the form of a crow infused with Shisui Uchiha's eye that entered the boy's mouth to remain there until Sasuke attempts to attack Konoha, emerging to compel the younger brother with a Sharingan-based command to protect the village." Why not just say Itachi gives Naruto a crow with Shisui Uchiha's sharingan to subliminally control Sasuke to... Something along those lines. The readers probably don't need to know its in Naruto's mouth and will come out later.
"Amaterasu" technique. Don't link it to the god, link it to
Jutsu (Naruto).
"meant as a fail-safe that would kill Tobi in case he ever approached Sasuke." Vague. Don't forget to link Tobi.
"Izanami". Readers won't know what it is. Explain it the first time its introduced.
"he is also the only Uchiha capable of using "Izanami"" Don't need to know this
Since "Impure World Reincarnation Jutsu" is mentioned in the plot summary, you need to mention at the beginning Itachi was revived for that in order for readers to understand why he starts to "fade".
Itachi appears in Clash of Ninja and Ultimate Ninja. Why is this fact repeated with "Itachi has also been featured in the video game sets of Naruto Shippūden: Gekitou Ninja Taisen EX and Naruto Shippūden: Narutimate Accel."; but this time with its Japanese names.
The Third Hokage was introduced as a protector, then refereed to as the third later on. Confusing for readers.
I think you can remove " Itachi being a member of Akatsuki, also tries to have Kakashi Hatake disposed of for knowing something about the secretive organization. He is also shown taunting Kakashi for not being as strong as he is, but never arrogant." as "After drawing the attention of Konoha's forces " covers that.
Fix URL redirects (IGN and Amazon, etc). You can find them
here.
Check the ref named cold. What's going on here? Why is there a link between the <!-- -->
Same with sci-fi ninja ref in Reception.
Spaces between ref for easier navigation. An example would be what I've done at
Tales of Symphonia.
Use
Template:Multiple image for sharingan. Cut back on description. You have Sharingan linked so. Use something like "Itachi's Sharingan (above) and Mangekyo Sharingan (below)" to caption the multiple image.