In reference to the hit by Lion on Von der Tann, I think that the fire "obscured" would be clearer than "enveloped," which implies to me that the entire ship caught fire.
That's a better word.
The last sentence of the Jutland section - you might want to change it to "confirming for the crew the preventative value..." or something to that effect. We'd hope that the average reader can figure out that you're not saying the piupiu and tiki had actual magical characteristics, but you never know.
Agreed.
In the Dominion tour section, does the "1/3 of the population" bit refer to the visit in 1913 or 1919? It's unclear right now.
Actually I'm drawing a blank on how to rephrase it as it seems pretty clear to me that the terminal clause applies to the 1913 visit. Care to take a stab?
In reference to the hit by Lion on Von der Tann, I think that the fire "obscured" would be clearer than "enveloped," which implies to me that the entire ship caught fire.
That's a better word.
The last sentence of the Jutland section - you might want to change it to "confirming for the crew the preventative value..." or something to that effect. We'd hope that the average reader can figure out that you're not saying the piupiu and tiki had actual magical characteristics, but you never know.
Agreed.
In the Dominion tour section, does the "1/3 of the population" bit refer to the visit in 1913 or 1919? It's unclear right now.
Actually I'm drawing a blank on how to rephrase it as it seems pretty clear to me that the terminal clause applies to the 1913 visit. Care to take a stab?