"of his tenth studio album" → "from his tenth studio album," and while the fact it is from the album should be kept here, shouldn't the lead single part be its own sentence after the production and contributions/vocals one?
IMO it works better here
"Bowie claimed the song was" → "David said the song was" per
MOS:SAMESURNAME and to avoid using "claimed" twice in this sentence; it is less appropriate when the person making the claim is the performer
I don't think Elvis Presley should be introduced here when he is in the body and most know of him anyway
Both done
Should she be referred to as Angie or Angela?
Former
"in September 1975." → "during September 1975."
"It was co-produced by Bowie" → "The song was co-produced by David Bowie" per his wife being the most recent mentioned
"featured contributions from" → "features contributions from" and are you sure the identities of the musicians should be here when they are already in the body? Potentially as a fix, you could write "on bass", "on drums", etc here.
"of the album's production." → "of Station to Station's production." since "the album" is used too many times by this point
The years of the songs are not notable for the lead, also the term "single" is useless after the Diamonds' when the apostrophe shows the song is theirs
You used "the song" only to refer to "Golden Years" though and influences have been previously mentioned, therefore it won't be confusing when this term is used here. --
K. Peake10:54, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply
"by numerous artists, and appeared in" → "by numerous artists and made appearances in"
Done
Writing and recording
This would be better-titled background and recording, as a lot of the info is background and that is supposed to begin an article
Add release year of the film in brackets
"Bowie's first wife Angie Bowie later claimed David" → "David's first wife Angie Bowie later claimed he" per MOS:SAMESURNAME; use the forename on the first instance in the sentence
Surround 'The Prettiest Star' with single quotation marks per
MOS:QWQ
Rather than topping the charts, shouldn't you write the Billboard Hot 100?
"in September,[9] he → "in September 1975,[9] Bowie"
Above done
"was recruited to play bass." → "was recruited for his instrument."
I don't like that but I agree it's super derivative as is. Would matching the lead be better (i.e. 'on guitar', 'on bass', etc.)? – zmbro(
talk)14:20, 12 November 2021 (UTC)reply
"the majority of the album," → "the majority of Station to Station,"
Done
Composition
Retitle to Composition and lyrics
Change the title of the audio sample to the song's name since you can mention the chorus on the text
"This sample showcases the song's elements of funk" → "An audio sample, showcasing the song's elements of
funk on the
chorus" with the wikilink and pipe
[3] is at the end of the first para's last sentence before [21], but it should also be invoked at the end of the previous one. --
K. Peake10:54, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply
The production sub-heading has a small amount of content; maybe add producer to Bowie's initial roles under personnel and move Harry Maslin to being at the end of the personnel listed?
All done
Chart history
Retitle to Charts, as this title implies there is a detailed history of the song's performance on charts
Done
Weekly charts
Maybe the 2016 chart positions should be in a separate table since there was a reasonable amount of them?
Done
Year-end charts
Good
Cover versions and appearances in media
This section should be the one directly below live performances & subsequent releases
Remove the first sentence since this section existing makes that clear instantly
"Crackerjack! Pegg calls this rendition" → "Crackerjack!. Pegg calls the rendition" since an exclamation mark only works for ending a sentence when it is part of a quote
Yeah ngl I'm kind of embarrassed regarding a few of these. I guess I should go back and check all the other current noms... – zmbro(
talk)18:09, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply
"of his tenth studio album" → "from his tenth studio album," and while the fact it is from the album should be kept here, shouldn't the lead single part be its own sentence after the production and contributions/vocals one?
IMO it works better here
"Bowie claimed the song was" → "David said the song was" per
MOS:SAMESURNAME and to avoid using "claimed" twice in this sentence; it is less appropriate when the person making the claim is the performer
I don't think Elvis Presley should be introduced here when he is in the body and most know of him anyway
Both done
Should she be referred to as Angie or Angela?
Former
"in September 1975." → "during September 1975."
"It was co-produced by Bowie" → "The song was co-produced by David Bowie" per his wife being the most recent mentioned
"featured contributions from" → "features contributions from" and are you sure the identities of the musicians should be here when they are already in the body? Potentially as a fix, you could write "on bass", "on drums", etc here.
"of the album's production." → "of Station to Station's production." since "the album" is used too many times by this point
The years of the songs are not notable for the lead, also the term "single" is useless after the Diamonds' when the apostrophe shows the song is theirs
You used "the song" only to refer to "Golden Years" though and influences have been previously mentioned, therefore it won't be confusing when this term is used here. --
K. Peake10:54, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply
"by numerous artists, and appeared in" → "by numerous artists and made appearances in"
Done
Writing and recording
This would be better-titled background and recording, as a lot of the info is background and that is supposed to begin an article
Add release year of the film in brackets
"Bowie's first wife Angie Bowie later claimed David" → "David's first wife Angie Bowie later claimed he" per MOS:SAMESURNAME; use the forename on the first instance in the sentence
Surround 'The Prettiest Star' with single quotation marks per
MOS:QWQ
Rather than topping the charts, shouldn't you write the Billboard Hot 100?
"in September,[9] he → "in September 1975,[9] Bowie"
Above done
"was recruited to play bass." → "was recruited for his instrument."
I don't like that but I agree it's super derivative as is. Would matching the lead be better (i.e. 'on guitar', 'on bass', etc.)? – zmbro(
talk)14:20, 12 November 2021 (UTC)reply
"the majority of the album," → "the majority of Station to Station,"
Done
Composition
Retitle to Composition and lyrics
Change the title of the audio sample to the song's name since you can mention the chorus on the text
"This sample showcases the song's elements of funk" → "An audio sample, showcasing the song's elements of
funk on the
chorus" with the wikilink and pipe
[3] is at the end of the first para's last sentence before [21], but it should also be invoked at the end of the previous one. --
K. Peake10:54, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply
The production sub-heading has a small amount of content; maybe add producer to Bowie's initial roles under personnel and move Harry Maslin to being at the end of the personnel listed?
All done
Chart history
Retitle to Charts, as this title implies there is a detailed history of the song's performance on charts
Done
Weekly charts
Maybe the 2016 chart positions should be in a separate table since there was a reasonable amount of them?
Done
Year-end charts
Good
Cover versions and appearances in media
This section should be the one directly below live performances & subsequent releases
Remove the first sentence since this section existing makes that clear instantly
"Crackerjack! Pegg calls this rendition" → "Crackerjack!. Pegg calls the rendition" since an exclamation mark only works for ending a sentence when it is part of a quote
Yeah ngl I'm kind of embarrassed regarding a few of these. I guess I should go back and check all the other current noms... – zmbro(
talk)18:09, 13 November 2021 (UTC)reply