The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Adog ( talk · contribs) 03:11, 1 August 2023 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
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I will also take on this GAN for this week. I should be posting my main points on Thursday, August 3, or Saturday, August 5. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 03:11, 1 August 2023 (UTC)
The following are suggestions for the editor-at-large to implement grammar or sentence structure changes. If the suggestions are improper or not appropriate, you may disregard:
The park layout was conceived and built by C. V. Wood,Comma can be removed.
... and Freedomland opened to large crowds on June 19, 1960.
Because of Freedomland's $65 million construction cost, the park faced financial issues at the time of its opening;"the time of" can be omitted.
Site
In mid-1959, Freedomland Inc. leased the site for a 50-year period."50-year period" can be "50 years".
Opening
At 8:30 a.m., Pat Boone conducted the official ribbon-cutting ceremony.
The park had a much smaller crowd on its second day of operation,Comma can be removed.
Each section featured attractions, shops, and restaurants that fit that section's theme.
The arrangement of the property layout resembled a large map of the contiguous United States, fashioned in a manner reminiscent of a movie set.
The programs were designed to be interactive: for instance, children were enlisted to participate in fighting a reenacted Great Chicago Fire.feels out of place at the start of this paragraph. Maybe it could fit in the preceding paragraph between sentences "The park also had its own fire department ..." and "Freedomland hosted a competition for its official hostess ..."? I would also insert "performance programs" here for clarity and omit the next usage of it in the paragraph.
Like at Disneyland, many of Freedomland's attractions received corporate sponsorships, and alcoholic beverages were banned in Freedomland.Comma is probably not needed before "and".
Transportation
Express bus services extended to Manhattan and to the Pelham Bay Park and Gun Hill Road subway stations.
Intra-park transport
The 2 ft (610 mm) Narrow gauge Santa Fe Railroad traveled between the park's Chicago and San Francisco areas.
Little Old New York (1850–1900)
The Little Old New York section was geographically located in the north end of the park, closest to the main entrance, and as such, contained an information booth, stroller rental, and lockers. The section depicted New York City as it appeared in the late 19th century.
Shops included a print shop to purchase vintage-style posters, apothecary shop, glass blower shop ...Missing an "an" before "apothecary" and an "a" before "glass blower".
Unlike in Disneyland, where the shops were connected, the stores were generally separated internally, like actual shops on city streets.
There was also a live street show that included a German band, an 1880s Tammany Hall speech, political pep rally ...Missing an "a" before "political".
Old Chicago
located on the park's western border, south of Old New York.
A kids' section was included, with a junior Santa Fe train, as well as ..."as well as" to "and".
San Francisco
An amphitheater with animal acts and big top stunts ...I assume "big top stunts" is human performer stunts, or animal stunts on a larger scale?
A skim read-through of about half the article for grammar and sentence structure checks. The article looks good! I will pick this up Friday morning or Saturday. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 05:09, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Unbuilt areas and attractions
The developers initially planned to supplement the park with Freedomland Inn, an off-site hotel south of the park, which would have contained between 300 and 600 rooms.
1960 season
At the end of that September, local news media reported that Freedomland had failed to pay the city a 5% amusement tax totaling $148,200, though the unpaid tax was resolved by the following week."$148,200. However, ..."
At one point, local merchants refused to accept checks that Freedomland had issued?
1961 season
At the end of the 1960 season, park operators initially predicted that the park would reopen in May 1961, though the reopening date was postponed by one month."1961. However, ..."
1963 season
an adjacent 258-acre (104 ha) plot in Baychester, and a development in Dunedin Beach, Florida."a" can be removed before "development".
1964 season
Staff members were also told that only Little Old New York, Old Chicago, and Satellite City might be open for 1965 and that the rest of the park would be redeveloped.replace "and that" with "while"?
Bankruptcy
... if it were downsized 30 acres (12 ha), Freedomland estimated that it could possibly earn a $25,000 profit if it were to reopen in 1965.I would omit "possibly" and change "earn" to "make" since earn appears in the first part.
Causes
Disneyland had 6 million guests during 1964 ..."during" for "in"?
Redevelopment
... Bay Plaza Shopping Center was constructed on the land occupied by five additional themed areas of the park."areas of the park" to "park areas"?
Freedomland in general received negative attention from members of the media.Commas for "in general" or start the sentence with "In general, Freedomland ..."
reactions to Freedomland were noted to provoke either "ridicule or apathy."?
The proposal shared a strong resemblance with the Freedomland concept ...
Site
As a result, Co-op City residents proposed changing the lot's zoning to a standard commercial use."a" might be redundant here, or maybe not. I am not too sure I can read it either way, but it could be proper with or without it.
Attractions moved to other parks
... Danny the Dragon, interior diorama of the Mine Caverns ...I would add "an" before "interior".
Historical commemoration
Acorn Press published two books in the Images of America series;?
I will read through the article thoroughly in a bit, might take an hour.
Adog (
Talk・
Cont) 13:21, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Addendum: Gonna be more than an hour; something non-urgent but piqued my interest came up.
Adog (
Talk・
Cont)
14:06, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Apologies for the delay. Multiple factors, including fatigue, job pass up, and having to fix something. But the last three notes I have are:
@ Epicgenius: That is about it from me. The article looks good! Almost ready for a pass. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 01:53, 5 August 2023 (UTC)
The article cites a variety of reliable sources, with the layout of the references proper. Earwig does not pick up a copyright violation. The largest being around 20% but is properly quoted within the article. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 13:21, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Images are freely licensed and properly filed. The paperwork is good. Images are relevant to the article. I only wish there was an image of the park itself. Maybe there are not many images of it. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 13:01, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA toolbox |
---|
Reviewing |
Article (
|
visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
|
history) ·
Watch
Reviewer: Adog ( talk · contribs) 03:11, 1 August 2023 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
|
I will also take on this GAN for this week. I should be posting my main points on Thursday, August 3, or Saturday, August 5. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 03:11, 1 August 2023 (UTC)
The following are suggestions for the editor-at-large to implement grammar or sentence structure changes. If the suggestions are improper or not appropriate, you may disregard:
The park layout was conceived and built by C. V. Wood,Comma can be removed.
... and Freedomland opened to large crowds on June 19, 1960.
Because of Freedomland's $65 million construction cost, the park faced financial issues at the time of its opening;"the time of" can be omitted.
Site
In mid-1959, Freedomland Inc. leased the site for a 50-year period."50-year period" can be "50 years".
Opening
At 8:30 a.m., Pat Boone conducted the official ribbon-cutting ceremony.
The park had a much smaller crowd on its second day of operation,Comma can be removed.
Each section featured attractions, shops, and restaurants that fit that section's theme.
The arrangement of the property layout resembled a large map of the contiguous United States, fashioned in a manner reminiscent of a movie set.
The programs were designed to be interactive: for instance, children were enlisted to participate in fighting a reenacted Great Chicago Fire.feels out of place at the start of this paragraph. Maybe it could fit in the preceding paragraph between sentences "The park also had its own fire department ..." and "Freedomland hosted a competition for its official hostess ..."? I would also insert "performance programs" here for clarity and omit the next usage of it in the paragraph.
Like at Disneyland, many of Freedomland's attractions received corporate sponsorships, and alcoholic beverages were banned in Freedomland.Comma is probably not needed before "and".
Transportation
Express bus services extended to Manhattan and to the Pelham Bay Park and Gun Hill Road subway stations.
Intra-park transport
The 2 ft (610 mm) Narrow gauge Santa Fe Railroad traveled between the park's Chicago and San Francisco areas.
Little Old New York (1850–1900)
The Little Old New York section was geographically located in the north end of the park, closest to the main entrance, and as such, contained an information booth, stroller rental, and lockers. The section depicted New York City as it appeared in the late 19th century.
Shops included a print shop to purchase vintage-style posters, apothecary shop, glass blower shop ...Missing an "an" before "apothecary" and an "a" before "glass blower".
Unlike in Disneyland, where the shops were connected, the stores were generally separated internally, like actual shops on city streets.
There was also a live street show that included a German band, an 1880s Tammany Hall speech, political pep rally ...Missing an "a" before "political".
Old Chicago
located on the park's western border, south of Old New York.
A kids' section was included, with a junior Santa Fe train, as well as ..."as well as" to "and".
San Francisco
An amphitheater with animal acts and big top stunts ...I assume "big top stunts" is human performer stunts, or animal stunts on a larger scale?
A skim read-through of about half the article for grammar and sentence structure checks. The article looks good! I will pick this up Friday morning or Saturday. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 05:09, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Unbuilt areas and attractions
The developers initially planned to supplement the park with Freedomland Inn, an off-site hotel south of the park, which would have contained between 300 and 600 rooms.
1960 season
At the end of that September, local news media reported that Freedomland had failed to pay the city a 5% amusement tax totaling $148,200, though the unpaid tax was resolved by the following week."$148,200. However, ..."
At one point, local merchants refused to accept checks that Freedomland had issued?
1961 season
At the end of the 1960 season, park operators initially predicted that the park would reopen in May 1961, though the reopening date was postponed by one month."1961. However, ..."
1963 season
an adjacent 258-acre (104 ha) plot in Baychester, and a development in Dunedin Beach, Florida."a" can be removed before "development".
1964 season
Staff members were also told that only Little Old New York, Old Chicago, and Satellite City might be open for 1965 and that the rest of the park would be redeveloped.replace "and that" with "while"?
Bankruptcy
... if it were downsized 30 acres (12 ha), Freedomland estimated that it could possibly earn a $25,000 profit if it were to reopen in 1965.I would omit "possibly" and change "earn" to "make" since earn appears in the first part.
Causes
Disneyland had 6 million guests during 1964 ..."during" for "in"?
Redevelopment
... Bay Plaza Shopping Center was constructed on the land occupied by five additional themed areas of the park."areas of the park" to "park areas"?
Freedomland in general received negative attention from members of the media.Commas for "in general" or start the sentence with "In general, Freedomland ..."
reactions to Freedomland were noted to provoke either "ridicule or apathy."?
The proposal shared a strong resemblance with the Freedomland concept ...
Site
As a result, Co-op City residents proposed changing the lot's zoning to a standard commercial use."a" might be redundant here, or maybe not. I am not too sure I can read it either way, but it could be proper with or without it.
Attractions moved to other parks
... Danny the Dragon, interior diorama of the Mine Caverns ...I would add "an" before "interior".
Historical commemoration
Acorn Press published two books in the Images of America series;?
I will read through the article thoroughly in a bit, might take an hour.
Adog (
Talk・
Cont) 13:21, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Addendum: Gonna be more than an hour; something non-urgent but piqued my interest came up.
Adog (
Talk・
Cont)
14:06, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Apologies for the delay. Multiple factors, including fatigue, job pass up, and having to fix something. But the last three notes I have are:
@ Epicgenius: That is about it from me. The article looks good! Almost ready for a pass. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 01:53, 5 August 2023 (UTC)
The article cites a variety of reliable sources, with the layout of the references proper. Earwig does not pick up a copyright violation. The largest being around 20% but is properly quoted within the article. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 13:21, 4 August 2023 (UTC)
Images are freely licensed and properly filed. The paperwork is good. Images are relevant to the article. I only wish there was an image of the park itself. Maybe there are not many images of it. Adog ( Talk・ Cont) 13:01, 4 August 2023 (UTC)